Today I just felt sad. Why... is a long story. But it didn't help to be working at Rainbow and have (1) some nun on the radio telling us in great detail about her horrendous torture in Guatemala in the 80S (with the interviewer repeatedly saying, "can you tell us more about that?" -- I'm thinking, "how about you skip that part?" !!!) and (2) Allen going on & on about the friggin' avian flu and how we're all going to die. If we're all going to die, why harp on it? Who wants to spend their final weeks being depressed and anxious about impending death?
Allen. That's who. *sigh*
But anyway I was walking down the street with, I'm sure, some kind of odd look on my face. I passed Lisa Link Peace Park, which as any Madison denizen knows, is a hangout for all kinds of people who seem to jsut pass the time hanging out, all the time. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing.
Anyway, as I walked past, this old Black man suddenly said to me, "And how was your day today?" I was surprised, but his face was genuinely...something. Genuinely genuine. Not exactly caring, but not mean--he didn't have an ulterior motive, he was just passing the time, and he wanted to know something--maybe he just wondered how I would respond. That was kinda interesting, and I became curious to know how he would respond if I responded.
So I said, "Crappy, how was yours?" I don't know what he said--I guess I didn't do him the courtesy that he did me, of actually paying attention to the answer--all I remember was the last thing he said, which was, "get some rest, okay?"
It didn't "make my day" or anything. But it felt like gave me a teaspoon of humanity and compassion and it surprised me, made me open my eyes and look around.
It seems odd to end the story there, but there's really nothing else to it. It was an unusual experience and I just felt like writing it down. Partly because it reminded me that maybe I could do that for other people. Just a moment of genuineness, slice through all the BS for a second... it's like a good deep breath, clears your head a little.
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......success and failure are your journey*......
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*The quote in the top bar is from Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche, whom I tend to view with some suspcion as a person (great teacher or charismatic cult leader? I'm not sure!), but whose teachings I often find useful nonetheless... here is a further elaboration:
The sense of trust is that, when you apply your inquisitiveness, when you look into a situation, you know that you will get a definite response.
If you take steps to accomplish something, that action will have a result--either failure or success. When you shoot your arrow, either it will hit the target or it will miss. Trust is knowing that there will be a message.
When you trust in those messages, the reflections of the phenomenal world, the world begins to seem like a bank, or reservoir, of richness. You feel that you are living in a rich world, one that never runs out of messages....
You trust, not in success, but in reality.... [W]hatever the result that comes from your action, that result is not an end in itself. You can always go beyond the result; it is the seed for a further journey.
And,
Often, when someone tells us we should be fearless, we think they're saying not to worry, that everything is going to be all right. But unconditional fearlessness is simply based on being awake....
[F]earlessness is unconditional because you are neither on the side of success or failure. Success and failure are your journey.
6 comments:
Who wants to spend their final weeks being depressed and anxious about impending death?
Exactly. You gotta give yourself permission not to care sometimes. Not all the time, but sometimes.
I care, but there's obviously NOTHING I can do about this one. And according to Allen it's already too late. I'd rather focus on things I can actually do something about. Like racism in the school district.
Well, things I can at least hope I can do something about.
The best way to get out of a funk is to do good things for others. Period. That's why that moment struck you as significant: the universe was nudging you.
When you feel blue for yourself, you're feeling blue for potential LOSS. Loss of things, or life, or happiness, or some kind of attachment.
So the best thing is to turn yourself inside out, deny that attached-to-things ego and do good work for others. You know, service. Sacrifice. Work. Ego-killing devices!
I don't think it's about denying yourself something for the sake of denying yourself something. Self-denial is a type of aggression. I think self-denial is a Christian thing, and it leads to a lot of confusion.
No offense if you're Christian. But I'm not.
Sadness...yes, it's a sense of loss. But emotions are not ignorance. There will always be loss and there will always be sadness.
Ignorance, attachment lies in thinking that grasping onto something will make you feel better. This leads to aggression (suppressing the feelings) or passion (indulging the feelings), which are what make the hamster wheel of samsara go 'round.
Helping other people to make yourself feel better is at best ego-gratification. While it may be of practical use, it's about me, not them. Helping other people in order to ignore my feelings is a form of aggression towards myself.
But on that particular day I was stuck in indulgence, grasping onto the feelings themselves and becoming lost in them. I was sinking into a world of "me," closing off to everything else.
So the man speaking to me, and actually *looking* into my face with genuine interest, just reminded me that "me" is not the whole world. It helped me breathe and open up again.
I don't know if that makes sense. It was a bit stream-of-consciousness. Your thoughts are welcome.
I'm not Christian. If I'm anything, I'm Hindu.
And you're right about the harshness of self-denial in certain disciplines. You're also right about honoring the emotional body.
But I was responding to what you'd said specifically and not making generalizations - I got the vibe that you'd been, well, wallowing a bit that day, and look at what the Universe gave you: that very particular, specific, wonderful and brief encounter with a human being!
Isn't this whole process neato?
P.S. I do think the Christian trip is can be really bad - particularly in the states - in terms of the whole discipline/denial tip, absolutely. One can get just as addicted to discipline and self-denial as cocaine or really bad sit-coms. Yet discipline and self-denial are ultimately part of the spiritual trip - you just can't get there from here without passing through it.
P.P.S. The discipline and self-denial I'm talking about are tools we can use to control ourselves, to restrain ourselves from wallowing (in emotions, or sensualism, or whatever it is that we're using that week to cloud ourselves) in order to gain mastery over ourselves, and *not* some kinky self-damaging ego trip.
very thought-provoking... i don't have a response ready yet but wanted to acknowledge that I'd read this and am thinking about it.
I will say I don't beleive in a sentient anything that makes plans for me, such as surprising me with a chance encounter.
I do believe that when you're (a) open and (b) doing something harmful, the response of people around you can wake you up to what you're doing...
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