whew... London

I am falling behind - there are still two days to blog about from Germany that I didn't finish - but I'm jumping ahead anyway.

Honestly, I was getting really depressed being in Germany, for reasons I don't feel like dwelling upon here... but it's so great to be in London. We love our London friends. They have "good enjoyers" (one of the first things we did was go to a pond and feed ducks) and they are happy - they have a good marriage and satisfying jobs. And they're fun, funny, intellectually curious, thoughtful, smart, and did I mention fun? It's just such a pleasure to be with them. And their new house is soooooo adorable!

R & C 's cute new house! Complete with art by R and decor by both :-)



Our afternoon adventures... visiting an old manor house (no pix inside, sorry!), feeding ducks on Hampstead Heath, and dinner at one of the oldest pubs in London (fish n chips, natch).



Can't write more now, I'm too tired. But... just happy.

european ballet + chinese acrobatics = wow + huh

Tonight our gracious hosts took us to see a really amazing performance: it was Swan Lake, done by Chinese acrobats who had also mastered ballet. (I'm just assuming that they were acrobats first, but I could be wrong. Their mastery of both forms was impeccable to my (admittedly untrained) eye).

If you've ever felt that classical ballet was lacking something, perhaps you were longing for frogs dancing on their hands...



or amazing poses assisted by stage equipment previously unknown to ballet, or a ballerina bent into really extreme shapes...



Or maybe what you have been missing, o less-than-fan of classical ballet, is a ballerina dancing on her partner's shoulder...



or head:



Overall, the spectacle was dazzling and impressive, and included several tricks I hadn't seen before in other Chinese acrobatic shows. My favorite new trick involved people rolling around in giant metal circles:



However, there was still something oddly lacking. Maybe it was a coherent story. I'm not too clear on the original story, but there wasn't much story here. Just the barest hint of some continuity from one scene to the next, just enough to provide an excuse for spectacular stage sets, amazing costumes, and tremendous feats of acrobatic skill.

Did I forget to mention the scene where all the supporting swan-ballerinas were on roller skates? That was probably my least favorite innovation. You'd think it would be cool to see them all gliding, but they didn't really glide - turns out, even on roller skates you need to move to propel yourself - and the movement was a lot less fluid than the floaty thing that real ballerinas do when they glide across the stage en masse....

Anyway, a good time was had by all, and if you have a chance to see it, I definitely recommend it. "And now for something completely different," guaranteed!

Here is a review by someone who knows more than I do about ballet.

One more day in Munich... thinking of taking Loopy to a Kandinsky show... she likes Kandinsky.

wacky castle

So, now I'm behind with the travelogue.

Day before yesterday was the castle - Neuschwanstein. It was shrouded in fog and very picturesque.


It's forbidden to take pix inside, so I'll borrow a few of theirs. Click on the photos to go through to the castle website and learn more.



The castle was built by a King who didn't much care for matters of state and preferred to go into massive debt in order to build pretty things. It was begun in 1868, just after the Civil War, when there was definitely no real use for castles. So it's just a giant vanity project.

The amazing thing to me was the total mishmash of artistic and architectural styles, themes, and motifs. There was no unifying philosophy or anything that linked the different rooms together, or even linked the different elements of a single room together.

For example, gothic architectural details in this hall and bedroom:


...combined unnervingly with realistic painting, as you can see in the top picture (above).

Then there was the throne room, in a heavily Byzantine or maybe early Romanesque style, including columns of solid porphyry, an elaborate floor mosaic, and gold background everywhere - though the images were again painted in an incongruously realist mode.



And then, just in case you weren't totally sure that you were in the full flower of the Romantic 19th century, there were the random little odes to "nature" and naturalism, such as this "grotto":



It was so realistic that I asked Loopy, "are you sure it's not a real cave?" She scoffed at me: "Lovey, we're on the third floor." Well, you know, maybe it was, like, built into the mountainside or something. OK, OK, shut up. So... yeah. Pretty wacky.

Loopy said all this aping of earlier styles, especially without total coherence, was a quintessential expression of the birth of modernity. That makes sense to me.

In terms of how our day went, it was quite a schlepp to get there: we took the subway, the train for two hours, a taxi, and finally a horse-drawn carriage up the last part of the mountain. And we still had to walk about 200 yards up very, VERY steep road. Loopy was so brave.

knitting on the train	knitting in the horse carriage

After the castle we had a delicious lunch very close by - roast pork with a giant dumpling (knoedel) and sauerkraut for Loopy, and potato dumplings with cheese, onions and sauerkraut for me (sort of like a Bavarian mac & cheese!) It was deeeeelish.


It was kind of funny that we traveled four hours each way for a 35-minute tour, but we had a great time anyway. The journey is part of the point, right? We love our adventures.

ugh....

We interrupt this fun and cheery travelogue for a medical update. A week before vacation I started a 10-day steroid blast that was hopefully going to cure my miserable back pain, at least for like six months or so. I had to lie in bed all weekend and whined and complained a lot on Twitter, so those of you who've been following me there will doubtless remember the event.

