self-doubt

...comes creeping back in. classes are getting unruly. i'm getting tired - very tired. i start to feel myself being like last year - staring dully at them and going back to teaching without knowing how to handle what's happening. deer in the headlights, is that coming back? damn, it was so traumatic and awful last year. and the year before.

trying not to panic. using my tools from my outpatient program... what is going well? remember my accomplishments... focus on the positive...

maybe i should call someone from the program, help me snap out of this.

good friends from Madison are coming to visit this weekend - they always make me laugh, hard, a lot. so that will be a good chance to recharge.

i've made some friends in Chicago, finally. a colleague from last year, one from the year before (but we've just started hanging out and grading together on a weekly basis over the past couple months), and a guy i met on the meditation retreat last summer. three whole friends! wow! that's a good thing.

dog continues to be a pain in the ass. doesn't give me a lot of joy like owning a dog should. he's mostly annoying, occasionally delightful. right now we're dogsitting another dog, too. it makes decent money for very little trouble, but it makes me stress out like crazy so i don't know that it's worth it.

i was observed on Tuesday by our curriculum director who just loves me, and she had not one single negative thing to say, and a lot positive. tomorrow there's a team coming from somewhere to judge the school in some way, and the school people want them to observe and interview me. somehow i've become the dog in the dog and pony show, and i don't know that i like it. i mean, it's a huge, huge compliment that suddenly i'm almost a star instead of the door that gets rushed past, but it's scary. i guess that might be one reason for my little freakout. so really, it's a good thing. it just feels painful and scary. but some good things do.

or so i try to tell myself.

i'm glad to have this blog to talk to... helps me figure things out. thank you for reading...