glutton for...something

*grrr*

A few weeks ago I felt I was getting too detached from life, spending too many days in the house going nuts. So I decided to get back into school stuff. Being around school & students is very grounding—even relaxing in a way, if challenging—because it helps me remember what I'm trying to do and why.

It was easy to head back to the "alternative" high school, which is big on "adults from the community" being tutors etc., and where I volunteered for two years before I was a student teacher; in fact, when I called my old cooperating teacher, she said she had been just about to call me and could I please come help some of "my girls" who were having issues. (And they are, one in particular, but that's a whole 'nother story).

On the other hand, I dreaded returning to the middle school where I student-taught last fall. (You can read a few screams of anguish here and here). I didn't want to face my old cooperating teacher there, who used to continuously put me down. Perhaps worse, whenever I tried to voice an idea, she would look at me either as though I was a child speaking out of turn at a grown-up dinner party, or as though I was an alien from another planet suggesting that we vivisect the students.

Anyway, school's almost over for the year and I really did want to see all my former students, so I gathered my courage, did some deep breathing, and went there.

It was as awful as ever, including "reading" period, where the white kids read "Beowulf" while the Black kids slept (I am not making this up, although I should note that Beowulf was "retold" in semi-modern language, and one Black student was not sleeping but rather chewing on his shirt).

At the end of the day I went up to the teacher—who looked slightly less pleased to see me than if I had been Grendel (the monster in Beowulf, as I now know)—and eagerly but nervously told her that I had decided she was right, that I wasn't ready for my own class (her exact words were, "It's scary to think that you could have your own class in the fall"), and that I'd decided to sub for a year. "I didn't want you to worry," I said, stupidly.

Her answer, like so many of her comments, sounded fine on the surface but when you broke it down (you know, like on the menu when you realize that "plump breasts of organic grain-fed cornish game hens lightly robed in sourdough bread crumbs and sauteed to golden-brown perfection" essentially means "fried chicken") she essentially said, "I wasn't worried, I figured you wouldn't last more than a year or two anyway."

I was totally thrown. I got in my car feeling stupid and calling myself stupid and not quite knowing what had hit me.

Finally I understood what had happened. Without realizing what I was doing, I had slunk back there for one last desperate attempt to win her approval.

I had wanted her to smile approvingly and say, "Oh, I think that's a very wise decision; good for you. Another year of preparation will be just what you need, and then you'll be all set to go out and be a very fine teacher indeed."

Mind you, this is the woman who, on my last day of teaching, when I said, "Sorry if I've been difficult for you," said, "Oh, well, I've had worse." And when my supervisor asked her what my best qualities are, she said, "She knows her own weaknesses and she takes criticism well," which, in "fried chicken" language, means, "At least she knows she's inept and doesn't mind me telling her so."

In other words, there was no way on earth that any rational being could have thought she would ever throw me the tiniest bone.

I'm trying not to be mad at myself for hoping she would. But I am frustrated because I wish, wish, wish, WISH that I did not give a flying fuck what she thought, or anyone else for that matter, instead of being someone who is so thoroughly undone by disapproval and criticism, even minor annoyance.

*sigh*

and *grrr* too.

Well, off to see "Revenge of the Nerds," I mean the Sith. I'll let you know how it goes.

oh yeah, that felt good

i just woke up. and only because the phone rang. it feels like it's about 10 am, but in fact i slept for fourteen hours straight.

after weeks of getting 2, 3, 4 hours of sleep a night...and nervous, anxiety-dream-filled sleep at that.... not only have i slept deeply for a nice long time, but i feel like i've slept away all those bad dreams and the new day is not only refreshed but somehow clean.

now i have to go clean the house and the car, which, after all that insanity, are definitely in need of a similar transformation.

sorry to leave you hanging....

i have been feeling vaguely guilty for blogging in complete despair and then vanishing for weeks & weeks, leaving you with only a bin laden tape and a kiddie poncho to keep you company. (well, who'm I kidding, with such long breaks in between writing, i'll be extra-super-duper lucky if i have any "you" left to address! :-) )

i wrote on Loopy's blog about our trip to Chicago, so I'll skip that here, except to say that it finished delightfully and we're now back in Madison.

meanwhile, after hitting the depths of despair in that last post on Nov. 4, I spent a few weeks getting myself together. I realized that I wasn't lonely, I was getting depressed. Getting depressed just feels lonely because I lose interest in other people and become obssessed with why other people aren't paying more attention to me, me, me and my problems. All that blah-blah-blah about social justice etc (well, those are my visions and commitments, but) is just rationalization for why I was sinking down, down....

Well, I'm determined NEVER EVER to go back down that road, so...

I went to five different kinds of shrink and an accupuncturist, and now 23 days later, I have two relaxation tapes that I listen to, a weird little tapping routine to reduce anxiety; I'm on a new anti-anxiety medication; I have a backup plan (and a backup backup plan) regarding all the thigns I have to do to become a teacher; and things have really turned around. I feel really happy and actually finish up each day at school thinking, "wow, that was fun; I can't wait to try it again tomorrow!" even though I'm still screwing up constantly.

