not doing a good job at this job or at finding a new job.

Took the day off yesterday to go to a job fair. Panicked, cried, changed clothes, wasted time, slept when I should have been working, and missed the thing completely. Drove up to the gates at 3pm - the event was 12-3.

Cried and cried in the car. Felt terrible. Called myself names. As I cried, everything awful from the past month came up to stab me as well.

Desperately sought something to hold onto, some story or drama to take and run with. But, each story that presented itself, I recognized as such, and dropped it.

So I again tried, and managed - for a few minutes - to follow the teaching discussed below, about staying present, leaning in, letting my heart be pierced. Again I found that when I did that, in my tears, I saw things that I wouldn't have seen if I'd been all in my head - brilliant tulips - decided to drive home through the city - felt present and alive - despite the pain and flowing tears the whole time.

And then the feeling passed. Like a storm in the desert that rushes past, heavy and powerful with thunder and lightning and torrential downpours, then gone. I still felt weak and ragged, but I didn't feel all that misery and self-hatred or hysteria.



(by calc-tufa, aka too-ticky, one of my fave flickr peeps esp when it comes to Arizona pix)

I guess I'll keep trying.