shadows

So for a long time now I've had this major problem with sleepiness - falling asleep as soon as I sit down, to the point where I've had to stop driving. It started last year when I raised the dose of one of my medications. Since then I've been tested for and treated for sleep apnea - I'm not sure why really, considering that it's obviously one of my medications - I guess I just really really did not want to mess with the meds so I imagined away what I knew.

Finally in desperation this past weekend, since I was going to a meditation retreat with Miri, I tried cutting back my meds just for those two days to try to cut down on the sleepiness issue. Well, it didn't help as much as I'd have hoped during the retreat itself - I still slept through large parts of the meditation - but at school today I noticed a huge difference. I literally had been going into the teachers' lounge at lunch and going to sleep on the lunch table (which isn't great because there's not much space in there to begin with). I had been falling asleep while teaching in my afternoon classes, if I was dumb enough to sit down.

But today I felt awake and alert even though I was (am) tired. It was great.

But in the evening yesterday and today I've struggled with waves of fear and anxiety - jumping out of my skin, thinking I see people in the shadows when I'm the last one to leave school at night. These dark forebodings feel familiar and I worry that I'm again confronting the enemy who has defeated me so many years of my life... I know that's an exaggeration but is, itself, a byproduct of the fear.

Of course, these feelings could also be due to the large amounts of caffeine I've been consuming to try to stay awake, especially as I've been getting up extra-early to try to work out or meditate every morning.

So ... the tradeoff question is obvious. The second question of course (or maybe the first) is, why am I doing this by myself instead of going through my doctor? But the doctor would just cut the meds and tell me to call her in two weeks... but no... how do I know what she would do?

Sigh.

I think I should just go to bed and sleep. Maybe even sleep in a little. WOrkout and meditation can wait one day. Or is that bad too - giving up my self-care first when I get tired instead of prioritizing self-care and giving up responsibilities at work that have grown too heavy?

(otoh I did accomplish something on the extra-responsibilities front - thank you to those who encouraged me behind the scenes :) )