got re-hired for fall!

It's a really bad job market in Chicago - they're cutting 18% of teachers district-wide - so I feel extremely lucky to finally get re-hired. Third time's the charm, I guess! It's funny too when I think back, I gave a really terrible interview here. I think I was pretty far down on their list of choices, for various reasons. But things have worked out well.

In other news, check out my kick-ass Black Panthers bulletin board!


The life-size Fred Hampton is courtesy of this site called Block Posters, where you upload an image and get it back as a pdf of 8.5x11 sheets (I think you can pick European sizes as well) at the giant size you specify. I found it via StumbleUpon, just at the right time. Talk about serendipity.

Despite this good news, I'm melancholy this morning. Not sure why. Oh well. Surf the feelings, let them pass. That's how it goes...

Happy Ostara!

A day late, just noticed it on the calendar. I remember how cool it was to find out that the root of "Easter" is "Ostara," the goddess of spring or something. Those old old things persist. Like there is a river in Iran whose name sounds sort of like "Cyrus" (in Persian), and they think maybe it was named for him but got corrupted during the centuries when people forgot that Cyrus the Great's palace and tomb are along the river... they made up mythical stories to explain the ruins...

For those of you who don't facebook (Amy! C'mon already!) here's a recent pic I took of myself with my iPhone (now my profile pic on FB). The fisheye did something good for my face somehow. Anyway. This is me now. In my classroom actually, though I don't think you can see that.

Spring is coming fitfully to Chicago, sunny 60-degree days alternating with snow and sleet... my students call it "pneumonia weather," cuz you get fooled by the midday warmth and don't wear enough clothes to be warm enough in the late afternoon and evening.

I seem to be past that depression that I discussed in the "tide in, tide out" post. I enjoy my job (although I've been a bit frazzled lately, but generally positive - and we only have a week left til spring break!). I have some added responsibilities right now (I have to do some observations and schedule peer observations for the other teachers) but so far I'm not too far behind. I don't know about observing my colleagues... how do I give them feedback without offending them... ?

Talking to Nadine pretty regularly has helped me a lot. She always reminds me to care for myself, and I always seem to need reminding. I feel lonely and needy and then she reminds me that I have what I need... it's like I think I've run out of something important and I'm panicking and then I open a cupboard door and there it is, a big box of it. Love in a box. Love I can give myself.

I got my sleep apnea machine but am still trying to catch up on my sleep - they say it can take several weeks. I'm still sleepy all the time. It's funny that Loopy and I both have one - we're like the twin Darth Vaders.

Right now we're dogsitting a little poodle who is completely adorable; Mr. Pickles (our bad dog from the pound) tries to eat it periodically, but it can stick up for itself pretty well :)

Loopy is getting tired of walking dogs and starts to feel she's wasting her life. So she is thinking about teaching at a community college or some such. She's a little depressed to be in this spot - developing a goal but not yet making any move to take a step toward it - but maybe she'll start taking steps soon and start feeling better. I had become reconciled to her doing her music blog and walking dogs - for a while I resented that I was working and she was playing with the blog, but I know she works hard with the dogs and fundamentally I just want her to be happy.

Otoh she needs health insurance and our COBRA is going to run out in the fall. So either she needs a job with health insurance or we need to buy some - at least for a few years even if the healthcare bill takes effect... which reminds me... (flipping TV on to check on the progress... big vote on the healthcare bill is today, supposedly...)

Anyway... I guess that's it for me for now... I will try to be more regular about blogging. Now that I don't do therapy, it's good to have a chance now and then to just kinda take stock of my life and what's going on... step back and see the big picture.........

fear

have been feeling that old anxiety. started friday when i gave a quiz and students didn't seem to understand what i was teaching. have been frozen again, deer in the headlights, feeling ineffective. stuck. avoiding my work instead of embracing it. lost that determination and drive. for the first time, eager for the day to be over, not enjoying my job.

Loopy says. "Your job is to teach, their job is not to learn. Just keep going."

