possibilities...

Sudden job interview today - got the call yesterday. It's at a school for kids who need a second chance - "at-risk students and high school dropouts who are ages 16-21 and who have been under-served and /or disconnected from traditional education."

This reminds me of my time at Shabazz in Madison, although those kids were probably from a higher class/economic status, on average, than the students I'd be teaching here. I loved the opportunity to work more closely with individual students and to help identify their specific obstacles, try to help them solve their particular issues, try to connect them with the content we were studying. That's the type of work I'm hoping to do with a special ed degree.

The position is history - purely history - which is unusual in itself, and of course, something I'd love.

Can I do this? I don't know. It depends a lot on class size. Traditional class size - no. If they are smaller groups, I might manage it. Especially if it's some kind of alternative teaching style.

Although.... I've failed so much. Failed to create lesson plans, above all... Failed to grade and input grades... But I have more emotional tools now, thanks to my time in the psych program... But I'm still procrastinating and not doing what I'm supposed to do, when it comes to schoolwork.

Anyway it's interesting and I will go and see what it's like.

Have heard through the grapevine that there's pretty much zero chance of me getting my friend's soon-to-be-vacated position. Ah well. I was terrified of it anyway.

Marriage is MUCH improved. Very, very good conversation and connection in therapy on Sunday. Normality is somewhat restored after a while of thinking we might split up at any moment. We are still taking it as it comes, one day at a time, but those days are going well so far.

So, you know. Options. Choices. Life.

better today

started one tutoring job today - no kids yet, just training.

one of my former colleagues quit his job at our old school, and i wrote/called everyone begging them to give me his job (teaching sixth grade). severe anxiety last night about whether i can do it or not if i get it - the classroom management piece is the toughie. well, we'll see what happens.

in the meantime things are much improved with wifey. so... one foot in front of the other.

missing you

Lonely today. Thinking about other times in my life when I have had more friends, love, companionship. Recent times and back to college, to high school... I've been blessed with extraordinary friendships and extraordinary people in my life...

Read over some old emails I probably should have left alone, and then, thanks to Facebook and a reminiscence about going to Emack & Bolio's with Amy for oreo ice cream in an oreo cone ;-) , I got back in touch with Peter M (!) and reminisced a little... just wish I had a circle of good friends now like the ones I had in college, like that day a bunch of us hung out at Peter's house and invented weird dances, or remember the "Amy Appreciation Party" with strips of printer paper as streamers?

Ah, I catch myself: this sounds like 'poverty mind.' I worked with this on retreat - the delusion of not having enough, even though the world around me is filled with incredible richness.

The instruction was to sit with the feelings instead of trying to fill up the holes with stuff. And to do tonglen for all those who, like me, experience this sense of basic neediness, this loneliness - for all those who wish that other people could take away the fundamental human condition of alone-ness.

I've also worked with this same mentality in my psych program - the focus on loss, instead of on what I still have. There, the solution is different - join groups, take classes, make friends. My life in the last two years has been painfully narrowed by an all-consuming focus on work. For better or for worse, I'm liberated from that, and can try to meet more people.

I'm already doing that through my meditation activities. I hung out with two of my retreat buddies this past week, and met the roommate of one of them, who is hooking me into the campaign for universal healthcare.

I'm also going to take salsa and print-making classes, so I'm excited about that. And today is the first meeting of an artists' group I'm starting, so that's cool too.

So... pulling myself together, getting off the couch, going on with my day. With my life. I think if I can enlarge my life, the marriage stuff may fall into place as well, one way or the other - I will see it with more perspective and I will also be better equipped to fully live whatever solution ensues.

boiling II

Or does it boil down to this: can a crazy person live with a sane person, without the former getting worse and the latter getting crazy?

Just how crazy am I? Is this problem inside my own head? Why can't I be who she needs me to be? Why can't I keep from hurting her? Why can't it be enough - the tremendous love and bounty that I am lucky enough to be blessed with?

What's wrong with me?

Is there something wrong with me? Am I sabotaging something amazing and wonderful, or is there some fundamental flaw that is breaking this apart? Or both?

Those are just rhetorical questions.

My heart is just breaking.