I don't know if I twittered as much about how much the symptoms improved, especially around the sixth or seventh day. The last day of school, I think I twittered about how I had overslept, but I'm not sure I got a chance to note that a few hours later, it occurred to me that it was really cool that I'd been able to oversleep - usually the pain wakes me up if the alarm clock doesn't. Anyway, by the time we had to get on the plane I had no pain at all. It was awesome!!

So the steroid blast ended a day or so ago. The pain is back full force. Pretty constant. Often intense.

I don't think I can wait til spring break for the surgery. The few days without pain really showed me how much the pain takes away from my life. The pain makes me cranky and short-tempered with students; it interferes with my concentration and focus; it makes me dull and plodding - it has me just looking at what I have to do to get through the day, instead of dreaming and planning and creating. It has me coming home and going to sleep instead of even trying to interact with my wife or do anything for school. It's like a cloud in front of my vision and cobwebs in my brain. I didn't really realize all the ways it was affecting me til it was gone.

Maybe if I were a saint I could carry on without any impact, like some woman my mother was just describing over Christmas dinner, but I kinda bet the saints either don't have a lot of pain or have some kind of impact that we don't see.

I'm pissed right now that I chose not to go to a concert of Bach in an old church on Christmas Eve because of the damn pain. It wasn't a question of "should I just endure it to enjoy the concert." I couldn't endure it. Those mythical "saints" may cluck their tongues all they like. I know what I can stand.

So next when I get back, is more medical crap, an MRI etc. More appointments; more days off school. And hopefully soon enough the surgery.

Should I grin and bear it, wait til spring or even summer break for the surgery? Ten years ago I might have said yes, I should sacrifice months of pain to be sure I do good work and keep this job. At 37 I've learned: you can sacrifice everything and still lose a job, and then what did you do all that for? And you can NOT sacrifice and still keep a job. And realistically, I'm more likely to do a good job if I'm not in pain.

And, a job is just a job. Even in this economy, there are more jobs out there. I have to get rid of this pain.

There is some part of me that's also hoping that I will somehow get a break, for having medical issues; that they'll give me another year, even if they feel this year was less than stellar, because they think I might come through for them. But, if I were the boss, my decision would not be based on the medical stuff. I'd feel that I had seen enough of my performance to guess whether a 10% or 20% improvement post-surgery was likely, or would make a difference. So basically... yeah. Actually to even consider my stupid job in a medical decision is kind of dumb, isn't it.

Glad the power of those mythical saints has waned in my life.... even though they still whisper in my ears at times. I just have to bat them away like the lil vampires they are. (How's that for a mixed up metaphor).

Cuz you can never have too much Christmas Market

So let's see, the next day, which was yesterday, we putzed around the house, put up Christmas decorations, and then in the evening, we went to two Christmas markets and rode the Christmas streetcar! Woo-hoo! You know these guys (Germans) basically invented Christmas as we know it, so it's totally reasonable that it's just perfect here.

Loopy commented, of the Christmas Streetcar - "This is something they'd never do in the U.S. Let's see, decorate a streetcar for Christmas, serve alcohol inside, and charge the same amount as usual to ride it. Play some music." I suggested that this was because Americans didn't know how to drink reasonably. Loopy stated that it was because Americans don't know how to have fun.



Click through on the pix without us in them, and you can see more Christmas market photos etc etc. Yay!

whee!

so yesterday afternoon, after a snack, Petra and I decided to go for a walk. she said there was a nature preserve nearby and that there was supposed to be a small church-sponsored fest there, with free mulled wine.

we went to the nature preserve, but after some squelching around in the mud, which made us laugh a lot, we could find no church-fest or mulled wine. so then she suggested that maybe it had been moved inside. so, we went to the church, and sure enough, there were people milling around, and food. there seemed ot be some kind of Indonesian festival, with many Indonesian church members, and a caroling program about to start. We snuck in, ate a lot of Bavarian and Indonesian desserts, and ran away before the caroling program. We thought this was hilarious. (There was, however, no mulled wine).

We did however feel a little bad about leaving the others home alone without pastries of any kind, so we quickly turned our steps back to the house. But we found the house dark and everyone fast asleep. I tried to rouse wifey, to no avail... so Petra and I thought we'd go find some mulled wine. Somehow we ended up in the Christmas market. (About 20 minutes on the train, so the sort of 'oh how did that happen?' that we affected was, in fact, pure affectation).

THe Munich Christmas Market is one of my favorite places in the entire universe. I was so happy to be back there. There is some competition for both time and technology here, so I will cut this post short, but Petra and I got drunk on mulled wine, ate candied almonds and lebkuchen, and loved the heck out of the lights and presents. It was bliss.

To see some pix (since I didn't have camera last night and have to cut this short now), check out the official website for the Christmas market.

arrival in Munich

Arrived safely in Germany at the home of our dear friend Petra, her husband Michael, and their four cats (and an extremely elaborate fishtank that, we are told, is being carefully prepped and calibrated to house seahorses in the near future!). They've moved to a new house since we were here last (which was in 2001) so we got the grand tour, and then, as everyone had taken their shoes off but me, I showed myself around the garden.