So that's the update. Gotta run now, I'm keeping Loopy waiting, but just wanted to say that things are better.

xoxo
V

maybe i can do this after all

for those who didn't hear this story last night I just wanted to post about last Wednesday. Birdie (the teacher I work with as a student teacher) wasn't there and I basically did the whole day's schedule on my own. And everything went *great*!!!! Even though it was the last day before a four-day weekend, I kept everything on track. I told the students what I expected and they followed through! It was great.

I was so happy to find that I really have gotten stronger in some of my weakest areas from my last student teaching. For example, students used to be able to throw me off-track very easily by yelling out irrelevant but interesting questions. I didn't want to be "rude" by failing to answer the question, plus I didn't want to squash some nascent academic curiosity (they were soooo onto me!!!), so we would soon be wandering off into la-la land. But on Wednesday they caught wind of the fact that we would be watching a movie later and were all yelling questions about the movie. I just said, "I will answer math questions now, I will answer movie questions later," and went on with the lesson, and they accepted that with hardly a grumble. Just like the books say to do!!! Keeping it positive, etc. etc. It was great!

For a long time I have really been doubting myself, and I've been worried that I was going to get really depressed about it (after all, if I can't even do right what I've always wanted to do, what's the point of doing anything?)(I know, I know, that's too extreme, but that's what it feels like sometimes).

As icing on the cake, the sub, who had taught for 26 years and was apparently much beloved at the school (other teachers kept coming by to greet her and catch up), and who really had a way with the kids, was very complimentary, said that I had a good rapport with the students and that I did a good job, handled everything beautifully etc. It was great to get some positive reinforcement. Not just some, but a lot, and with great warmth and compassion. She had a lot of great ideas and suggestions too. I was so happy. This is what I really want to do--and I can really do it.

Still have to keep in mind that this doesn't mean it will always be perfect. tomorrow for example I fear I am going to choke again as in days of yore. I get so panicky about lesson plans and my head just seems to explode, I'm going every which way, and this is a lesson plan that I've had ready since June!!! But suddenly I'm second-guessing myself and thinking of fifty million other things to do to it. "Why am I doing this, this doesn't make sense, they will hate it, they will be confused and for no good reason, there is no point to this, what am I thinking, maybe I can bring in slave narratives or Hmong embroidery--" (no, it doesn't make any more sense if you know more about the original plan), "maybe I should just start with a note-taking exercise using this three-minute clip off of CNN about the presidential election...."

Keep it simple, stay focused on the goal, and just go through with it. I can do this. if not tomorrow, then, someday soon.

well, back to the real world

tomorrow is my first day at my new student teaching post (thankfully no students yet). I'm going a little haywire as is my wont. I have a tendency to start panicking that I don't know enough to teach my subject, and start desperately trying to read stuff; and/or, I start creating or shopping for Cool Visual Aides, a classic procrastination technique. I have been trying not to do this, since I already developed a good syllabus during my summer school class, and I do think I know what I need to know (although I don't neccessarily have the skills down to do it well). (Geeky confession: I have been using as a mantra, Yoda's voice in my head saying, "Already know you, that which you need." I'm considering deleting this confession immediately).

Loopy made the wise suggestion that we should fend off crying and hysteria by going to a movie, which was awesome (the Bourne Supremacy)(did I ever mention--for those of you other than Amy who already knows this since she was there--that Matt Damon used to live upstairs from me before he dropped out of college?) Now no time now for panicking, time for bed. Aaack. I hope I can sleep.

Will Birdie like me? Will I screw up totally? Will she think I'm an idiot and a failure and refuse to write me a letter of recommendation? Will I cry a lot like I did last year? Will I get to the end of the semester and still be on week 2 or 3 of my syllabus, as happened in every one of my four classes last year?

It's amazing how writing down your fears can help them seem more manageable. The obvious answers to the above questions are (respectively): Doesn't matter. Unlikely. Unlikely. Even if I do, it won't kill me. Unlikely, since Birdie is a lot more hands-on than my cooperating teacher last year.

The number one question: will I be a better teacher after this semester than I am now?

Undoubtedly.

That's the main point, right? Right?

i should have left an hour ago...

...and I haven't started packing. So what else is new?

I just wanted to post briefly (so I wouldn't have so much catching up to do) and say I decided to go with "Birdie," who is a very experienced, competent teacher who knows how to do lots of stuff I want to learn how to do (creaete classroom community, push for high achievement, help students develop academic and intellectual skills). She's not too great on the equity front, I don't think (why am I always helping Black girls with math, within fifteen minutes of entering any school building? And why does it always seem that I'm the first person in their life that has tried to do so?), but I have learned a lot about that elsewhere and can continue to self-educate. Maybe I'll even help her in that department, but I'll have to play it by ear. Anyway there's a lot I have NOT learned elsewhere that I need someone like her to teach me, so I'm really glad I've found her, and I feel really lucky--again!