We both want there to be a way through this but we can't see it.

Mirror maze, bramble path, cliffs of fall.

What compass, what north star, what god, what divination can we scrounge out of our scrambled guts?

I keep hoping...

So yeah. Happy anniversary.

boiling

So it all boils down to: can a person who easily gets hurt, live with a person who easily gets angry, and for how long before they're just... done.

But, perhaps that's a gross over-simplification. When there's enough love, none of that matters.

That's a cliché.

Mirror maze.

approaching anniversary

As you might have guessed, I went ahead to that Buddhist meditation retreat last week. It was really, really good in a lot of ways. More on that tomorrow.

Instead, I bring you a conversation from the bus last night, the aftermath of an honest but painful therapy session. But, honesty is a good thing. Really. It is. It felt good to be honest - like a fresh start.

Anyway:

Me: So what are we doing for our anniversary [Wednesday]?

Loopy: What do you want to do?

Me: I don't know, we could go to dinner... [discussion of dinner plans ensues]

Me: So, are we exchanging cards?

Loopy: Do you want to exchange cards?

Me: I always like cards.

Loopy: OK, I'll give you a card.

(...pause...)

Me: It might be hard to find one that says what we'd like to say.

Loopy: You mean, "I love you/hate you"?

Me: "I love you, you make me unhappy, don't ever leave me"?

(...pause...)

Me: So maybe no cards then.



As long as we can laugh at ourselves, I think we're gonna be ok.

working out

When people say, of a marriage, "things just didn't work out," is that something that happens because of a lack of willpower? or a lack of commitment? or is it something that just... happens to you? something beyond your control?

I guess you'll say it could be either one. That's no help at all.

When I asked her this question, Loopy was no help either. She said no one could know, and we can't tell the future.

Rats.

step by step

I loved Goblinbox's comment that I had such an optimistic post last time, so I was loath to post something less optimistic... which is good, because I had some low days there, and that would have been dull.

So, I think it's pretty clear I didn't get that job at the pre-engineering school. I didn't really expect to get it, but I had my hopes up quite a bit.

At the nadir of the previous few days, I felt like a complete failure at everything, and for some reason, I seemed to think that if I don't get a job this year, it's the end of my career and my dream is dead.

See, I told you you were lucky I didn't post at that point.

In a way it was good: I had a little mini-breakdown at my daily outpatient psych ward, after we had to draw our "inner critic" and write down all the mean things it says to us...

I wrote and wrote... "You're a failure" was the main idea... The tears flowed and my heart broke... it seemed to pull the cork out of a lot of work-related sadness from the past two years...

After the initial rush of feelings, I still feel a deep but kinda pure sadness as I go about my day... it's not even painful; it's just running out like clean water, and in a way, it feels good, letting it go...

The "you're a failure" voice has lessened and I just remember different things, and feel the memories, hopes and disappointments flow out with the water and flow away...

So, now, I also am now able to see with more perspective: if I don't have a full-time job this year, I'll cobble together an income between subbing and tutoring. Meanwhile, I'll have more time to work on my special ed degree.

Actually, I have an interview with a tutoring company this week... $10 an hour, hours not guaranteed, so kind of a shitty part-time job, but still. A job. I'll figure out a way to combine it with subbing or with another part-time job.

To be honest, it will be a bit of a break, not having a "real" full-time job with grading and lesson planning... and ya know, I can really use a break. I've been through the wringer. As you all know.

Speaking of which, I just enrolled yesterday in the special ed program for real. It's a master's program, though it's from a not-very-respected online institution; I don't think that matters much. I'll have a master's (salary bump!) and I'll be certifiable in special ed.

Once I have that certification, I'll be back in the saddle when it comes to the job market, and this time, on a winning horse - special ed is much in demand. I wonder if I can finish it by next year.

Meanwhile, slowly, inexorably, almost imperceptibly, day by day, Lovey and I are drawing closer again. I feel an upwelling of the deep happiness that I've always felt with her. We're not back to normal but we are heading in a good direction. Can't force it, can't announce that it's now better. Just... day by day.