It's not a large space, but because it's broken up by a summer room, two garages, and a greenhouse, there are all kinds of nooks and crannies. What a delight. I was unexpectedly flooded with memories. I spent quite a few summers in this region as a child, and coming from Arizona, those times were revelatory to me. It was not far from here that I first discovered strawberries hidden in the grass, nor was it far away that I first tasted raspberries I had just picked myself.

It's warmish and a light drizzle was falling, making the lichen stand out against tree trunks and the ubiquitous moss seem unbelievably lush and verdant. I could easily imagine the summer glory of the garden - the faded roses still cling to the brown canes, the large stand of raspberry brambles still has the remnants of last summer's fruit, and grape vines overrun the summer room (don't know what else to call it). Perhaps some of the pleasure simply comes from seeing green, after being thoroughly ensconced in Chicago's blizzardy weather for a while.

Travel is a pleasure. THe world is a pleasure. I am lucky indeed.

off

So we're heading off to Germany for the holidays, both to see our dearly beloved German friends and to avoid the ghosts of Christmas past.

Avoiding the past may or may not be the best way to deal with having your dad die during a particular year. I will certainly keep you posted on that - or more likely I won't since, as I mentioned, the goal is to avoid thinking about it. I have been straying from the path of meditation... it doesn't help that, in my mind, I've turned it into something to "stray from," and feel guilty about. We are warned about this when we start trying to practice meditation. "Pshaw!" I said gaily. "I find it uplifting and healing, not something rigid that I use to berate myself." Yeah.

Anyway, it's time to go to the airport, and I'm not done packing, which is why I'm blogging. Avoidance being the theme here, in case my amazingly subtle writing is not conveying that well enough.

I just wanted to point out that I have become addicted to Twitter, thanks to my beloved online buddy Goblinbox. To keep up with me on a moment-by-moment basis (because what could be better than that? a look inside birdfarm's brain! wow!), there are several options. You can

1. visit this page and read the Twitter updates at right, or
2. click the link at right to visit my Twitter home page, or
3. click this link to achieve the same effect.

Have a great holiday if I don't post again before then. But I probably will. I'll be on vacation after all. With Mom. :)

Loopy-Loopy dialogue: in which we become those two old guys from the muppet show

conversation, yesterday morning in bed:

me: What does "QT" stand for?
Loopy: huh?
me: You know, like "on the QT."
Loopy: What does that mean?
me: Like, hush-hush, a secret.
Loopy: You mean, "on the DL."
me: No, I know that one, but before there was DL there was QT.
Loopy: Well what does QT stand for?
me: That's what I'm asking you!

(fadeout amid laughter and tussling :) )

money & value: some observations

(no, not 'values,' just 'value')

Now that I have only $10 spending money a week, and "one of each" is usually not an option, I am figuring out what's really important to me. In terms of consumer goods anyway.

1. Ice cream. Bad ice cream is beyond unsatisfying... it's really depressing. To me anyway. It makes me want to cry.
2. Soap. Good soap is just so worth it... both for the smell and the feel, during and after the washing experience. It makes a shower feel that much more like an act of loving self-care. Fortunately, there are good soaps that aren't THAT much more expensive than shit soap.
3. Alcohol. I don't drink that often, but when I do, I want it to be good. Gooooooood.

Some more things I've figured out:
1. Cheap chocolate is more palatable when cut with a lot of other stuff. Peanut butter, peanuts, caramel, etc.
2. Cheap lotion smells less like motor oil when heavily scented.
3. It's kind of amazing how often a coupon still doesn't make an item cheaper than the store brand.

trying to relax the white-knuckle grip...

"If you're going to make every game a matter of life or death, you're going to have a lot of problems. For one thing, you'll be dead a lot."
---Dean Smith

depressed? watch this :)

i've officially lost it

i used to call my students "guys" or "hey!" last year. (as in, "hey! quit shoving! get in line!")

this year i've switched to "ladies and gentlemen," after noticing how much nicer it sounds when other teachers say it. it also makes the rest of the sentence come out nicer, as in, "ladies and gentlemen, please stop shoving each other and stand in line appropriately!"

(the Gary Larsen cartoon of the man talking to the dog, and all the dog hears is "blah blah blah Ginger," pops into my head, which leads me to the memory of the grown-ups on Charlie Brown cartoons and their indecipherable "mwah mwah" speech.... didn't take my ADD pills today, and i kinda forgot how i am without them - it's actually not all bad...)

ANYWAY.

i just accidentally started to address the dogs as "ladies and gentlemen" right before telling them to "get over here."

there went my last marble.

huh

"[P]eople accept and even reward men who get angry but view women who lose their temper as less competent."

Well, that explains a lot.

Anyone else?

the new economy, chez nous

During the boom years, the Loopy-Loopy household was "cheating" a little... no, not that kind of cheating. :) Financial cheating.