Since then I've started to think that I misinterpreted the quiz - that students just didn't understand the instructions. that's helping me get back on my feet.

in the interim, though, i've amassed a pile of undone work. it goes so fast - you have to keep up - every day.

and the anxiety persists. i tell myself i was overwhelmed with anxiety at the beginning of school and i kept putting one foot in front of the other - just do that now. one day at a time. one foot in front of the other. don't focus on what i didn't do yesterday or what my mistakes were. just start from now.

trying to apply what i learned this summer but it starts to seem far away. need to review my little post-its and other tools. wonder where all those papers went. the advice seemed obvious at the time but now i need it.

i'll imagine myself at the group check-in in the morning and see what i think others would say. maybe i'll call some people from the program and see if they want to hang out.

right now i have to get ready for school. i suppose even this post is a way to avoid, a way to be deer-in-headlights. but now i feel somewhat that i could stop that, that i could wake up, that i could be me again. it's coming back. strength flows back into my limbs. god. i was so scared.

grateful for this space to write. grateful for those who read.

self-doubt

...comes creeping back in. classes are getting unruly. i'm getting tired - very tired. i start to feel myself being like last year - staring dully at them and going back to teaching without knowing how to handle what's happening. deer in the headlights, is that coming back? damn, it was so traumatic and awful last year. and the year before.

trying not to panic. using my tools from my outpatient program... what is going well? remember my accomplishments... focus on the positive...

maybe i should call someone from the program, help me snap out of this.

good friends from Madison are coming to visit this weekend - they always make me laugh, hard, a lot. so that will be a good chance to recharge.

i've made some friends in Chicago, finally. a colleague from last year, one from the year before (but we've just started hanging out and grading together on a weekly basis over the past couple months), and a guy i met on the meditation retreat last summer. three whole friends! wow! that's a good thing.

dog continues to be a pain in the ass. doesn't give me a lot of joy like owning a dog should. he's mostly annoying, occasionally delightful. right now we're dogsitting another dog, too. it makes decent money for very little trouble, but it makes me stress out like crazy so i don't know that it's worth it.

i was observed on Tuesday by our curriculum director who just loves me, and she had not one single negative thing to say, and a lot positive. tomorrow there's a team coming from somewhere to judge the school in some way, and the school people want them to observe and interview me. somehow i've become the dog in the dog and pony show, and i don't know that i like it. i mean, it's a huge, huge compliment that suddenly i'm almost a star instead of the door that gets rushed past, but it's scary. i guess that might be one reason for my little freakout. so really, it's a good thing. it just feels painful and scary. but some good things do.

or so i try to tell myself.

i'm glad to have this blog to talk to... helps me figure things out. thank you for reading...

uncurling

When Halloween's over I feel better. It's like this growing darkness and then a lightness and brightness of crisp autumn air. Pre-Christmas stuff starts - I know everyone complains about that, but I don't mind, I like Christmas. And the leaves are falling in earnest and the air's getting colder and... it's a good time.

Things continue to be fine at school. I come home and Loopy asks, "So how was your day?" and my answer is almost always, "Fine. They're all fine."

It's a nice change - understatement - it's a day, or a day after day, that I never thought would come. Peace? Peace in our time? It's getting quite late in the year and things haven't fallen apart yet... fingers still crossed, still knockin' on wood...

The kids don't try to get my goat because it's clear that my goat is tethered and quietly munching on grass no matter what they do. They don't always listen or behave, but they don't go after me like they used to - I don't feel like the deer in the headlights, the dartboard helpless before the speeding metal points... this gives me some breathing space to practice other things and to think that the behavior will fall into line eventually.

The image isn't an autumnal but it reflects how I feel... slowly uncurling fist, slowly unclenching muscles, body slowly unwinding from fetus-position... like the petals opening... i'll post an autumnal post separately.

Tired today. Feeling slightly overwhelmed for the first time. Some part of my brain tugs me toward drama and despair, and I do recognize some of the symptoms from last year - today I wasn't ready for class, was confused about the purpose of the class, and was just casting about for something to do basically. But this was an unusual day - I am giving them a test tomorrow and had to give them one more day to study, and I didn't really have anything I needed to cover during that day.