Last but not least: sometime in the next week I expect to drive up to a Buddhist retreat in Wisconsin. I think that will be really, really good. I've been listening to my tapes and melting my heart, hungering again for the peace and the teachings...

So maybe this post isn't so much less optimistic than the last one... dang, is that a trend? Could it be... am I... getting better?

mourning & loneliness

One of the many gifts my outpatient group has given me is space to mourn.

The message I had from others and from myself was that I should be done with all that. But my outpatient group and the therapists there encouraged me to let those feelings out in that safe space, and I've done so...

Weeping at times... asking for the group's input and suggestions about how to move through the mourning and come out the other side.

Their input has been kind and wise.

Yet I'm still having trouble letting go of the last threads. I need to do that and to mourn more completely, instead of engaging in wishful thinking.

Bean also advised me... if there's any distant future, (which is unlikely), the only way to get there is to let go of the past.

I'm trying.

It's hard when I feel lonely in my daily life. I watch my Loopy engaged in daily, ongoing conversations with her online friends. Constantly (and I mean constantly) getting texts from them, texting back, bursting into joyful laughter in the grocery store over something they said.

She tries to tell me about it (after I asked her to talk to me more, involve me more in her life) but it's all inside jokes.

That's ok, really (though we've talked about setting some limits on the texting - not in restaurants, not when I ask her to stop and be with me) but I can't help missing that for myself. A lot. Especially when (it feels like) there's nothing to take its place.

I have tried to get closer to some friends from work, but they do have their own lives and it seems there's a limit to how much they want to integrate me in.

Have been IM'ing with Bean a lot more, and that does help.

As for my beloved wife... it seems our "cement," our "glue," I think is just enjoying each other - just enjoying doing things together makes us feel how much we love each other. Just being together gives us happiness. Enjoying each other's company. Never wanting to be separated.

We give each other joy and pleasure just by being next to each other in the grocery store, on the couch - we just feel the love in little things, a snuggle, a favor (taking the plate in, getting ice cream). Vacations are the best times because we are just so happy to be together. And, they give us things to talk about.

I'm finding that conversation, though cheerful and pleasant and connecting and thought-provoking, is not our glue, at least not right now. So when I get fidgety and miss that, I can't force Loopy to replace it. That's not how things work. Again, as far as Loopy and I are concerned, that's ok.

There's still a hole.

So... I tried getting a miksang shooting group together... that didn't work out. It seems people want to get together to look at their pix, but not to shoot. That's ok, I can do that too. So that's happening Wednesday.

I also started a meetup.com group for sketching and painting that I hope will introduce me to some cool people... at least it will also make space for creativity and art, which I need and miss.

One person has already joined... he sounds like he could be cool or he could be a little nuts. I'll wait and see. Our first meetup is in a few weeks.

Also, we're not allowed to be friends with other patients during the program (to avoid cliques and inside jokes etc.) but after the outpatient program is done, we can be friends. There are two people with whom I think I would really like to keep in touch after the program is done, and I think they'll feel the same.

So there are some possibilities.

Step by step by step.

"one part be my lover, one part go away..."

Awhile ago I was raging at fate and finding the urge to take pictures of "NO" wherever I saw it.

Recently I had the urge to take pictures of arrows... and all the arrows I saw pointed in multiple directions... which made sense because I felt torn in two directions...

Most of you know what happened recently that caused my Loopy to lose faith in me. I have been hesitant to ask her to take that leap of faith back to me, and hesitant to take that leap of faith myself, because I've been afraid I'll just hurt her again.

Yet of course, I missed that closeness with my wife and wanted it again..

I did some collaging (which, I'm finding, is my way to work through things, the way others do journaling - my left brain just won't relax its grip enough for me to find journaling effective) and a lot of thinking, probably too much thinking...