See, I was always taught that you're not supposed to sell anything that qualifies as capital—you're supposed to hoard capital and use the income that it generates. That's how you become a robber baron like my great-grandfather.

So, our investments were growing so fast that we could cheat... we would gradually sell off a small percentage of capital and use that for our living expenses, without stopping the overall growth of our total assets. Hence the extravagance for which we were known in years past.

Since the crash, our capital has shrunk like a certain feature of a gentleman who has stepped into frigid water. It's scary how small it is. So we suddenly have to live solely on income. We thought we might have to sell our house because we can't make the mortgage, but we made up a budget and we can just squeak by if we stick to the budget.

Suddenly, I'm living like a regular person.

Now, being a pessimistic apocalyptic sort, I had always anticipated this - actually, as friends can attest, I anticipate having to struggle for survival amid the blowing dust and massive ruins of post-civilization. So it's not a shock. But it is an adjustment.

Herewith a brief rundown of some of the adjustments...

Situation	Before	After
change of seasons; dogs shedding	call groomer; drop of scraggy dogs; pick up gorgeous dogs	lift dog onto table; hold violently struggling, howling dog while brushing; week of horrendous back pain. repeat.
horrendous back pain	acupuncture	hot baths, tiger balm... and who knew those things could really be used as massagers?
vet calls; dog needs blood test	"when can we come in?"	"Is it really necessary? We can't really afford that right now."
dog needs pills	"Ooh, lookit these cute lil pill pockets... eight bucks a bag but let's try 'em."	"Honey, don't use a whole slice of [generic pseudo-Velveeta] cheese, that's a waste - you only need a half slice."
Hungry	"I can't believe we've lived here over a year and never been to Topolobampo!"	"Guess what Lovey! I found a 2-for-1 coupon for Burger King in the Sunday paper! We can go out to eat!"
adorable tschotschke	"I don't really need it but it's so perfect I have to have it!"	"Pfft, that would take 4 weeks of my $10 entertainment budget, no way is that worth it!"
vacations	"I miss Japan. Do you want to go to Japan this summer, honey?"	"We can't afford to go to my sister's for Thanksgiving." "That's ok, we'll just stay home and have a lot of hot baths. It'll be relaxing."
shopping	Whole Foods	Costco
snackies	"Look, I found this new fair trade organic chocolate, flavored with lavender tips and the heart of the seed of the passion flower!"	Giant bag of Hershey's minis from Costco.
get your 5 daily servings of fruits and vegetables!	Frozen vegetables - steam in the bag, with sauce, and/or organic - 24 to 40 cents an ounce	Frozen vegetables - grown in a toxic waste dump by oppressed migrant laborers* - only 9 cents an ounce! ("Do we have a coupon for any of them?")
dry skin	Nature's Gate organic herbal skin therapy (hey, it was the cheapest of the organic ones!)	Vaseline intensive care "moisture locking" lotion. It even smells like motor oil, but it's only 5 cents an ounce when you buy the economy bottle.

*tip of the nib - er, keyboard? - to Alison Bechdel for this phrase

OK, so it's not as funny or dramatic as it was in my head. It's an adjustment, is all.... and for those of you who have always lived this way, please forgive me. I don't mean to rub anyone's face in anything. Just sharing my perspective.

the banality of evil

For my 666th post, I give you Cindy McCain. She deserves it. Read this deeply disturbing profile of her in the September 15th issue of the New Yorker. The most incriminating part, to me?

Cindy McCain regularly calls herself an only child. In fact, she has two half sisters: Kathleen Portalski and Dixie Burd...

"I feel bad about having a father that wasn’t there, and then having my face rubbed in this—having her stand up and say she’s an only child—makes it even worse," Kathleen Portalski told me.

The video played before Cindy’s speech at the Republican Convention declared that Cindy Lou Hensley "got all the attention of her father. . . . They were truly best friends."

[Meanwhile Cindy and Kathleen's father] Jim Hensley visited Kathleen on her birthday and on Christmas throughout her childhood, and took her shopping for school clothes....

Kathleen Portalski visited her father almost every day in the months before his death. When he died, Cindy McCain inherited the Hensley empire; Kathleen Portalski and her family received ten thousand dollars.....

When I asked Portalski if she had ever contacted her half sister, to discuss the situation, she began to cry and spoke angrily: "You think she’d give a flying fuck?"

Portalski said that she has not spoken to Cindy McCain since their father’s funeral [when] Portalski sat in the front row as McCain gave a eulogy from the lectern, where she spoke of her father’s generosity and kindness and referred to herself as his only child. (emphasis added)

The whole article makes her sound soulless to the point of psychopathy, but this bit was really the cherry on the sundae.

favorite words

some because i like the sound. some because i like the meaning. some because i just think it's cool that there's a word for that. i could sort them but why? instead... no particular order:

lithe firelight azure rhumba jasmine passion lingerie kiss silk pleasure pamplemousse decolletage plush luminous cinnamon sapphire marigold bluebell

terrace rove peruse stroll reverie luscious lascivious caress filch saffron plum willowy seduce Lenten rose moon cornflower celdadon pristine

celestial precious treasure sweet pea wisteria waves rivulet serenade wistful autumn amble allure droplet lily mahogany periwinkle fleur-de-lys tranquility

the world is so full of richness and beauty...

omg... omg.... omg!

