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Awhile ago I was raging at fate and finding the urge to take pictures of "NO" wherever I saw it.
Recently I had the urge to take pictures of arrows... and all the arrows I saw pointed in multiple directions... which made sense because I felt torn in two directions...
Most of you know what happened recently that caused my Loopy to lose faith in me. I have been hesitant to ask her to take that leap of faith back to me, and hesitant to take that leap of faith myself, because I've been afraid I'll just hurt her again.
Yet of course, I missed that closeness with my wife and wanted it again..
I did some collaging (which, I'm finding, is my way to work through things, the way others do journaling - my left brain just won't relax its grip enough for me to find journaling effective) and a lot of thinking, probably too much thinking...
This song played in my head a lot:
If you know how, you might say 'em a prayer
They're gonna need all the help they can get
They remember too much about what went wrong
Might be they should learn to forget
Forget themselves in each other
And leave what belongs in the past
Carry their hearts like a newborn child
Cuz it's only the moment that lasts...
~Bonnie Raitt, "One Part Be My Lover"
 | Originally it was the leaving in the past, and the carrying the hearts, that appealed to me. Just let go of the past and be gentle and tender. Take that leap of faith. Then I came to hear the last line more and more, and people in my outpatient group encouraged me in the same direction: to also let go of the future, let go of trying to foretell everything that's going to happen, and just live in the now, enjoy each other now, love each other now. So I turned back toward my Lovey... trying to find a way through. When I talked with her about it, she pointed out that we are already there. There's no distance to travel, we are already together, our lives intertwined. So... trying to find a way to relax. Stop struggling. Let happiness and peace seep back in... or rather feel the happiness and peace that are right there, already all around me. Hm. I think I've said that before - about relaxing, ceasing to struggle.... Maybe I should tattoo that on my forehead. :-P |
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4 comments:
I have the same problem with letting go and struggling so hard against everything.
I was told today that the job market this year will be worse than last, I am likely "in trouble." At first, I blanched - but I invested all this time! My career! My debt! ten years!
And then I was like you know what? Whatever. I'll figure it out. I'll work... somewhere. Doing something. And I'll make my way through, like everyone else. No sense struggling so hard. Won't get me anything, after all.
And besides, is right now so bad? Not really. Right now is pretty okay.
Of course, tomorrow I'll probably be apoplectic in the corner, scolding myself mercilessly. But at least I can keep trying to remind myself.
Jeez, Ang, I'm sorry to hear about the job market sucking so badly.
But, you WILL figure it out.
No scolding yourself my dear. Everyone is doing their best. Including you. Be gentle with yourself. As you would be with a friend.
Love you!
Having been the one to see, and apparently lose!, the NO pix, it's great to see your arrow pix!
Yep, it'll come together. I'm trying to look at this way: academia is by no means my passion. Even my chosen field isn't my passion. I'm really only passionate about things that don't pay bills.
I'm not sure I even believe in this stuff, but what if it's a cosmic intervention to allow me to do something else? Or, at least, what if I can capitalize on it to do something else? There's so much out there. Maybe something fits me better than this. That's what I'm thinking now, anyway...
(Ugh, sorry to suck up all the airspace with talking about myself. Get yer own blog, Ang!)
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