This song played in my head a lot:

If you know how, you might say 'em a prayer
They're gonna need all the help they can get
They remember too much about what went wrong
Might be they should learn to forget
Forget themselves in each other
And leave what belongs in the past
Carry their hearts like a newborn child
Cuz it's only the moment that lasts...
~Bonnie Raitt, "One Part Be My Lover"

Originally it was the leaving in the past, and the carrying the hearts, that appealed to me. Just let go of the past and be gentle and tender. Take that leap of faith. Then I came to hear the last line more and more, and people in my outpatient group encouraged me in the same direction: to also let go of the future, let go of trying to foretell everything that's going to happen, and just live in the now, enjoy each other now, love each other now. So I turned back toward my Lovey... trying to find a way through. When I talked with her about it, she pointed out that we are already there. There's no distance to travel, we are already together, our lives intertwined. So... trying to find a way to relax. Stop struggling. Let happiness and peace seep back in... or rather feel the happiness and peace that are right there, already all around me. Hm. I think I've said that before - about relaxing, ceasing to struggle.... Maybe I should tattoo that on my forehead. :-P

karma is inescapable

"Unalterable are the laws of karma; cause and effect cannot be escaped."

Karma is not what people think, at least in the tradition I (sort of) follow. It is not meted out like reward and punishment by some deity. It is simply the fact that everything we do has results, good and bad. It's not really a belief - more of an observation, a description.

Karma is a wheel, like a hamster wheel. The faster we run the more we feel desperate - this even applies to obtaining good things and escaping bad things.

Enjoying wonderful events and beloved people and objects is not a problem. It's when we chase them, run after them, hunger for them, feel desperate without them. It's all about the running, the need, the desire, the attachment.

So. Karma. That's what I had decided to contemplate this week.

It seems kind of appropriate. I feel like I dug this big deep hole and I have to slog my way out of it. It was a long way in and it's a long way out.

I did it myself, 100%. I dug and dug and dug.

There are a lot of "what ifs" but I try to drop them. I couldn't stop digging: this is just a fact, easily observable. I couldn't stop, even when it was obvious that I was destroying so much.

I was digging my way away from all stability and peace - I dug and dug and dug, more and more into my own mind, my own fears, disappeared into them. I chased and begged for things I already had in plenty - causing so much suffering - until the only thing anyone could do was cut my ropes and leave me alone at the bottom of the hole to come to my senses.

So. The climb back out. Razor rocks and loneliness.

I dug the hole. I caused it.

But at the end of writing this, some compassion. The description helps me see: my obsession, my compulsive digging... not to be hated or disdained but... feel sorry for that person, that me, caught up in pain, creating more pain for everyone I care about, creating more pain for me.

I feel compassion for that me and I comfort me. Just keep climbing. Keep climbing. The hole can't go on forever. It's ok. It's ok. You're not alone, and you can do it.

cuz you can never have too much glitter

Went to the pride parade today... ended up covered with glitter and happy. Loopy didn't want to go - she hates crowds and heat and sun, which pretty much covers any parade. So for once, instead of any compromise involving either a disgruntled me at home or a disgruntled Loopy at the parade, we did what was most likely to make us happy: Loopy stayed home and I went by myself.

I walked 1.7 miles (happy tipsy glittery exercise!) through the crowd - loved looking at the crowd, couldn't care much less about the floats - ate a coconut paleta, had a sangria, bottled water, and caught two strings of gorgeous purple beads. Like I said. Happy.

Then I went to see Away We Go, which, similarly, Loopy did not want to do. The first 2/3 were very funny. The last 1/3, where they're supposed to be making profound human insights/connections, was painfully stilted and stupid.

To finish up the night, I was just bringing the dog inside when I saw - could it - yes! I saw my first fireflies of the season. They always seem so fragile in the city, little lights against the mammoth glare, but they endure so it must not be too bad for them here... they always give me tremendous joy...

love to all from a glittery city :-)

not so great

I feel terrible just at the moment.

Probably because it's 2 a.m. But also cuz Loopy's mad at me and I keep giving her more reasons to be... I feel I can't do anything right... as though I'm toxic even. It's a lonely feeling... I'm the featherless screaming chick right now for sure.

The loving mother bird says, "Sweetie, it's 2 a.m... get some sleep, you'll feel better in the morning."

OK. I will.

list

i came up with three things i want to do to make friends, get out of the house, and not go crazy or drive Loopy crazy this summer.

1. get involved in Obama's healthcare campaign.
2. yoga - i tried going to a qi gong class yesterday and it was perfect, but it's hard to find a good teacher and yoga's just everywhere by comparison. Loopy said she'll do it too!
3. monthly miksang photography meetups with Chicago-area miksang peeps. either join it or make it! yay!

