racism inservice

ok, if I didn't feel invisible enough before, I really feel invisible now. We are having a district-wide inservice about racism, where some high-paid consultant comes and talks to us on the TV (why we had to fly him to Madison so he could talk to us on TV is unclear, but anyway), and then we break into small groups and supposedly chew on the problems he poses.

What's amazing is the intractable determination of all concerned to
1) assume that children of color don't achieve because they can't
2) assume that "cultural differences" means that African-American kids are taught to hit back and be late to class
3) assume that fellow students' racial slurs are the only significant manifestation of racism at this school.

But the whole way this inservice is being conducted is... ok well dumb. They give us this article full of academic jargon blah blah blah, and it's not even a good article. It's supposedly an introduction to critical race theory. Yeah. Like that's gonna make any sense to anyone. Everyone at my table sat around and argued first about what "Othering" might mean, then about whether some kid in some example story should have gotten expelled or not. Of course they're having the same experience that non-dominant-culture children have in school (someone throws an article at you that you can't even read, then expects you to discuss it, then--if we were in the same room as Mr. TV Guy--criticizes you for getting off-topic), but they don't even realize it.

Sigh. I keep thinking about simulations to try to reproduce the experience of being in a classroom where the majority of people share a worldview and can't even conceive of how yours could be different.

On the plus side, there was no school today and we had pizza for lunch.

on a more cheerful note...

I was reading a friend's blog and wrote this response; then I thought I'd post it here too, to offset the mood of the previous post.

Here's the original post... the key portion being, "the thing about teaching for [me] is that getting better at it isn't hard work. At least not in the sense of it not being something I have to force myself to do — I want to do what I need to do to keep improving, changing, growing as a teacher. I really do do this kind of stuff for fun... I do everything I do because it makes me a better teacher — even my writing. My central thing — that which connects all my dots — is the teaching."

And here's my response...

hiya XE, I liked this post, surprised to see no comments on it. despite my gloomy post from a few minutes ago, essentially I do love teaching — it's like breathing, it's my life, and yes, it's the only thing that it's easy to work at getting better at. One reason I quit the internet biz is b/c I just couldn't be bothered to keep up. If you want to stay abreast of technological developments, you have to read all these trade journals, etc. etc. Meanwhile for teaching I'm constantly reading and thinking and assimilating. It's easy and fun and engaging. Dunno what I'd do if I lost that profound interest. Sometimes I get the feeling that nothing I do makes any difference, b/c the whole educ system is so fucked up anyway, but mostly that's a fleeting impression — I hope it never settles in!

we don't need no education!

how can I teach for social justice, and how can I stay sane? Teaching sometimes feels incredibly alienating.

As you know our school system is based on the model created by the proto-Nazi Prussians, whose goal was complete obedience among the populace and whose techniques were based on animal training. Clearly, they knew what they were doing when they stuck thirty children in a room with one adult. The only possible mode of interaction is one of control. And not only is the teacher alienated from the students, and the students from the each other, but the teacher becomes alienated from other adults. Alone. It's incredibly lonely. Give, give give, never say what you think, always respond with kindness and smiles. I am happy to give, I enjoy it, but at times it becomes a sort of prison, in which my own facade is the enclosure; inside of these walls I exist, separate, mute, unobserved but observant, thinking. This brings on a pounding headache every day around lunchtime, and, by the weekend, repeated tears and a need for silence and space. I have to find a way to get through the days and weeks without headache, without tears. Does it require developing the thick skin that so many teachers seem to have--an armor that wavers on the borderline of not giving a shit and hating the students? Or is there a way to just relax more, go with the flow, not worry so much? Maybe I should really seriously take up meditating or something. Hah, in my copious spare time, yeah right!

Some of this will improve when I have my own classroom. A big part of the headache comes from biting my tongue too much. I try to learn all I can from my cooperating teacher, but her whole philosophy and approach are different from mine, and sometimes I find this very upsetting. Also sometimes she says ridiculous things (about the world, about history) that hasten the onset of the headache. I definitely feel like Loopy in her recent post, assailing a near-impregnable fortress of hegemonic discourse, feeling despair at my failure because, indeed, it is this implacable mindset that produces everything from internalized racism to global nuclear holocaust.

All this makes me into rather poor company for others these days. Brooding. A bit of a drag. I try not to bring people down, so I don't say anything; then once I start talking the words pour out, I feel desperate. I have trouble modulating my emotions--my would-be funny stories come out angry and bitter. I'm out of step with others, I don't go with the flow. All of which just serves to make me feel even more alone. I'm sure this is just a feeling. But it is a painful one.

On top of all this, on Tuesday we have another inservice about racism. After the last one, all hell broke loose. I learned that there are many people in the world whose views on racism I'd rather not hear.

Welllllllll... I tried not to be gloomy and brooding in this post, but it looks like I didn't succeed! I hope Loopy comes home soon. I shoulda gone with them to the zombie movie. I should go to bed but I wanted to vacuum... surprise Loopy when she gets home.

the cookout

Ang posted how much she hated this movie (and Loopy hated it too), but I thought it was funny. A bit amateurish on the few serious notes, but I laughed quite a bit.

I thought the stereotypes were supposed to be stereotypes of stereotypes, a sort of pomo self-referential kind of thing (not that I know what pomo is really). In other words, I didn't see it as a pathetic attempt to copy "happy ethnic family" flicks, but rather a snickering send-up of those types of films. Like Mike Myers's Scottish family in "I Married An Axe-Murderer"--another mildly entertaining satire of "happy ethnic family" truisms--i.e., I don't think Myers thinks real Scottish families are all THAT excited about haggis, and I didn't think that the makers of "The Cookout" really think that "country Black folks" would show up barefoot and drag a dead deer through the house.

