maybe i can do this after all

for those who didn't hear this story last night I just wanted to post about last Wednesday. Birdie (the teacher I work with as a student teacher) wasn't there and I basically did the whole day's schedule on my own. And everything went *great*!!!! Even though it was the last day before a four-day weekend, I kept everything on track. I told the students what I expected and they followed through! It was great.

I was so happy to find that I really have gotten stronger in some of my weakest areas from my last student teaching. For example, students used to be able to throw me off-track very easily by yelling out irrelevant but interesting questions. I didn't want to be "rude" by failing to answer the question, plus I didn't want to squash some nascent academic curiosity (they were soooo onto me!!!), so we would soon be wandering off into la-la land. But on Wednesday they caught wind of the fact that we would be watching a movie later and were all yelling questions about the movie. I just said, "I will answer math questions now, I will answer movie questions later," and went on with the lesson, and they accepted that with hardly a grumble. Just like the books say to do!!! Keeping it positive, etc. etc. It was great!

For a long time I have really been doubting myself, and I've been worried that I was going to get really depressed about it (after all, if I can't even do right what I've always wanted to do, what's the point of doing anything?)(I know, I know, that's too extreme, but that's what it feels like sometimes).

As icing on the cake, the sub, who had taught for 26 years and was apparently much beloved at the school (other teachers kept coming by to greet her and catch up), and who really had a way with the kids, was very complimentary, said that I had a good rapport with the students and that I did a good job, handled everything beautifully etc. It was great to get some positive reinforcement. Not just some, but a lot, and with great warmth and compassion. She had a lot of great ideas and suggestions too. I was so happy. This is what I really want to do--and I can really do it.

Still have to keep in mind that this doesn't mean it will always be perfect. tomorrow for example I fear I am going to choke again as in days of yore. I get so panicky about lesson plans and my head just seems to explode, I'm going every which way, and this is a lesson plan that I've had ready since June!!! But suddenly I'm second-guessing myself and thinking of fifty million other things to do to it. "Why am I doing this, this doesn't make sense, they will hate it, they will be confused and for no good reason, there is no point to this, what am I thinking, maybe I can bring in slave narratives or Hmong embroidery--" (no, it doesn't make any more sense if you know more about the original plan), "maybe I should just start with a note-taking exercise using this three-minute clip off of CNN about the presidential election...."

Keep it simple, stay focused on the goal, and just go through with it. I can do this. if not tomorrow, then, someday soon.