So that's the plan.

If I'm bipolar, I'm defo going manic.

beautiful

The lake was so, so beautiful this afternoon. All day we'd had storms and sunshine alternating, and this afternoon the lake was a gorgeous deep teal blue color, scattered with constantly moving whitecaps, and shadowed with darker deeper teal in the hollows of the waves. I refrained from taking any photos out of the window of the moving car, so at left is a photo I found on Flickr that somewhat approximates the colors of what I was seeing today... it was just breathtakingly gorgeous.

Another beautiful thing: last year with all the wild abandon of the pre-crash economy we bought a bunch of expensive annuals and stuck them in our outside pots. This year I planted seeds, though I think I'll round them out with a couple of cheap geraniums, if such are still to be found at this late date. So I planted - just a few days ago - some nasturtiums (left)(a mix of orange, red, yellow that should be gorgeous), and some Grandpa Ott's morning glories (right).

Last year I had my favorite Heavenly Blue morning glories (below left)—and I do see two of those coming up this year (yay for self-seeding!) so I've been careful not to disturb them—but I thought I'd try a different color...

So anyway it's only been a couple of days and the Grandpa Ott's are already coming up!!! wow! they're just popping up ploink-ploink-ploink like the plants in the Totoro video I posted in April.

I do also see a few little sprouts coming that might be the nasturtiums; we'll see. I'll be lucky if the nasturtiums even bloom - they don't do well with over-fertilized soil, and I'm sure that's what I've got.

I was gonna write about some of the dogs we saw Sunday and online that we might get but I'm falling asleep at the keyboard so I'll leave it at this for now...

Except to just say that either my anti-depressants are working and/or I'm starting to regain my footing after the unspeakably awful last two weeks in April. Loopy and I have been doing a lot of fun things together, like last Friday we had a whirlwind trip to Milwaukee to hear a band she was really excited about. We have a lot of fun together just as we always have... Heartache doesn't heal overnight but... time is, as others have found, a remarkably soothing balm. So things begin to return to normal - although of course, there's never any "return to normal," there is always only a new normal. But new normal is shaping up quite well.

Not everything is redeemed: my Aunt's life is still flickering, possibly still ending, and even if not, she does not appear to be regaining any of her intellectual capacities.

And there's still a giant hole in our bathroom ceiling.

So yeah. Some things aren't beautiful no matter how you look at them... but beauty is around us still, and in our connections with those closest to us... very grateful as always...

Gotta sleep...

spring: deleted, rewritten. summer: anticipated, feared. life: life.

Miri wrote about spring on her blog... including this: "I am not a summer person, and I have noticed the poignancy of spring in a new way this year - I do not look forward to loud stereos and too much sun."

I do like sun, and all the flesh it brings out for my visual delectation, but was initially inclined to say that I dislike spring.

So I spent over an hour writing a long blathering post in which I wrote - with increasing difficulty - about how I like summer but dislike spring. I had lists of bad things that had happened in spring, I quoted from Eliot's overquoted "Wasteland" (of course!)...

...but gradually I thought of more and more good things that had happened in spring, and began to feel that whenever it was that I decided that I like autumn, don't like spring, etc. - whenever those moments were, they were utterly arbitrary, meaningless, and dependent on how I felt that moment... but I decided to attach a lot of weight to that feeling, codify it as "my opinion," then carry it around with me... could walk around much lighter without.

(None of this is meant to disrespect or distort Miriam's words - I'm fairly sure that I've wandered far, far from their connotation if not their denotation - and certainly far from the openness of the mind of the writer as expressed in her post).

So instead, a few fresh and immediate thoughts about seasons right now.....

I love the wave upon wave of flowers that break across the country, across the region (from Chicago to Madison in twelve to eighteen days), and across the street (from the sunny side to the shady side in three to six days)... i suppose across the hemisphere as well... don't know anymore how long that takes. We are just past the last of now-fraying tulips; glorying in the first full burst of lilies-of-the-valley; and just glimpsing the earliest lilacs and irises.

