Remember the new friend? Dang, he's intense. He's needy and tries not to be, which is so familiar to me from my end - usually it's me saying "it's ok" when it's not, "I don't mind" when I do, etc (see under recent posts about my frush-frama). He obviously has his own little frush-frama going. And I am presented with the same dilemma I have offered others - he seems like a great guy and I'd like to be friends, but at what point do the minuses outweigh the pluses? Lots of musing about boundaries and how they feel!
No exercise; talked to my meditation instructor but no meditation (she reminded me to just listen to the chaotic roar that is the mind without meditation... Don't fight it just observe it.) I realized that good time with wifey is also self care, which is easier than some of the other things! But I think that's just because we're getting along pretty well right now... I did get some work done today so that was good... Forgot to record yesterday that I made some progress clearing out the dining room, which has been a mess for 1.5 years... I dunno...
No
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
check-in #7
Today: exercise, check - meditation, check - time with wifey, check - spent time clearing out the damn dining room, check. All in all a good day. So why don't I feel a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction? This must be some kind of plot.
Monday, December 28, 2009
check-in #6
thinking. i made a new friend today. we talked about when you get too needy in friendships and just use people up, burn through them... apparently this is his habit... he dives in and grabs on and just eats people up and then they can't take any more and abandon him... but now, he has a new girlfriend who is doing the same thing to him.
i've done this in the past, though less extremely than he has.
so i told him about meditation and about how nothing outside himself can satisfy those needs. he was really interested... he thinks i'm very wise and he's very eager to be best friends now.
he's a likeable guy. i would like to be friends with him - god knows i can use more friends. but, this is an experiment in good boundaries. so far i think i have maintained them pretty well. i explained to him that i was going to do so, and that sometimes it would be uncomfortable for him because it would be like he was trying to dance and i wasn't stepping into his rhythm. i did that several times.
i exercised this morning - took dogs for an hour walk (we are dogsitting an extra baby). so that was good. haven't eaten right tho - only a bowl of cheerios and some christmas cookies for breakfast, no lunch. i'll go fix that right now.
i've done this in the past, though less extremely than he has.
so i told him about meditation and about how nothing outside himself can satisfy those needs. he was really interested... he thinks i'm very wise and he's very eager to be best friends now.
he's a likeable guy. i would like to be friends with him - god knows i can use more friends. but, this is an experiment in good boundaries. so far i think i have maintained them pretty well. i explained to him that i was going to do so, and that sometimes it would be uncomfortable for him because it would be like he was trying to dance and i wasn't stepping into his rhythm. i did that several times.
i exercised this morning - took dogs for an hour walk (we are dogsitting an extra baby). so that was good. haven't eaten right tho - only a bowl of cheerios and some christmas cookies for breakfast, no lunch. i'll go fix that right now.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Checking in... Home from the in-laws'.... Noticing that while it's sometimes easier and quicker to be rude it feels much better to be kind... Hardly an original sentiment but one worth recalling, since it relates to this whole self-care theme...anyway, so noticing in general how not noticing I've become with regard to my own feelings, energy, etc. Want to fix that.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Check-in #5
More connected today. Felt my feelings, talked with relatives... Gave self permission to just sit back and enjoy watching tv and eating all day. I love being with these inlaws... They really love and accept me... after all these years... And it's so easy to be with them. They don't have any expectations of how I'm supposed to complete their lives. They don't even expect me to do the dishes ( though of course, everyone appreciates it when someone does the dishes!) Sigh. A good day.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Check-in #4
Travel day. ER at 2 a.m. cuz I suspected (rightly) strep throat. Relatives' all day. Helped clean up which felt right but spent much of the rest of the day in a sort of dissociated stupor that didn't feel good - I know in past years I've made an effort to connect with each family member. Well, I was super-sleep-deprived today... But once again I'm seeing how much of the day just goes right by me.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
check-in #3
spent a lot of the day on the computer, more than i'd like, chatting on this new site i've found. i'm hoping to make some real, real-life friends there with whom i could actually go places and do things around Chicago, and form some kind of long-term bond - you know, actual friends? - so that's sort of like self care. but i also caught myself thinking about it as something that was going to confirm me, make me happy, etc.
on the other hand, i didn't wait until midnight to start packing for our trip - i was all packed at 7:45, which was a first in my memory - and i had good vegetables for dinner - those were two self-care things. i had to bribe myself with cake to get both of those done, but it happened.
no meditation, no exercise. didn't get out of the car when i could have gone with wifey to walk her dogs; stayed in the car instead, chatting on my phone. yeah, the weather sucked, but the dogs were cute and it would have been fun. some positive time with wifey too... in the car we mostly bickered.
this accounting is interesting. i can see how i consistently come up way on the minus side.
off for pennsylvania tomorrow...
on the other hand, i didn't wait until midnight to start packing for our trip - i was all packed at 7:45, which was a first in my memory - and i had good vegetables for dinner - those were two self-care things. i had to bribe myself with cake to get both of those done, but it happened.
no meditation, no exercise. didn't get out of the car when i could have gone with wifey to walk her dogs; stayed in the car instead, chatting on my phone. yeah, the weather sucked, but the dogs were cute and it would have been fun. some positive time with wifey too... in the car we mostly bickered.
this accounting is interesting. i can see how i consistently come up way on the minus side.
off for pennsylvania tomorrow...