Students at Spelman College celebrate moments after Obama's victory is declared.

everything's different.

we knew it would be, but. it really is. everything. everything! goosebumps.... head exploding...

I'm going down to the teacher store tomorrow and buy that set of portraits of the last 43 presidents. I never put them up in my classroom because it always irritated me to see so graphically portrayed the nature of power of this country. But tomorrow I'm gonna get them, just so I can put Obama's portrait at the end. Even if it all goes wrong and he's a terrible president... the world is a different place for my students now, a bigger place...

Congressman John Lewis, who was born to sharecroppers and led the way across that bridge in Selma on "Bloody Sunday" (read his full bio here -- he is on the right in the light-colored trench coat), said this on CNN:

It's unbelievable that we have come such a distance in such a short time... America is a different nation, a better nation. We're different people. We are a better people. We are prepared to lay down our dark past and look to a bright future. In spite of all our problems, we are prepared to come together and follow a man of hope, a man of vision, who can take us to a place where we recognize and respect the dignity and the worth of all our fellow citizens.

He also said,

"During the height of the Civil Rights Movement I never thought, I never dreamed, that I would live to see that an African-American would be president of the United States...We were just trying to bring down those signs that said 'white men,' 'colored men,' 'white women,' 'colored women'...."

"We have witnessed a transformation of American politics and it will have unbelievable influence on the politics of the world..."

We are all in shock... everyone I know seems to be texting and IMing each other "omg... omg... omg!" We all hoped and prayed... but we couldn't believe that it could really happen... We all expected disappointment.

But for once... we didn't get what we expected... we got more than we could dare to hope for. I have no doubt that there were all kinds of efforts to rig and fix this election, to suppress voter turnout and intimidate people away from the polls. Last week I made fun of Joel for praying about this election, since I know he's about as religious as I am. But this morning, thinking of all the nastiness that must be going on out there, all that they must be doing to try to steal this thing, my own prayers slipped out... "for once, for once, for once, let light be stronger than darkness."

And for once, they didn't succeed.

Somehow, we were bigger and better than that. For once! For once, we were bigger and better than all the fears and nastiness and suspicion and pettiness. For once we lived up to what we learned about in school... all those nice ideals that we learned to sneer at and secretly mourn.

There will be plenty of time for disillusionment and disappointment when we see what limitations there may be to what can be achieved in the real world. But still, everything, everything, everything is different. Everything!

amy ray

oh god we love amy ray.

went to her concert last night. it was soooooooooooooo amazing. amy ray herself seemed amazed and kept commenting, in apparent awe, that the audience was fantastic.

i wonder if she plays for a lot of people who basically just show up to see half the Indigo Girls, and don't really know or care about her solo career - maybe they don't even like the harder-edged, punk-inspired stuff she plays on her own.

well that doesn't describe last night's audience... a relatively small bunch at a relatively small but very cool venue... most, hard core fans, who screamed all the words to all the songs at the top of our lungs.

our beloved Amy loved it, and complimented the singing along repeatedly. and she responded so generously... she rocked out throughout the show, but then during the encore, she really let loose and just blew the roof off. she played an extended version of one of her songs, with solos by every band member, her own solo just so unbelievably stunningly intense and energy-filled and so fuckin sexy. it was mouth-watering and mind-blowing. i don't really know how to even describe it.

i danced, i sang, i waved my arms around, i did my own rocking out... with Loopy of course... we just had such a great time. i almost didn't go... but i'm so glad i did... i was so struck by the fact that we were in the presence of real musical genius, complete greatness - it was just incredible that all this music was coming out of this one woman.

her physical presence is amazing too. she dresses in loose, slightly masculine clothing (loose-ish belted pants, button-down shirt, tie) that i must admit is not in itself attractive... and she is sometimes almost awkward, almost always seems to be containing herself or holding back (which is why the final no-holds-barred-rock-out-solo last night was so amazing!) ..... but despite its subtlety, the way she moves is incredible... a study in contrasts... powerful pounding strength at times... sensual shivers and luscious little butch shimmies at other times... keeping in mind that family members read this, i still have to say that watching her, oh, you so want to get pounded by that amazing energy! and lavished with that luscious sensuality. her sexuality, gender identity, and physicality are all quite unique...

if you haven't ever checked out her solo stuff, i really do recommend it highly.

it was also a really fun time together... as you can see from the photo, Loopy and i just really enjoyed each other as well as the music. what a complete pleasure.

you buttered your bread, now lie in it

so, unfortunately, i seem to be sliding back into depression; just got my referral from my new doctor for a new shrink (grrrr i hate our healthcare system, new job means all new doctors, start all over, ugh) and i'm gonna get going on that. i feel like i'm sliding down the slippery slope kinda fast...