For those who have spent much of their lives on the academic calendar, spring tends to bring mixed feelings of the end-of-semester craziness and anticipation of summer pleasures.

For me personally, this particular year, the mixed feelings are intense. I look forward to summer, and dread, utterly dread, the job search and the unstructured time.

There are many simple summer pleasures that I anticipate cheerfully. First of all, hanging out with Loopy. Summer is our time to enjoy each other, and this year, as we renew our communion, I am really looking forward to that a lot. It makes me happy already to see how those things that should always be hers - my attention, my thoughts, my check-in texts - all these things are hers again. Feels right, makes me happy... And soon we'll spend all our time together again, which we love to do... and this year we're focusing on healing our individual mental health and our health as a couple, so as long as that doesn't turn inward too much, I think that this could really be a very happy summer for us.

Other summer pleasures.

Watermelon. Peaches.

Summer blockbuster movies. Loving the thrill and the popcorn. Coming outside blinking in the blazing heat.

Planting new plants in my pots outside... futzing with said plants... training morning glories to grow over my fence.

Warmth, heat, walking around in a skanky lil sundress (need a new one - shopping!), sweat running down, dress sticking to me...

Having time to let myself enjoy little things that only i enjoy, like watching insects doing insect things...

...as i did this morning on my way out of the front gate - there was this amazing, gorgeous spider, whom I watched and examined, and just now identified online by her iridescent green mouthparts - she was a Bold Jumping Spider. maybe she should be my totem.

(Yes, I'm not just a nature geek but specifically an insect geek - check out this post all about a giant, six-foot weed that I couldn't bring myself to pull because, among other fascinating insect life, it featured an enormous colony of aphids being methodically destroyed by a few ladybugs.)

(Ok, so spiders aren't insects, but saying "insects and spiders" or "members of the Phylum Arthropoda" wouldn't flow as well in the writing).

But over all this looms a lot of fear about ... in short... not being able to handle unstructured time and the job search very well. about teaching again in the fall. about my life.

But here's a ray of hope.

This morning I woke up and went into my usual unstructured time mode. First I poked and prodded myself into misery. Then I moped anxiously about how I was depressed and not being productive. Finally I called dear Miri and cried freely. There is sadness in me and it's reasonable, it has reasons, many. It comes out.

But somewhere in there I forced myself to eat, and Loopy reminded me to take my pills.

And in spite of myself, I feel better. That last bit about Loopy and summer and insects, I wrote after the pills kicked in. You can tell, can't you. Well I know I can.

I'm still really terrified of how this summer will go. But I deleted a lot of anxious blather about that. Somehow, the movies and spiders and morning glories now seem to dominate the fears as easily as the fears dominated the strawberries a few hours ago.

Maybe we're getting close to the right combo of meds. Maybe, finally? this year will be different. Is it too un-Buddhist of me to hope that it will?

"O swear not by the moon, th'inconstant moon,
That monthly changes in her circled orb,
Lest that thy love prove likewise variable." (Romeo & Juliet, 2:2:109-112)

For some reason, I loved those lines when I first read them in high school, and remembered them (quoting them at annoying moments as any pompous Harvard windbag is wont to do).

Recently it occurred to me that it seems there are two things Juliet didn't know, though perhaps Shakespeare did.

First, the moon doesn't change. It's still there. We just can't see it sometimes. But unlike many things in life, it's pretty damn reliable.

Second, everything changes - everything's "variable." Eventually the sun will explode and eat the moon. It's just hard to know what changes will happen and when - there's the rub. Juliet lived less than a week after saying these lovely words. So yeah.

So, moons. It's been a month since what was pretty much the worst week of my adult life. My wife almost left me, my aunt almost died, I lost a dear friend, and the bathroom ceiling fell in. Yeah, literally. Apparently there was a leak upstairs.

The whole losing my job thing, that was a week or two later, but maybe I can kind of toss it in the mix.

So now, a month later, I take stock: still big holes where friend n bathroom ceiling used to be; job still lost. On the other hand, aunt is revived and seems ok (though her mind seems to be gone), and marriage has revived more promisingly than aunt (with its mind still intact) - revived much, much more than I'd have dared to hope a month ago.

