traveling shoes

a year ago today i started an indescribable journey... one of, as i wrote at the time, "pushing my limits and seeing how far they can go... finding that limits are not limits... it is fascinating... like exploring new parts of my own mind on some kind of expedition..." it was one of the best things i ever did... taught me so much about myself, opened whole new worlds to me, and healed old things too.

now i'm on a different kind of journey. trying to ... hm. in buddhism you're not supposed to be trying, it's too "grasping," too "clinging." but so, ok, fuck buddhism ;-) ... i'm trying to find some sanity. some peace.

i feel crazy and tired. very tired. so tired.

my shrink today said, "you've been through A LOT." the way she said "A LOT" made me feel heard, understood, listened to, and comforted. (how do they do that? i just wanted to curl up in a fetal position on her floor and never leave). anyway. then she said, "you need a break, you need to rest." i am inclined to agree. 16 work days left.

my favorite part was when she threatened to "go down there and beat [my students'] asses," which was pretty funny because she's a beautiful, young, VERY elegantly dressed Polish (i think) woman who speaks with a delicately charming accent, and does not seem likely to swear, never mind kick anyone's ass—and yet, when she says it, you kind of believe she could and would.

anyway, she said other comforting things that i can't completely remember and gave me a bag full of free samples of Abilify and told me to come back in two weeks.

two weeks and two weeks and two weeks. but at the moment that's my equivalent of "one foot in front of the other." one shrink appointment at a time. just hang in there. just hang in there. just hang in.