fear

have been feeling that old anxiety. started friday when i gave a quiz and students didn't seem to understand what i was teaching. have been frozen again, deer in the headlights, feeling ineffective. stuck. avoiding my work instead of embracing it. lost that determination and drive. for the first time, eager for the day to be over, not enjoying my job.

Loopy says. "Your job is to teach, their job is not to learn. Just keep going."

Since then I've started to think that I misinterpreted the quiz - that students just didn't understand the instructions. that's helping me get back on my feet.

in the interim, though, i've amassed a pile of undone work. it goes so fast - you have to keep up - every day.

and the anxiety persists. i tell myself i was overwhelmed with anxiety at the beginning of school and i kept putting one foot in front of the other - just do that now. one day at a time. one foot in front of the other. don't focus on what i didn't do yesterday or what my mistakes were. just start from now.

trying to apply what i learned this summer but it starts to seem far away. need to review my little post-its and other tools. wonder where all those papers went. the advice seemed obvious at the time but now i need it.

i'll imagine myself at the group check-in in the morning and see what i think others would say. maybe i'll call some people from the program and see if they want to hang out.

right now i have to get ready for school. i suppose even this post is a way to avoid, a way to be deer-in-headlights. but now i feel somewhat that i could stop that, that i could wake up, that i could be me again. it's coming back. strength flows back into my limbs. god. i was so scared.

grateful for this space to write. grateful for those who read.