As I type this out there's a storm of self-criticism that wants to break through (sample: you never have enough time for anything and you couldn't think of a productive way to use the day???) but, using the skills I learned this summer in IOP, I just turn away from those thoughts. Earlier I used other skills from IOP when I reminded myself that I was engaging in all-or-nothing thinking.

Am now reminding myself that generally I have been very purposeful and known exactly what I was doing and where I was going with my units. My 4th period is giving me trouble - correction - gave me trouble today, yesterday, and last Wednesday and Thursday. That's not "a bad class" or a "failure" on my part. It's a temporary issue that may or may not become a more long-term issue. I can think of several solutions. I didn't call parents today because I felt too tired by the end of the day - warning bells go off - that's how I was last year. But again I quiet them and say to myself, yes, it is something to notice, it might be a problem, but just because it happened today doesn't mean it's always going to happen or that it will be a problem.

I'm just generally tired. I guess as the year goes on my physical reserves are slowly drained, and that's just life. I think I may have to sacrifice 30 minutes of sleep for 30 minutes of exercise - I think when I was doing the daily longer dog walks, it really helped my attitude and feeling physically less tired and achy. Either that or I was less tired back then because I hadn't been working long hours for a month lol.

I feel like there's more to say but....... well. One day at a time, as I said in my previous post. One day at a time.

miracles of modern medicine

the end of the day comes; the students leave; i eat an apple and chat with a colleague.

i'm not exhausted. i'm not despairing. i didn't count the minutes til the end of the day.

i don't have the drowning look on my face that my new friend the first-year teacher has on her face all the time, poor thing.

i'm cheerful. i enjoy my apple. i didn't come crawling to the colleague's room in desperation. i don't feel that i need anything from her.

after i finish my apple i sit down to work. it's easy to do because my work all day has not been strenuous. and, i have already completed a chunk of work in between other things during the day because i've been using my time well.

the students act up a little but it doesn't bother me. if one of them crosses a line i administer the consequence without sturm und drang. it doesn't bother me - it bothers them. that's how it should be.

are you wondering who i am and what i did with your familiarly fucked-up friend?

i attribute some of this to my new skills from my outpatient program this summer, but i attribute about 90% of it to my medication.

finally, finally, finally my medication is working.

i was reading some things i wrote even six months ago and they seem so dramatic, so intensely high and low, so... insane. i can still have intense feelings but they don't knock me down like a big wave at the beach, whirl me round and stuff my mouth with sand, leave me bruised and scraped and battered. i understand now why Loopy was saying that there wasn't any "me" there anymore, why it seemed i'd disappeared into the extremes...

reading what i wrote six months ago, and comparing it to the state of normality i've reached, i am so grateful. so, so grateful. all my life i've desperately wished for peace, and found it elusive amid all the turbulent feelings and obsessive thoughts. i think i'm finding it at last.

seeing my way through at last...

These lyrics have been going through my head:

Bend, little willow
Wind's gonna blow you
Hard and cold tonight

Life, as it happens
Nobody warns you
Willow, hold on tight.

Nothing's gonna shake your love
Take your love away
No one's out to break your heart
It only seems that way...
~Paul McCartney

(From a song written for a child whose parent had just been killed in an accident, if I remember correctly)

Somehow I find it comforting, particularly the part about how no one's out to break your heart, it only seems that way... but also the part about how no one warns you how hard life will be, and yet, you can bend with the harsh winds, hold on and endure and even (as it says later in the song) "grow to the heavens."

SO job. How is it going. I'm sorry I haven't updated.

Well, parts of it are a thousand times better, and I think I have my outpatient psychiatric program to thank for that. I have been keeping up with the work - lesson planning, grading, entering grades, etc. I've been entering grades every day for that day. As long as I can keep that up, it should be good.

Overall, I have a much more positive and dedicated feeling about the work. Whenever I have a moment, it's "ok, I have a moment now, what can I do to be ready for next week/tomorrow/etc?" I'm just... eager, dedicated and disciplined... finally! Finally finally finally. It's like I can finally do what I know I can do. So that's a wonderful, powerful feeling.

The classroom management is still tough though. I cried already (but at least the students didn't see). The first week I was "on it." One of the students called me a "pit bull;" I said, "I'll take that as a compliment" and he said "it is."

