we don't need no education!

how can I teach for social justice, and how can I stay sane? Teaching sometimes feels incredibly alienating.

As you know our school system is based on the model created by the proto-Nazi Prussians, whose goal was complete obedience among the populace and whose techniques were based on animal training. Clearly, they knew what they were doing when they stuck thirty children in a room with one adult. The only possible mode of interaction is one of control. And not only is the teacher alienated from the students, and the students from the each other, but the teacher becomes alienated from other adults. Alone. It's incredibly lonely. Give, give give, never say what you think, always respond with kindness and smiles. I am happy to give, I enjoy it, but at times it becomes a sort of prison, in which my own facade is the enclosure; inside of these walls I exist, separate, mute, unobserved but observant, thinking. This brings on a pounding headache every day around lunchtime, and, by the weekend, repeated tears and a need for silence and space. I have to find a way to get through the days and weeks without headache, without tears. Does it require developing the thick skin that so many teachers seem to have--an armor that wavers on the borderline of not giving a shit and hating the students? Or is there a way to just relax more, go with the flow, not worry so much? Maybe I should really seriously take up meditating or something. Hah, in my copious spare time, yeah right!

Some of this will improve when I have my own classroom. A big part of the headache comes from biting my tongue too much. I try to learn all I can from my cooperating teacher, but her whole philosophy and approach are different from mine, and sometimes I find this very upsetting. Also sometimes she says ridiculous things (about the world, about history) that hasten the onset of the headache. I definitely feel like Loopy in her recent post, assailing a near-impregnable fortress of hegemonic discourse, feeling despair at my failure because, indeed, it is this implacable mindset that produces everything from internalized racism to global nuclear holocaust.

All this makes me into rather poor company for others these days. Brooding. A bit of a drag. I try not to bring people down, so I don't say anything; then once I start talking the words pour out, I feel desperate. I have trouble modulating my emotions--my would-be funny stories come out angry and bitter. I'm out of step with others, I don't go with the flow. All of which just serves to make me feel even more alone. I'm sure this is just a feeling. But it is a painful one.

On top of all this, on Tuesday we have another inservice about racism. After the last one, all hell broke loose. I learned that there are many people in the world whose views on racism I'd rather not hear.

Welllllllll... I tried not to be gloomy and brooding in this post, but it looks like I didn't succeed! I hope Loopy comes home soon. I shoulda gone with them to the zombie movie. I should go to bed but I wanted to vacuum... surprise Loopy when she gets home.