At first I was perturbed that she is the type of person who doesn't like my type of person (as I've been saying to friends, she's very "no-nonsense" and I tend to generate a relatively high degree of nonsense) but I have gotten over that. I decided (a) not to worry about it, because the more I panic the more nonsensical I get, and (b) just to rise to the occasion. this is my chance to just STOP being so flaky and "crazy," because I think that not only will she not put up with it, she just won't get it, and there's an aspect to my craziness (like every craziness) that requires others to "play along" in my little dramas. So i'm hoping this will be the inspiration I need to be my best self, instead of hiding behind all the neuroses and fluttering that hold me back.

I'm off to Radfest (so sweet of loopy to say she'll miss me! I'll miss her too but I think a couple days to clear our heads at the end of this hectic semester (if I can manage to follow through on my intention to hang out by the lake and read and think a bit) might be useful for both of us--not that it had to be separately but it will be useful anyway). I have to present tomorrow morning on "Brown v Board, 50 years later, how much the schools in this town suck for students of color". What fun (not). But I'll be glad to share some of this info that I've been bursting full of ever since I've learned it.

wallie down, birdie to go

well... wallie was very laid back, which is nice, and works in a team, which is very nice -- good for me and my procrastination habits. her politics match mine, re education and re the world. so, overall fine--if i end up there i will not be upset. it will probably be a lot easier than last year, and she's very easy going, so it should be less stress. but, only 2 drawbacks... like most teachers (i begin to think), she doesn't actually teach much, as far as i can tell. students lacked simple skills and didn't take their work seriously. but as i said i start to think that this is near-universal. if birdie is the same way i may well go with wallie. oh, the other drawback--not very authoritative. i need to learn to be strong if i'm going to push push push kids to succeed, which as we all know is my goal. hm.

i miss camilly! i'm sad that she's gone (possibly only temporarily) but at the same time i feel relieved and even liberated. is it wrong to cut yourself loose from a drowning person? --perhaps neither right nor wrong, just necessary for survival.

gotta sleep if i'm going to be in birdie's classroom at 7:30!!

A or B? A...... or B?

So, this is exciting. I have two options for student teaching... I'll call them Wallie and Birdie (both middle school).

I don't know anything about Wallie except that her school is organized into "houses," and 6-7-8 graders are in multi-age classrooms with the same set of teachers for all three years. It's supposed to be really great for the students b/c it's a stronger sense of community. Drawback: Wallie doesn't always teach social studies, and I'm not sure that, when she does, I'd be able to have my own class (if she only has one social studies class, for example...). I'll have to think about whether it's important to have my own class or whether I had enough experience with that last year.

Birdie came highly recommended. Her school has a reputation for really being committed to full inclusion (that means that students are not segregated by "ability level," i.e. according to what teachers have decided they should be when they grow up), which is something I really wanted (plus, I understand it makes me extra-marketable). There are some superficial bonuses to Birdie's school--it's much closer to home (not saying much--it's ~50 minutes while Wallie's is ~65-70 minutes from home--not that this should be a huge priority but I can't help thinking about it). It's also across from a lovely park with a body of water.

Both schools are relatively small. In terms of the students, I know very little. My vague impression is that Wallie's school is in a "tougher" neighborhood (the high school from that neighborhood has a "reputation," and one of my favorite students last year came from there, a white white working class girl, at times a real hell-raiser, but also a sweetheart). When I went by Birdie's school, the students seemed pretty diverse (for this town), at least racially, which is all you can really tell from driving past the playground. I would like to get more practice working in multicultural classrooms (and I'm not just using that as a euphemism for "nonwhite"--a classroom that is "monocultural" along one major axis (whether it's Latino, Black, rich/white, poor/white, or whatever) has different challenges than a multicultural classroom with few points of reference in common, like my classes at Shabazz)(......and while I was writing that parenthetical comment, I revised it about ten times and started re-evaluating my assumptions about several things...but that's another post for another day). But I think I should focus on working with the best teacher I can find, almost regardless of the students. Almost. Because the school I've been observing in is pretty monocultural (in one sense anyway) and the teacher I think has a distorted perception of how much she actually teaches them--they get a lot from sharing the same culture as the teacher, that she woudl have to teach if they were from another culture. Everything from the unwritten rules of "how to behave" to the technical stuff like "what is an essay?" The teacher talks a good game about teachiing multicultural students but it's hard to guess whether that's based on actual experience.

ANYWAY! I'll be spending the day at Wallie's school on Tuesday and Birdie's school on Wednesday. I can hardly wait!!!

Well, I'll keep you (whoever you are!) posted.

I'm going to start a teaching blog too. Both so I can make that more public, and so that my friends who are more interested in my opinion of Shrek 2 than my teaching experiences don't have to slog through lengthy teaching-related posts.
~V