But somehow by week 2 I became afraid of the students again. What exactly am I afraid of. Their judgment, perhaps? That I am too mean? Yes. But mostly, I think, afraid of their power to destroy me. Again.

I'm definitely "back on the horse" (after being thrown from it twice) but too ginger, too scared, barely perched in the saddle. Scared. Scared.

That's where the "no one's out to break your heart" comes in. The students aren't out to get me. It's not personal, even if they think it is. EVEN IF THEY THINK IT IS. They are just being teenagers. They are just bouncing off whatever's there. I'm there, so they push me and bounce off me. They will forget me. I will forget them.

I will not forget how I made myself strong or weak however.

It reminds me of trying to use the exact correct set of abdominal muscles for the back-strengthening exercise I used to do. It was a question of focusing my mind on the desired muscles (that make me strong in the classroom), willing them to be the ones to respond, but from lack of use, they are weaker than other muscles (the strong habits that make me weak in the classroom)... so, more often than not, the muscles I have used the most - the wrong ones - tighten instead of the right ones. So I lower my leg and try again. This time, this time, don't go with the habit, tighten those weaker muscles, strengthen them, strengthen them.

I like this analogy. The weak muscles get stronger with time. I just have to keep doing the exercise. Every day I go in and I do the exercise. "Success and failure are your journey."

At last I start to feel like a teacher. The rest of it - the grading, the lesson planning, etc. - even when the lessons fail - I feel like a teacher, I feel like I'm doing my job, at last, however shakily, however much on newborn-deer legs, one step in front of the other... I'm no longer the deer in the headlights... for now... but I think it's a real change that will stick.

When I get too overwhelmed or scared I just remind myself... one day at a time... one day at a time. That helps a lot too.

So... thank you for caring, for wanting to know how it's going, for being my friends. I sometimes see you as a circle of faces sending me such love and goodwill. I am so lucky! So so lucky.

There's one more thing... lately I have worried that I have become too cold... I watch the other teachers' interactions with students... so warm and loving... touching a cheek, inspiring a room full of teenagers who sit spellbound listening to a loving and powerful voice. I think I am angry at the students - all students. It makes me too cold. I have trouble remembering their names. I look at them without affection. What happened to the loving person I used to be?

But I decided, keep going. Keep going. And now writing this out I say to myself: that warm loving person is still inside me. It's eclipsed right now because of all the shame and anger around my past failures at work. But if I can start to get things right, if it can start to feel less like a constant losing battle, those negative feelings can start to fall away and I can come back to myself... the jewel is still under there, even under the pile of shit, and is never harmed or damaged no matter how much is piled upon it.

I feel much better having written that out. I was crying yesterday with thoughts of how cold I'd become... I should write in my journal more...

Huh. That's in the lyric above, too. "Nothing's gonna shake your love, Take your love away." :)

七転八起　Fall seven times, get up eight.

i might have a different job.

So back to the school that I interviewed for on 9/2. Either they hired someone who didn't work out or... I guess they must have hired someone who didn't work out. Cuz today they called me and I have to go in tomorrow to teach a sample lesson.

Yow. There are a lot of good points about this school - history and English are taught together, by reading novels. That's perfect. Class sizes are small. Good. It's "second chance" kids who've already dropped out, been to jail, had children, whatever. Good and bad.

But this is what I sucked at, what I didn't want to do again.

R's voice in my head: "It's only a feeling." (that I'm going to suck again). All the other teachers who told me, "hang in there, it gets better," "I sucked until my third, fourth, fifth year."

I don't know... I guess I'll just try it and if it sucks again I'll just quit. I have a backup plan this time (subbing, tutoring). At least it won't be an exam-oriented school. Maybe that will make a huge difference. I think.

OK, gotta go work on that lesson plan.

I might have been hired. It's vague.

Another possible job, where I might have already been hired. The principal is from The Gambia and perhaps because of this a lot of things are laid-back and somewhat vague. Whether I've been hired is one of them.

The job is at an alternative school like the one where I taught and worked in Madison, WI. 200-some students, very heavy social justice orientation, family atmosphere. Low-income students, students from group homes, street kids.

