step by step

I loved Goblinbox's comment that I had such an optimistic post last time, so I was loath to post something less optimistic... which is good, because I had some low days there, and that would have been dull.

So, I think it's pretty clear I didn't get that job at the pre-engineering school. I didn't really expect to get it, but I had my hopes up quite a bit.

At the nadir of the previous few days, I felt like a complete failure at everything, and for some reason, I seemed to think that if I don't get a job this year, it's the end of my career and my dream is dead.

See, I told you you were lucky I didn't post at that point.

In a way it was good: I had a little mini-breakdown at my daily outpatient psych ward, after we had to draw our "inner critic" and write down all the mean things it says to us...

I wrote and wrote... "You're a failure" was the main idea... The tears flowed and my heart broke... it seemed to pull the cork out of a lot of work-related sadness from the past two years...

After the initial rush of feelings, I still feel a deep but kinda pure sadness as I go about my day... it's not even painful; it's just running out like clean water, and in a way, it feels good, letting it go...

The "you're a failure" voice has lessened and I just remember different things, and feel the memories, hopes and disappointments flow out with the water and flow away...

So, now, I also am now able to see with more perspective: if I don't have a full-time job this year, I'll cobble together an income between subbing and tutoring. Meanwhile, I'll have more time to work on my special ed degree.

Actually, I have an interview with a tutoring company this week... $10 an hour, hours not guaranteed, so kind of a shitty part-time job, but still. A job. I'll figure out a way to combine it with subbing or with another part-time job.

To be honest, it will be a bit of a break, not having a "real" full-time job with grading and lesson planning... and ya know, I can really use a break. I've been through the wringer. As you all know.

Speaking of which, I just enrolled yesterday in the special ed program for real. It's a master's program, though it's from a not-very-respected online institution; I don't think that matters much. I'll have a master's (salary bump!) and I'll be certifiable in special ed.

Once I have that certification, I'll be back in the saddle when it comes to the job market, and this time, on a winning horse - special ed is much in demand. I wonder if I can finish it by next year.

Meanwhile, slowly, inexorably, almost imperceptibly, day by day, Lovey and I are drawing closer again. I feel an upwelling of the deep happiness that I've always felt with her. We're not back to normal but we are heading in a good direction. Can't force it, can't announce that it's now better. Just... day by day.

Last but not least: sometime in the next week I expect to drive up to a Buddhist retreat in Wisconsin. I think that will be really, really good. I've been listening to my tapes and melting my heart, hungering again for the peace and the teachings...

So maybe this post isn't so much less optimistic than the last one... dang, is that a trend? Could it be... am I... getting better?