So, I have much to be grateful for (what do you do with that dangling preposition? Much for which to be grateful? :-P ).

As I walked down the sidewalk with wifey yesterday laughing and talking about the Star Trek movie (separate post!), as she woke up this morning all sleepy-eyed and beautiful, as she made me breakfast and made me take the dog out, i felt and feel so lucky, lucky, lucky. The absolutely most wonderful person in the world is my wife. And she still loves me! After all that's happened, all I've done, all these years.

My moods are getting more and more unpredictable, the tears and laughter sweeping over me like waves, like storms, like tides that rise and fall at the whim of a moon I can't yet see or chart... I know at times it makes me seem unreliable or confused, confusing...

...but my love still is true, my friendship is true, I am still here after all these years, and so are you. Thank you.

keeping on trying

"Do, or do not. There is no try." Well, I've always trusted Yoda completely, but I'm starting to think he might be wrong about that one. I know, I know, heresy! but...

I try a lot. Sometimes I fail. Sometimes I succeed. Sometimes I don't know which is which. I think there is a lot of try.

I've made a lot of bad decisions in the last.... oh, lifetime or so. Not that some of them haven't been.... well, delicious, wonderful, impossible to regret. But. I've been selfish and harmed others, even though I thought I was trying to be a good person. It hurts to see this about myself. (See also the quotes at the top and bottom of the blog... "Success and failure are your journey.")

When Loopy almost left me, she played a song with these lyrics a lot:

...The thing you claim to love so much
You don't do very well

I'm sure someone will love you
'Til the day that they must die
And someone will mourn for you
With bitter, tear-stained eyes
Will this be enough for you?
You got them in your spell
Because the thing you claim to hate
You do it very well

...in doing all these hateful things
You are unparalleled
At doing all these hurtful things
You really do excel.

(Eef Barzelay, Bitter Honey, "Well.")

This really cut me to the heart. I don't want to be that person. But I know - sometimes I have been that person. And all while I was trying to be loving and caring. But I guess not trying hard enough.

Maybe there is no try after all.

zoo

yesterday we went to the Brookfield Zoo, in honor of Loopy's birthday, which is tomorrow. it was really wonderful, both because it's an amazing zoo and because we had a lot of fun together. it's possible that ice cream was also consumed, but i refuse to verify that rumor.

pix are on flickr.


we have been through a lot lately - a LOT - and it was really great to get some good time together and just enjoy each other's company in a way we haven't in a long time. really, really great. i love my wifey so, so much... n i have the impression that she loves me too. maybe. a lil bit anyway. ;)

summer usually brings us closer because we have more time together, although i'm usually a little crazy so that's no fun, especially since in recent years i'm looking for and/or preparing for a new job. maybe this summer i can be less crazy. what with the new meds and all. i'll work on that.

wifey may rightly reserve judgment, though, until i can prove that i can balance work life and home life better next year. fingers crossed... and this summer i'll try to practice the things that will help me do that effectively... (well first i'll try to figure out what those are. that's what therapy is for.)

so yeah. at this time of year i start to say "fuck it" to my job, and my students say the same, so we are all quarrelsome for the duration, tho we all also feel we can endure anything for the remaining weeks.

their progress reports come out this week and in past quarters, i would have spent the pre-progress-report weekend freaking out completely, desperately trying to grade everything and enter it in the online gradebook, miserable over anything i couldn't grade. probably crying.

this weekend, instead, i went to the zoo; went to meditation; napped a lot (some of it during meditation ;) ); went to Target and Costco (where we picked up our favorite gigantic chocolate cake for Loopy's birthday—promising each other that we will only eat a few pieces before i take it to work, instead of eating it every day for two weeks, like last time (did I mention that it's a gigantic cake?)); watched episodes of "House" and "The Tudors"...

....and....

