The shocking thing was how many of my friends also got the axe, including some very good teachers. I guess it's political. I don't know. Some of them were really, really stunned. Others said it was just as well, they wanted to leave anyway.
In my case, the administration did warn me three times, and I wasn't able to pull my shit together, so it was neither unreasonable nor unexpected.
The principal and I discussed that I had done better with the honors class than with the regular students, and that I would probably be better suited to a more selective school or a gifted program of some kind. (I said I considered this more of a failing than something to be proud of, but that's the way it is right now). He said they'd provide letters of rec and I suggested that maybe they could say that explicitly.
(And what a contrast to my previous psycho principal! She would not write a letter nor allow anyone on her staff to write a letter, due to fear of lawsuits - i.e. if I had documentation saying anything positive, supposedly I would sue the school for letting me go!)
However, my spirits continued to fall all day, and toward the end I realized why: I don't care so much about this job. But I feel like I'm looking ahead to a bleak summer. Job hunting and ensuing anxiety are always fun. Lack of structure does also tend to be difficult for me. We don't have any money to travel anymore (maybe we'll drive to Minneapolis...) so I feel like there's nothing much to look forward to.
And then... perhaps even more so... if/when I achieve that wonderful goal - a new job - it is hard for me to imagine going through this whole process AGAIN. The new school, the terror, the struggle, figuring things out, not knowing what to do, constant stress and confusion... Perhaps the same constant failure. Some people say it gets better in your fifth year. I don't know if I'm going to last that long. But I don't know what else I'd do.
Well... one foot in front of the other...
I leave you with a lil quote, and gratitude for all of you.
"To know someone here or there with whom you can feel there is an understanding—in spite of distances or thoughts unexpressed—that can make of this earth a garden."
— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
4 comments:
Ugh. Sorry to hear, (read a few times, grin). Wah. But I am glad you have a weekend coming up. Give yourself some space. This has been an extra hard haul.
"This has been an extra hard haul." You are not kidding. It has been hell. There is still a giant hole in our bathroom ceiling, reminding me that whatever is awful in your life, the universe can always make it worse. :-P
Thanks for ALL your support.
despite the ever-returning terror, you always end up getting on your feet -- an impressive feat (LOL! a pun!), my dear.
i thin you should turn that giant hole into a fabulous skylight. lol! that way you can watch the stars while you shower. (-;
heh. thanks chestnut poem ;) if i cut that hole any bigger, i would see and hear the toilet habits of the couple upstairs, their mother-in-law, and their child, who is just learning to walk, thus pairing herself with her seven-foot-tall father (not kidding) as an extremely annoying and constant footfall.
but we'll pretend it would be a skylight. in my heart it's a skylight. thank you my friend!
do you realize we've known each other 23 years? lol *big hugs*
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