it's affecting my job... a parent who sat in on my class called me 'passive' today... i know he's right, i've gotten very passive, because i just feel so damn tired all the time... i no longer have the energy to dominate my students the way i need to (think dog trainer, not fetish night, people—jeez). (i'm reminded of my advice to a new teacher on the second or third day of school: "Imagine yourself occupying all the space in the room above the students' heads..." hey, it works for me, and it worked for her... you have to mentally loom over them...).

but i'm letting them fill the space...

lately i tend to sit at the front of the room and kinda whine at them... i feel too tired to get out of my chair... it's really quite ridiculous. a teacher's aide came in and subbed for one of the teachers who uses my room, and she had my class silent and working. she didn't have to yell at them constantly, just threaten them a couple times. contrast with the writing teacher, who has even less control than i do - when she yells at the students, they all laugh. i can see myself going that way - in fact my depression about my job started on tuesday when i watched her do that.

of course, the parent's comment gave me a nice kick further down the slippery slope, and had me bawling my eyes out this evening, thinking about quitting and just giving up altogether...

so, the title of the post refers to something my beloved college roommate, Amy aka Amerina, used to say, and i'm pretty sure it's a quote from her parents. (many of the most hilarious and perfectly-pitched aphorisms i've ever heard are quotes from Amy's parents).

the title of the post also refers to the fact that i have done some things lately that i don't care to discuss here, but things that have boomeranged and are helping to kick my ass down that slope... and my lovely, darling wifey has done nothing but be sweet and kind to me... when she has every right to say something like "you buttered your bread, now lie in it."

thank you, sweet darling wifey. i am nothing without you.

you know you want to vote the shit out of this bitch.

most of you have probably seen this, but if you haven't, do check it out...
hilarious fake Obama flyer. (lots o' profanity so if that offense you skip it :) ).

bbl if i can. :)

what a weekend

• Loopy went to a depressing wake on Saturday. (Thought I should specify depressing; some wakes are rumored to be fun, but this one was infested with socialists).
  
• We went to couples' counseling Saturday. (No, no, we're fine, there's just been a lot of water under the bridge since we last went, lots of stuff to talk about, between the tumor, the move, Loopy's career situation, my job from hell.... anyway, it's never a whole lot of fun).
  
• Saturday night my car got stolen out of our parking spot behind the building. They broke a window to get in, so even if it does get recovered, god knows. Further details:
  
  
  
  • Insurance prolly won't even cover the remaining payments. No money for a new car and unlikely to get a loan for one anyway, we are indebted to the max already.
    
  • Loopy's window was also broken. We hadda get it fixed this morning, which took up most of the day.
    
  • They went through Loopy's gym bag, rejecting her shampoo, suit, flippers, etc. and took her gym bag. That was the only thing missing from her car. wtf!?!?
    
  • The worst thing, aside from the main events: there was a key to her car, inside my car. So now we can't park her car back in the parking space next to mine. So it's in the garage nearby ($20/night, tyvm). Tomorrow we're making plans to leave it in an anonymous downtown location, on the street. "It's a car without a home..." Loopy says mournfully.
    
  • I can't drive Loopy's car because of my fuckin back. So we have to decide asap whether to re-key the locks, or sell it n somehow (somehow! see above under insurance, loan) get something I can drive, or whether i should use a zip car, or what. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and Loopy said, "just tell him you need to be able to drive the car that's paid off, end of story."
  
  
• Remember how we used to be all rich n shit, n throw money around, and travel and eat fancy food, and take everyone to Lombardino's? Yeah. That's over, thank you Wall Street. We are making a budget right this minute, as I'm blogging. It sucks. (I know, I know, this is how everyone else lives, stop complaining ya spoiled princess. It's just an adjustment, ok?)
  
• When we went to get the car from the garage this morning, we stopped off for coffee at our fave locally owned n operated coffee shop (we can't really afford it anymore but we treated ourselves in honor of the misery of the occasion). The person in front of us took the last of Loopy's favorite scones. Poor bunny. Like icing on the cake, except in reverse.

Would this all be funnier if I wrote in a tone of barely suppressed homicidal fury, like our beloved Mush? No, it's not the fury that makes her funny, she's just damn funny. I don't feel funny right now. Bleah.

OK, on the plus side, we bought a pumpkin pie (at $5, cheaper than making it) and cheap organic ice cream and had a lil feast this afternoon. That was nice.