...i'm just gonna override their grades and give them what grades i think they deserve. hee hee. as long as they're all B's and C's (and a few A's) nobody will complain.

so thank you wifey for a great weekend, and for everything, everything, everything.

birthday coming round again...

today i want to go see this art exhibit
.

i'm hoping Loopy will want to go and will actually enjoy it. she might. it may involve naked people, and who doesn't enjoy that?

well, if not, at least we can have lunch somewhere new and just enjoy each other (the museum is way up in a northern suburb so new territory to explore).

it would be the beginning of my birthday celebration. (i've posted about birthdays and even one of the memories that follow in other years, but i don't care... :) )

next weekend we are going to Madison to spend Saturday with herspiral and her husband. then we're going to have a party two weeks after my birthday. we realized we know and like six people in chicago. that's enough for a party. :) two former coworkers plus one fiancé, one current coworker, and a guy i used to know when we were small children plus his wife whom we met for dinner with my mother and who turned out to be delightful.

i always try to have an extended birthday celebration, at least two weeks and sometimes a month, full of gathered friends and special pleasures. one of these is usually a museum - often an art museum, tho one year it was the . (i didn't consciously create this tradition, but when i ask myself where can i give myself purest joy, that's usually my answer). when i was in college i went to the Museum of Fine Arts at least twice... once I went alone and sketched this piece:


I spent all afternoon, allowed myself to just fall into it, alone in the dimly lit gallery, just become completely absorbed with nothing else to do... it was one of the greatest pleasures of my life. (Of course i had forgotten and missed a meeting with my thesis advisor so guilt and rushing quickly resumed their usual roles...)

(some of you - to the extent that there are any of you! - might know that I am or used to be, or sometimes am an artist, of sorts, maybe. as well as photography i know how to paint and draw, though i haven't for years. after i left art school i was always working on a painting or other piece in my head, but never painted them and the ideas stopped coming. though just this morning i saw a piece in the New Yorker that reminded me of one of these unborn or stillborn ideas... it sounds ludicrously obvious if i describe it but i wanted to make it haunting.... i have a number of pieces in my head related to different phases in my perceptions of our current system of schooling (wouldn't dignify it by calling it 'education') and the harm it does especially to Black children...)

ANYWAY! birthdays.

another year i went to the Museum of Fine Arts with Sylvia and Franklin and we came upon this painting:


(MFA has ridiculously gigantic links - that one was 562 characters!)

It says in the upper right corner - and is titled - "D'ou venons-nous? Que sommes-nous? Ou allons-nous?"

Sylvia commented with wry amusement (misreading the middle phrase), 'We came from Cambridge. We're in the museum. We're going to lunch.'

It is a beautiful painting...

in recent years I have taken to breezing through museums... the slow pondering way I used to traverse them has come to seem too painfully obsessive to me... i remember feeling very driven to absorb all the information about all the works and slot it into a massive database in my brain... it's a relief to leave that behind... associate it with Harvard and over-achievement. Loopy has taught me this...

at the same time I hurry more than I would without Loopy (she may be surprised to hear that! heh)... she is not the biggest-ever fan of museums and i try to balance our conflicting desires for depth and speed by looking at one or two things in each room in depth, then skipping the rest - it's a good Buddhist practice to just let go. it's a good human practice to remember others and be considerate... had to do the same in Iran. consider the group and don't get sucked into anything...

there is a sort of agreement tho that for my birthday i get to linger and savor... be a lil bit selfish... maybe?

This makes it sound like I don't have fun at museums with Loopy. i do. i have a lot of fun - it's just a different kind of fun. Loopy has definitely added new dimensions to museum going... we have little games that sound silly when i describe them, so i deleted the descriptions, but we have little games we play among the objects, that bring us into our own shared world and give us (or me anyway) a lot of pleasure... and i'm looking forward to today, I'm gonna go wake her up.

It also occurs to me that since this is Valentine's Day, maybe I should offer to do something that SHE wants to do. hmmm. there's a concept. ;) anyway i miss her and will go wake her up. :) even though i didn't make her Valentine's Day project which i still want to :) and will!

lil added bonus: while browsing the MFA site i discovered a section on wallpapers for your phone... i don't get why you'd buy them since you can just download them or screenshot them and then email them to your phone, but maybe if you have a simpler phone you can't do that. Anyway, their suggested wallpapers are fun, including some like this:


i love that lil frog. if i didn't already have a lovely picture of Loopy i might get any one of these....