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
check-in #2
let's see... i've been sick all day... this morning at 5 a.m. i really wanted some hot chai and hot cereal so i dragged myself out of bed and made some... does that count as self care? it felt like it... not expecting anyone else to meet that need... i've been trying to take good care of myself all day, got some stuff done i was supposed to do, which felt good.
Still no meditation or exercise. Well being sick i think i can be excused from the exercise but... Nad told me how she had a rule that she had to put on her jogging clothes and go outside. sometimes she went right back in, sometimes she walked a bit, sometimes she went for a run. I was thinkin I should do that for meditation - my rule could be that every day I go down there and light some incense. If i meditate, great, if not, at least i've looked at my teachers' faces for a second or two.
sleepy, going to bed.
Still no meditation or exercise. Well being sick i think i can be excused from the exercise but... Nad told me how she had a rule that she had to put on her jogging clothes and go outside. sometimes she went right back in, sometimes she walked a bit, sometimes she went for a run. I was thinkin I should do that for meditation - my rule could be that every day I go down there and light some incense. If i meditate, great, if not, at least i've looked at my teachers' faces for a second or two.
sleepy, going to bed.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
check-in #1
Good IM with Nadine this morning. She pointed out (for the gazillionth time, poor thing) that it's not this friend I want... that I need to fill my own needs for myself...
she made me promise that every evening i'll post a blog entry stating whether i did any of the following that day - and if not, what blocked me from it.
Things that make me feel better, build me up: meditation, exercise, photography, other creative activities (collage etc.), reflective journal & blog writing, time with certain of my closest friends (that's you) who remind me of my best self. Taking a bath or other physical self-care can be included but not always. Getting work done.
I need a list of things that break a depressed or obsessive mood. Painting my toenails and playing with the dog come to mind. Going to the movies. I'll have to add to this later.
There are also neutral time-sucks... i.e. they don't hurt in themselves but they take up time I could be spending on the above-mentioned positive activities - mostly, they involve the computer.
So today ... I got some work done early in the morning, but spent most of the rest of the day noodling on the computer. I wish I had exercised. I just had a nice bath but I still wish I had gone for the long walk I planned on when i got up this morning. However, I did a good job of not thinking obsessively about this frush-friend... or thinking he's going to make me happy. On the third hand, I didn't necessarily set good boundaries in my interactions online. So... well... it's overall not a building myself up day but not a total loss... I guess.......
she made me promise that every evening i'll post a blog entry stating whether i did any of the following that day - and if not, what blocked me from it.
Things that make me feel better, build me up: meditation, exercise, photography, other creative activities (collage etc.), reflective journal & blog writing, time with certain of my closest friends (that's you) who remind me of my best self. Taking a bath or other physical self-care can be included but not always. Getting work done.
I need a list of things that break a depressed or obsessive mood. Painting my toenails and playing with the dog come to mind. Going to the movies. I'll have to add to this later.
There are also neutral time-sucks... i.e. they don't hurt in themselves but they take up time I could be spending on the above-mentioned positive activities - mostly, they involve the computer.
So today ... I got some work done early in the morning, but spent most of the rest of the day noodling on the computer. I wish I had exercised. I just had a nice bath but I still wish I had gone for the long walk I planned on when i got up this morning. However, I did a good job of not thinking obsessively about this frush-friend... or thinking he's going to make me happy. On the third hand, I didn't necessarily set good boundaries in my interactions online. So... well... it's overall not a building myself up day but not a total loss... I guess.......
Saturday, December 19, 2009
trying to navigate
Lately I've been having frama (that's friend drama, I just made it up) with a frush (that's a friend crush - i made that up too - i mean someone you want to be friends with a lot cuz they're so cool but you aren't sure if they want to be friends with you, so it's like a crush, but just friends).
Sometimes I think we're going to be great friends and confidantes, and sometimes I think this person is just too different from me. As Nad said, I need constant validation, and this guy is silent for days at a time, and when he emails he's often cryptic and weirdly detached. But he's really kind, fun and interesting in person...
He confuses me and I need solidity. But then I think it's gonna be ok and I get my hopes up. Then I think it's not, and I'm sad.
You see what I mean - frush. frama.
Michelle (Goblinbox) and Nadly have had front-row tickets and Miriam has heard some updates, so most of you already know all about it, so I won't waste more time, but it's been a big deal lately and it's on my mind...
Sometimes I think we're going to be great friends and confidantes, and sometimes I think this person is just too different from me. As Nad said, I need constant validation, and this guy is silent for days at a time, and when he emails he's often cryptic and weirdly detached. But he's really kind, fun and interesting in person...
He confuses me and I need solidity. But then I think it's gonna be ok and I get my hopes up. Then I think it's not, and I'm sad.
You see what I mean - frush. frama.
Michelle (Goblinbox) and Nadly have had front-row tickets and Miriam has heard some updates, so most of you already know all about it, so I won't waste more time, but it's been a big deal lately and it's on my mind...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