I would be hired as the special ed teacher and perhaps (it's vague - hand-waving was involved) teach some classes as well.

The special ed part sounds great. Most special ed departments are these mentally cramped places, where people are consumed with fear and self-defense - defending the school against lawsuits - because special ed law is so extensive and complicated, that you practically have to be a lawyer to understand and obey it all.

This sounds like it'd be a lot more laid-back.

It seems that at this school special ed is very loosely structured and construed to mean any student in trouble academically, not just those with official labels. I would move around from one class to the next working with students who needed help. (At least, that's what it sounds like - they are changing special ed around, it seems, so it's vague).

I like that. A LOT.

Unless the principal doesn't really know. It might not be legal to do it his way. We'll see what the case manager says - s/he is the one who will really know.

Teaching classes, I don't know, it's so vague, and it sounds like I'd just do whatever came up, and I'm afraid it will be all my old nightmares.

I'm excited but very scared. Is this my dream job? Or more failure? Scared, scared, scared.

But excited. I think.

Live in the gray. Live in the gray.

This is like, the school of gray. So if I'm gonna be there, I'd better get used to it.

Still... at the same time... a glimmer of hope.

possibilities...

Sudden job interview today - got the call yesterday. It's at a school for kids who need a second chance - "at-risk students and high school dropouts who are ages 16-21 and who have been under-served and /or disconnected from traditional education."

This reminds me of my time at Shabazz in Madison, although those kids were probably from a higher class/economic status, on average, than the students I'd be teaching here. I loved the opportunity to work more closely with individual students and to help identify their specific obstacles, try to help them solve their particular issues, try to connect them with the content we were studying. That's the type of work I'm hoping to do with a special ed degree.

The position is history - purely history - which is unusual in itself, and of course, something I'd love.

Can I do this? I don't know. It depends a lot on class size. Traditional class size - no. If they are smaller groups, I might manage it. Especially if it's some kind of alternative teaching style.

Although.... I've failed so much. Failed to create lesson plans, above all... Failed to grade and input grades... But I have more emotional tools now, thanks to my time in the psych program... But I'm still procrastinating and not doing what I'm supposed to do, when it comes to schoolwork.

Anyway it's interesting and I will go and see what it's like.

Have heard through the grapevine that there's pretty much zero chance of me getting my friend's soon-to-be-vacated position. Ah well. I was terrified of it anyway.

Marriage is MUCH improved. Very, very good conversation and connection in therapy on Sunday. Normality is somewhat restored after a while of thinking we might split up at any moment. We are still taking it as it comes, one day at a time, but those days are going well so far.

So, you know. Options. Choices. Life.

better today

started one tutoring job today - no kids yet, just training.

one of my former colleagues quit his job at our old school, and i wrote/called everyone begging them to give me his job (teaching sixth grade). severe anxiety last night about whether i can do it or not if i get it - the classroom management piece is the toughie. well, we'll see what happens.

in the meantime things are much improved with wifey. so... one foot in front of the other.

step by step

I loved Goblinbox's comment that I had such an optimistic post last time, so I was loath to post something less optimistic... which is good, because I had some low days there, and that would have been dull.

So, I think it's pretty clear I didn't get that job at the pre-engineering school. I didn't really expect to get it, but I had my hopes up quite a bit.

At the nadir of the previous few days, I felt like a complete failure at everything, and for some reason, I seemed to think that if I don't get a job this year, it's the end of my career and my dream is dead.

See, I told you you were lucky I didn't post at that point.

In a way it was good: I had a little mini-breakdown at my daily outpatient psych ward, after we had to draw our "inner critic" and write down all the mean things it says to us...

I wrote and wrote... "You're a failure" was the main idea... The tears flowed and my heart broke... it seemed to pull the cork out of a lot of work-related sadness from the past two years...

After the initial rush of feelings, I still feel a deep but kinda pure sadness as I go about my day... it's not even painful; it's just running out like clean water, and in a way, it feels good, letting it go...

The "you're a failure" voice has lessened and I just remember different things, and feel the memories, hopes and disappointments flow out with the water and flow away...