Hmmm, here's a thought. Maybe if I went to bed instead of blogging at 1 in the morning, I wouldn't get so depressed. Ya think? :P

hair

i've never understood my hair.

why is it that i do the same thing to my hair (i.e., nothing) every day, yet some days it looks like i just came from the beauty parlor, while other days it looks like i've been in a wind tunnel or just cut my own hair in the mirror?

just curious.

sex and the...yawn... huh? what? oh right... city... sex and the city... a movie review

so yeah, after all that rambling around in memory lane.... memory hellhole? lol... anyway we were pretty cranky last night so we finally saw the Sex and the City movie... (serious plot spoilers ahead, if you care). we watched that show pretty often for a while, a couple years ago, then got sick of it. the women are always doing such stupid things.

i felt the same way about the movie. it was fun to see the girls again, but then they did such stupid things. like, when chris noth was coming back to get carrie, after his moment of doubt, why didn't they just talk for a few minutes and then go back to the wedding? why did she feel like she had to never speak to him again? how can anyone cut someone out of their life like both Carrie and Miranda did when they were mad at their guys? (women who date/marry other women don't usually do that, for those of you who aren't familiar with our mating habits... we tend to be friends for life with all our exes... there was a joke about "an army of ex-lovers cannot fail" (this is of course a spoof on the 1970's gay liberation slogan, "an army of lovers cannot fail," which in turn was a reference to the ancient Sacred Band of Thebes).

but i digress.

seriously though, how stupid is it to refuse to talk to the person you supposedly love best, when you are upset with them? i mean, who taught these women how to ... how to exist in the world?? where did they get these insane ideas?

(perhaps more to the point, how did i get similar insane ideas? ok, i never suffered from their particular delusion, but i did learn stupid things - like that i should not be honest about things that hurt or upset me, but instead keep quiet and pretend everything's ok, rather than 'rocking the boat'... so in a way i learned the opposite... *sigh* still trying to unlearn that one!)

i guess part of the movie's sort-of-point was that they should learn to be more forgiving, but it was no Philadelphia Story.

honestly i would rather have watched them work through things, struggle and grow together, instead of having childish tantrums, storm off, and six months later reunite in a golden glow.

anyway, it was a bit long - a half hour was already sometimes a bit much with the Carrie voiceover... feature length, ugh.

oh and did i mention the Black servant? yes. i kid you not. they finally introduce a character of color, and it's a Black maid. I mean, personal assistant with computer science degree. whatever. and she's a soul mama and she helps Carrie get in touch with her feelings. 1953, anyone???

i dunno, what do you think?

on the plus side the fashion was quite interesting and elegant... living anyplace but NYC it's hard to imagine that yes, there really are women who wear those clothes, all the time. not to mention those shoes.

it's been quite a weekend but i think i'll put some of that in another post...

more reflections/remembries/braindump

going through and reading the old emails, inserting them into the blog...

one thing i'm noticing is my sort of brave tone... i refer to (but don't talk much about) hard things in the emails. i remember that. it seems like a clean, clear lack of self-indulgence.

as i recall, it was kind of a necessity: i couldn't afford to wallow. each moment's challenge was all that that moment could hold and i had to just stay in the moment, deal with its challenges, and not think too much.

but one memory that's almost funny now, and was really quite almost-funny at the time: in an October 30 email, i wrote, "I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday (Sat) because the surgeon listed all the terrible things that could possibly go wrong and it was just a bit overwhelming..."

I know when that was - I was at the gym, doing my stretching exercises, when I became irrationally convinced that Loopy was going to die during surgery and I only had a few days left with her, and I better get back and be with her. I started to cry rivers, though I kept doing my stretches and finished my workout (keeping to one of the major tenets of that period: maintain adequate self-care).

so at one point during this soggy workout i was walking briskly down a small flight of stairs to refill my water bottle. up the stairs came a large group of prospective members taking a tour of the facilities. the tour guide was describing all the wonderful things they had at the gym, but the incongruous sight of me coming down the stairs with tears streaming down my face made the tour guide lose his train of thought and all the tour people fidget. (that is such a Madison thing, too - to be unnerved by any show of emotion. heh.)

Another memory, or elaboration on an email from the middle of the night between Nov. 1 and Nov. 2: i wrote that "there was an acute episode." A brisk and brave (?) way to brush past something really awful. (There's no obligation to read all this, I'm just hoping it will be kinda therapeutic for me).

I had slept at home (home home, out in our small town 25 miles from the city, 30 miles from the hospital). It seemed like a good thing to do, a self-care thing to do. But it wasn't at all.

I hated being so far from Loopy, not being able to help her, take care of her. People told me "the nurses will take good care of her" but they don't. That's why you stay with people who are in the hospital. Even good nurses can't do and see everything.

So in the mornings, she always used to wake up in terrible pain. The horrible pain would wrench her awake and though pain pills were administered immediately, it would take us an hour to get it back down. (Some nurse eventually got the hang of it and would give her a pain pill a half hour before she usually woke in agony, and we LOVED that nurse!)

However, the morning I wasn't there, the nurse who came to [Loopy] in her hour of need refused to give her her pain pills until she 'calmed down' and got a 'better attitude' if I remember the phrases accurately. (The nurse never actually apologized for that episode but later explained that she was accustomed to patients in 'neuro' who did not have the rationality to decide when they should have their pills).

For those of you who know Loopy, you can imagine the fury this provoked. She was screaming at the nurse and all hell was breaking loose... she was saved by a lovely man in pink scrubs who came in and calmed everyone and told the nurse to give her her pain pills. We love that man to this day... I still have his business card floating around my car for some reason... makes me happy.