In other other words, as I saw it, they're making fun of films that take their stereotypes just a bit too seriously, like, probably, "My Big Fat Greek Wedding," which I never saw, or "Torchsong Trilogy" or "Moonstruck," which I did see. Where Ang lists the offensive stereotypes, I could just imagine producers sitting around saying, "what other ridiculous stereotypes can we lampoon here? Oh I know, what about country hicks--yeah--we can have 'em drag a dead deer through the house!" I mean, I think a stereotype is offensive when it's meant to be mocking the people it's referring to, but I thought these stereotypes were mocking stupid Hollywood "ethnic family" movies.

So in other words I wasn't offended. And while I did cringe when Danny Glover asserted his "manhood," I thought he had some of the best moments of the film while he was playing the uptight prick...("What? Negroes? In this neighborhood??") In fact, some of the moments that rang most true to me were his and Queen Latifah's mocking of the "middle-class Blacks get tough on the city youth" routine, which I have definitely seen! "Stand back whitey, I know how to handle these kids! You gotta be tough on 'em! Don't give 'em an inch!" In fact, it even made me feel a bit better about not wanting to buy into that routine.

I also laughed at the conspiracy theorist, and appreciated the moment when the skanky girlfriend tries to act more "Black" to keep her boyfriend from breaking up with her--reminded me of white teachers who try too hard to "get down with" their students of color.

I don't mean to make an argument out of this at all, cuz it's not like it was a great movie, and I probably wouldn't exactly recommend it. But, since everyone I saw it with totally totally hated it, I just felt like piping up with my two cents. I'm probably missing something important, and maybe the fact I enjoyed it just means I'm dumber than the movie--but who cares--I had fun, that's all I really wanted to say.

so far so good!

just in case you were wondering, I'm having a blast with my student teaching. it's very low-key, low-pressure, and a lot of fun. I love the students! They're adorable and hilarious! ("They're BABIES!" said another student teacher who moved from high sch to middle sch). And I'm learning SO MUCH! as I had hoped, this teacher is the perfect counter-weight to my tendency to rescue too much (thus fostering dependency). She is very caring but also has good boundaries. Sits back and observes students' difficulties, then provides advice about tools and strategies for them to use to help themselves. I think her method is not completely effective so I will probably modify it, but in the meantime it is so important for me to break this habit of enabling students to remain weak instead of helping them become more independent and proactive.

Example: Dorotha is a sweet but shy new student (her name's not really Dorotha but she has the same name as Dorotha's real name). I'm worried that she's not making friends. My solution: ask some of the other girls to include her more. Their response--look put-upon and disdainfully curl lip. I think I have just made things worse. Teacher's solution: "If she's still having trouble in a couple of days we can talk with her about ways to join a conversation or lunch table. She needs to learn how to do that.")

Anyway it's wonderful, I look forward to it, and I think there will be no tears this time.

karaoke, karie-yokie, carey-oke....

I neglected to blog about karaoke last week (or the week before, whenever it was).

I had a lot of fun. Those who observed the incessant flailing and hollering that represent my best attempt at dancing & singing along will no doubt already be aware of this. Those who were not present will be amused to hear that I sang "when I'm 64" (too quietly and not too well), in honor of Loopy's & my 11th anniversary; and that I later followed that up with a much drunker and rowdier rendition of "brick house" also in honor of the love of my life ("that lady's stacked and that's a fact, she ain't holding nothing back")(many thanks to my lovely bandmates on that one).

I also had a chance to meet NC--Loopy has been raving about NC's blog for many months now. Wow, NC is gorgeous!!! I had stupidly assumed that she'd be a matronly middle-aged sort of person, since she's a law prof and all that, but not at all. It was fun to meet her after all this time. She and another distinguished UW prof sang "if I had a hammer," which was definitely a highlight in my opinion.

There were lots of other highlights too and I hope I get to go back! Yay! And if anyone has any photos of me at this event, please destroy them. No, kidding, please send me a copy (and then destroy them).

way too stream-of-consciousness...

ok, first of all, who wrote that last post? do I really talk like that? "she seems pretty cool"? "scary stuff man"? "here's a shout-out"? What is this, MTV--no, make that VH1--"veejay" tryouts??? jeezus. When I was in SF my old friend (and former high school English teacher) was horrified that I constantly say "awesome." Yeah, thanks a lot, Ang and Miriam. ;-)

Anyway, tonight Loopy's advisor and all her fellow advisees came to dinner. Despite some trepidation beforehand it was actually very nice. I even dare to think that it's possible that everyone had a good time--and I can't remember when I attended (much less hosted) a party where everyone had a good time. Usually someone's bored, depressed, irritated, distracted, whatever. The food was....well, awesome (yeah, thanks a lot, Ang and Loopy) ;-) and we sat around outside on the screened porch. For some reason that's the first time we've ever eaten a meal out there. Very pleasant--the temperature was perfect.

I got all anxious and babbled at Loopy's advisor, but he didn't seem to mind. I gave him a tour of the house and pointed out weird things and talked really fast. I always hear that he asks lots of questions and is interested in everything so I guess I felt free to make myself a specimen. Like I said, he didn't seem to mind, and he did ask questions--actually he asked my favorite kind of questions, the kind that lead up to great stories, like, "Where did you get those two Chinese paintings?" (On the street in China. There's more to the story but this post is too long already).

Loopy is calling mournfully from the other room. She needs a Motrin after vacuuming furiously for the evening's events. Vacuuming always hurts our backs. It's best if we divide the job but I was at school. Which is still going swimmingly--I taught my first activity today and the teacher said she thought it went well. Yay! The kids are AWESOME. (hmmm, I do over-use that word). Anyway, gotta get Loopy her Motrin. Poor Loopy. First a root canal, now a backache....