So, now, I also am now able to see with more perspective: if I don't have a full-time job this year, I'll cobble together an income between subbing and tutoring. Meanwhile, I'll have more time to work on my special ed degree.

Actually, I have an interview with a tutoring company this week... $10 an hour, hours not guaranteed, so kind of a shitty part-time job, but still. A job. I'll figure out a way to combine it with subbing or with another part-time job.

To be honest, it will be a bit of a break, not having a "real" full-time job with grading and lesson planning... and ya know, I can really use a break. I've been through the wringer. As you all know.

Speaking of which, I just enrolled yesterday in the special ed program for real. It's a master's program, though it's from a not-very-respected online institution; I don't think that matters much. I'll have a master's (salary bump!) and I'll be certifiable in special ed.

Once I have that certification, I'll be back in the saddle when it comes to the job market, and this time, on a winning horse - special ed is much in demand. I wonder if I can finish it by next year.

Meanwhile, slowly, inexorably, almost imperceptibly, day by day, Lovey and I are drawing closer again. I feel an upwelling of the deep happiness that I've always felt with her. We're not back to normal but we are heading in a good direction. Can't force it, can't announce that it's now better. Just... day by day.

Last but not least: sometime in the next week I expect to drive up to a Buddhist retreat in Wisconsin. I think that will be really, really good. I've been listening to my tapes and melting my heart, hungering again for the peace and the teachings...

So maybe this post isn't so much less optimistic than the last one... dang, is that a trend? Could it be... am I... getting better?

but what's been going on OUTSIDE my head?

So let's see. I went to a job fair a week ago. I wore the outfit at left, which I try to think of as having "retro flair" rather than being "Gidget-like." (The photo you see was actually taken so I could consider which outfit to buy... I ended up asking my psychiatrist about it because she's the best-dressed person I know. Weird, huh.)

Thanks to encouragement from my fellow inmates - excuse me, other people in my psych outpatient program - I am again looking for special ed jobs and finishing up coursework to be eligible for emergency certification.

Really, it's the best and most obvious move for me. I've always done a great job working with small groups and individual students, whereas thing I'm worst at is classroom management, i.e., making large groups of students shut up and behave.

I had a good lead at the job fair on another social studies job. Once again I impressed them with my social justice consciousness, my knowledge of the world, and let's not forget the Harvard degree, blah blah blah. I can sound pretty impressive when I want to.

But, I consciously didn't follow it up, despite urging from my teacher pals. I see no reason to try a third time something that didn't work the first two times. If I can do something easier, and do it well, for a while, I can always go back to trying the thing I have failed at when I have more experience.

I actually think it's good self-care that I'm choosing not to pursue something that has made me miserable, even though that's scary, even though I could end up jobless for the fall.

If I don't get a job this year, I can sub, I can work for a tutoring company, there are lots of things I can do. My crazy-camp buddies and of course my dear Bean have encouraged me to think bigger and not be scared.

OH! But did I mention - I had an interview Monday and I think they really liked me. I got the feeling I wasn't necessarily their first choice, but today I got an email saying they are checking references and will be in touch. So that means I'm still in the running!! Very exciting!

It's special ed at a pre-engineering school that takes low-income kids, including those with disabilities, and trains them for a four-year college degree in engineering. They are also ready for production-line pre-management jobs if they don't want to go to college.

This is a fantastic job for me. I've always been best at tutoring math, and that's basically what this job would be. I'm excited, did I mention that?

Fingers crossed.

women; dogs; Cesar Millan

So... I was going to say, "why are women the way they are?" but my lovely Loopy hates rhetorical questions, so I'll just say, sometimes women are annoying. (Men can be annoying too, but this post isn't about them).

I passed many dog walkers on my lovely morning walk, which has become a habit - no, really a requirement - Mr. Pickles insists upon it, and drives us crazy all day without it. Anyway, the men had control of their dogs. And the women did not. I passed so many silly women pleading with their dogs not to bark at mine. Tugging ineffectively on leashes, seeming panicky, whining, "Fluffyyyy, c'mon now, c'mon, stop that now, now, you know better"... it infuriated me.

Stand up straight, tell your dog what you want, and make him/her do as you say.

