OK, here's the philosophical insight that's going to fix my life. Ready?
Maybe the problem isn't that I judge myself (as selfish or lazy, for example) and that I just need to be nicer to myself.
Maybe the problem is that I am terrified of being selfish or lazy, and I would do anything to avoid seeing myself that way.
Maybe I would much rather have a Serious Problem than conclude that I'm just an ordinary person who is sometimes selfish and/or lazy. Because a selfish, lazy me would be a Terrible Person who would not be worthy to live.
But if I have a Problem (capital P) that somehow lifts all responsibility from me, then it's ok, I'm not a Terrible Person, I'm just a sad victim of circumstance.
So that would explain why I assiduously avoid any solution to my Problem, because if I can solve it, then I could have solved it before, and the fact that I didn't, means that I was selfish/lazy/otherwise lacking, therefore I would have to conclude I'm a Terrible Person. Not fit to live. Etc. And I'd rather be sick, crazy or anything rather than a Terrible (selfish, lazy) person.
Hmmmm.
A couple years ago I went through this with the idea of being annoying. I used to be so petrified of being annoying, that I would constantly apologize and end up being really annoying. Finally one day I decided, hey, sometimes I'm annoying, but that's not the end of the world--some of my best friends are annoying at times (not you, of course, dear reader--everyone else, you know how they are). So I stopped worrying about it so much and actually I think I'm a lot less annoying now, although I hadn't even thought about it in years.
So maybe if I decide that even if I'm selfish and/or lazy, that's not the end of the world--maybe that will help.
Like right now. I'm keeping Loopy awake even though she's tired and wants to sleep and I promised to go to bed at 10:30. It would be great if I had some kind of Serious Problem (care to flip through the DSM with me, anyone?) so this would not be my fault.
But maybe I'm just being selfish. And yet, maybe I still deserve to live. Hmmmm. Interesting new concept.*
OK, great! This is definitely it. This insight will fix my life. Right????
In any case, I'll keep an eye out for signs of Dramatic Transformation. You'll be the first to know.
*We'll see if Loopy thinks I deserve to live.....
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
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1 comment:
Ah hah, great minds think alike, as Dr. Faustus no doubt discovered if he happened to read the following post.
I think I'm the only one who ever thinks I don't deserve to live. Everyone else seems to cut me some slack. Because being selfish or lazy or annoying at times doesn't cancel out every other good thing about a person. It's just not that big a deal.
What a concept.
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