so how is work....

Emailed this to a friend then thought I'd paste it here... These are not new themes and it sounds a little whiny, but I just wanted to provide an update...

In other news, I have received a warning at my job ... I have 10 days to shape up... I initially thought that I would be fired if I did not reach the stated objectives, but after some suspense and confusion I was able to clarify that - it's just an initial warning, several steps below the type of write-up that would go in my file or result in termination. So I guess that's some comfort.

But I still feel quite a lot of despair... the job feels so hard and it seems to take all my energy just to get up in the morning and get through the day... my psychological "issues" seem to create enormous obstacles where none should exist, and everything seems impossibly difficult, and at the same time I can see that any normal person would just move through the same spaces without any trouble.

My colleagues and my one friend at work begin to look at me askance... I know they are starting to wonder, why doesn't she finish her work? Why can't she seem to get anything done? (Or maybe that's my imagination...)

Anyway I really begin to see that something is seriously wrong with me, psychologically... my last therapist happened to mention during our last session (in the context of a discussion of some problems with
insurance) that I could be diagosable as having a personality disorder, if not for the quality of my interpersonal relationships. At first this was slightly comforting (so there is actually a good reason why everything is so hard!) but it really doesn't help make anything easier. All I can see is that there is a lot more hard work to try to become a functional human being, and I just have to hope I can pull it off before i get fired.

Or maybe I should just give up and say that it's too much work to be a teacher, that maybe people like me don't make good teachers, and maybe I could be something else. It's like, I have a handicap, and I could try really hard to be the star of wheelchair basketball, or I could save myself the trouble and take up flower arranging. Or something.

Teaching is all I've really wanted to do, but it seems to trigger all my "issues," pretty much bring out the worst in me - paralysis, anxiety, confusion, immobility.... wellllll I guess it is also bringing out the best in some ways as I struggle to overcome these obstacles... but I'm so tired of struggling all the time.

gone

I'll write more later... Dad died this morning... we are ok... sadness feels like tiredness... I couldn't bring myself to talk to him or say goodbye while he was gasping like a fish out of water for the last three days, but once he was still and silent and going cold, I talked to him and told him some things I wished he hadn't done, and some things I was glad he did, and that I understood, and the he was a good dad, and cried a lot.

More later.

Dad

Just an update for anyone who has this on bloglines... seems my Dad is dying... so we are going to Arizona. It's not unexpected, just sad. More another time.