I've been doing that with Mr. Pickles and I think it will make me a better teacher in the fall. Cesar (I always use his first name, as though we're buddies) teaches that the way to train a dog is to use exercise, discipline, and affection: in that order. If you give affection first the dog interprets it as weakness.

I've been practicing on my puppy and now I'm ready for humans. I hope.

pulling out

So I just wrote an email to cancel my candidacy for the Chinese job.

I'm terrified I did the wrong thing: I have no other prospects. I was awake half the night worrying that I did the wrong thing.

But I know I didn't. This job would be so painful...

Except that sometimes I think, no, I could have done it, and I shouldn't have let fear get in the way. The response to that is, it wasn't fear, it was good sense.

I struggle: every Disney movie says you should climb every mountain, fight impossible odds, tilt at windmills. My last two years say that doing so leads to failure and suicidal thoughts.

... agh...

Well, it's too late now. I had an interview this morning and there's no way I would have been ready for it. They required a lot of documentation and work. So... done.

Sigh.

frothy mix

Mix of events, emotions, everything.

Bad, very bad: Dog is sick. She has pneumonia and can hardly walk from arthritis. It is incredibly sad to hear her gasping for breath. She literally sounds like a saw sawing wood. Then there's the choking. That's fun too (not).

Good: I made it to the "next level" in my application for the position teaching Chinese at a charter high school.

Bad: Now I have to learn Chinese. The whole idea I could learn it in a summer seems to have sprung from some manic over-enthusiasm.

Good: But I do have a plan: walk on the treadmill every day and listen to one lesson. Twofer, eh?

Bad: a... what would you call it... not a falling out but a... difficulty with a friend. not sure what to say to her.

Good: crazy camp is going well. I find it very supportive and have hopes that it will be helpful in giving me tools to act and be sane. The doctor and staff have pointed out that I'm angry. Not sure why or what to do with the anger, but I realize they're right. Conjecture is that I'm angry because I was supposed to be a prodigy, a star, and all I did was fall from the sky.

Good-bad-good-bad-good-bad, eh? Then there's this:

"The fundamental idea of Buddhism is to pass beyond the world of opposites..."
D.T. Suzuki

And this:

"...dissolving the dualistic tension between ... good and bad, by inviting in what we usually avoid."
- Pema Chödrön

Uh, yeah. I'm still feeling it as good and bad. So... yeah.

我想要教中文。

So somehow I have ended up applying for all these jobs teaching Chinese. Those seem to be the jobs that are available.

Do I speak Chinese?

No.

How do I plan to finesse this?

I plan to study like hell all summer.

If you're saying "W....T....F???" ...... you are not alone.

painfully obvious

fmr [also fired] coworker: "I'm really anxious, I couldn't even leave the apartment today, and I don't even know why.'
me: "are you joking?"
fmr coworker: "um... I didn't... I don't think so."
me: "don't you think maybe it has to do with the fact that tomorrow's Monday and we have no place to be?"
fmr coworker: "oh... um... yeah... you might be right about that."

(i roll my eyes)

two hours later.

me: "oh my god i could just crawl out of my skin."
Loopy: "poor baby."
me: "i'm so fucking anxious. maybe i forgot my meds or something... i feel like i must have forgotten my meds."
Loopy: *snort* "yeah right."
me: "but i can't have forgotten them, i'm sure i took them..... ohhhhhhhhhhh."

(we both roll our eyes)

"shut up and line up!"

Five of my six classes are still bearable. Some humor, some affection, some order, still remain after all this time.

The one that is totally out-of-their-minds impossible is my friggin homeroom.



They run around the room. The boys tackle and hit each other; the girls giggle and even shriek with laughter.

They change seats. They won't work. They won't shut up.

In general, they dramatically and flamboyantly flout my instructions.

Much of the time I roll my eyes at them and do some grading. Sometimes (in the name of total and utter inconsistency, which as we all know, is the way to make sure that dogs and children pay no attention to anything you say) I really get pissed and I call a bunch of parents, which I did this afternoon. Nine or ten of them I think. Several girls ran out of the room crying.

Ah, the little darlings.