keeping on trying

"Do, or do not. There is no try." Well, I've always trusted Yoda completely, but I'm starting to think he might be wrong about that one. I know, I know, heresy! but...

I try a lot. Sometimes I fail. Sometimes I succeed. Sometimes I don't know which is which. I think there is a lot of try.

I've made a lot of bad decisions in the last.... oh, lifetime or so. Not that some of them haven't been.... well, delicious, wonderful, impossible to regret. But. I've been selfish and harmed others, even though I thought I was trying to be a good person. It hurts to see this about myself. (See also the quotes at the top and bottom of the blog... "Success and failure are your journey.")

When Loopy almost left me, she played a song with these lyrics a lot:

...The thing you claim to love so much
You don't do very well

I'm sure someone will love you
'Til the day that they must die
And someone will mourn for you
With bitter, tear-stained eyes
Will this be enough for you?
You got them in your spell
Because the thing you claim to hate
You do it very well

...in doing all these hateful things
You are unparalleled
At doing all these hurtful things
You really do excel.

(Eef Barzelay, Bitter Honey, "Well.")

This really cut me to the heart. I don't want to be that person. But I know - sometimes I have been that person. And all while I was trying to be loving and caring. But I guess not trying hard enough.

Maybe there is no try after all.