So obviously I didn't spend another night away from her for... I think 17 days.

memories & records

heh, after i wrote so much reconstructing my memory of october 27, 2006, i found that the very next email (posted here) to family and friends was a (much less lugubrious) discussion of the same events. I didn't change the post below; mildly interesting to compare the two.

memories.... (sing along now...)

So it's coming up on the 2-year anniversary of Loopy's big surgery ordeal... i've been dreaming about it and feeling sad all week (there are a couple other reasons i've been feeling sad, but trying to stay on topic here... )

i went back to read old blog entries and realized a lot is missing because i started emailing everyone... so i'm slowly putting the emails into the blog. i'll post my today-thoughts here as i do this... no need to read this, it's really very internal and i'm sure none of you want to remember all that any more than i do, it's just i feel the need to kind of go through it and ... i don't know... purge it a little?

first entry updated... checking Loopy into the hospital.

i remember why we decided to go. her pain had been so awful for months and months. she had fallen on the concrete at the gym and almost not been able to get up again (see this post, under "that mean bad concrete came up and whapped me in the face!"). she had started using a cane (i still remember the weird horror of that, the doctor fitting the cane for her and helping her walk across the room with it, the way everything seemed to be going dark and awful and yet the fluorescent lights gleamed inexorably on and everyone was doing their best to be brave and positive and even funny when we could manage it...). (and that only the latest in a series of visits to the spine clinic, visits for medication, for tests, for getting special orthopaedic back braces...)

but that day, October 27, in the living room, she was trying to stand up and she was swaying, couldn't get her balance, almost fell over to one side and then the other and had to catch herself, and almost couldn't - almost went down right there in the living room, to maybe bang her head on something or hurt herself worse.

i felt so helpless. the pain had been intermittently unbearable - she would have episodes of almost crying (Loopy never cries) and begging me to do something, anything - i would make calls and demand that someone do something, anything. (it was this that finally got us that second MRI that showed the tumor).

that day the pain was worse than ever and now this swaying, falling. i felt totally helpless. i called everyone i could. "i can't keep her safe, she is going to fall, do you hear me, she is GOING TO FALL, and her pain is out of control. we need help. we can't do this anymore."

the consensus was, go to the hospital. check into the hospital. but there apparently was no way to do that except to go through the ER.

so we went to the ER. me in that state that had come to be so familiar that year. one foot in front of the other. ready to fight when needed, waiting in between, trying to rest my mind and body as much as i could. i remember parking the car somewhere illegal and thinking, 'tow it, i don't care, i'll deal with that later.' (they didn't; probably, cars parked haphazardly and illegally around the ER entrance is not an unusual phenomenon).

and we had to fight to get her checked in. even though we had talked to her primary care doctor, the spine specialist, the surgeon's nurse - we had talked to everyone and they had a bed for her upstairs. the ER nurses were on our side. but this stupid mean bitch doctor in the ER wouldn't fucking check her in. she kept saying, "what are they going to be able to do for her upstairs? there's nothing they can do." (and she was fucking mean too - no empathy, just annoyance and attitude, like how dare we waste an ER bed on her shift - and she had the most hideously ironic name - it meant "kindness goodness" in two languages).

we were there for hours. i see the time stamp on my email (telling people we were going) is 12:09. i think we left around 1 or 1:30, got to the hospital around 2 or 2:30, and didn't get upstairs til after dark for sure, and i think it was about 6:30 or 7. as time wore on the ER got busier and busier because it was Friday of Halloween weekend. (Halloween's a bfd in Madison, ugh).

i just remember doubting myself briefly, and then gathering courage from knowing that i could not, i absolutely could not, keep Loopy safe at home. i just kept repeating that to them. 'i cannot control her pain or keep her safe at home.' it felt like they sent all these forces against me and i just stood firm on that, and knowing that i would get her in there, i had to, there was no going back.

in the middle of this, beloved friend Shamus arrived with sandwiches, which we desperately needed at that point (i believe my sandwich got cried into). i can't remember how that went down - whether he called or just showed up - but i'm pretty sure it was all his idea. he was an immense support in one of the worst hours of my life. i wish we were still in better touch with him, but he's one of those friends you never lose, even if you're out of touch for a while...

Shamus's dad is a doctor and he encouraged me to put things in more lawsuit-friendly words, like, 'you will be responsible if i take her home and she falls and is injured.' and also to stand my ground. as i recall. that whole day is a weird combo of razor-sharp details and blurry misery. anyway. Shamus was a lifeline, a godsend. thank you Shamus. we still love you so much.

finally they checked her in and we ended up in the cardio ward because that was where a bed was available. they said they'd have a bed in neuro in a day or two (they did). i remember the infinite kindness of the nurse who did the intake. i am so grateful to her too. in those awful times, simple kindness is such a HUGE thing.

as i recited the litany of events and tests, landmarks on the 'how did we get here' path, which i had recited to each new doctor and knew well ('by June she was starting to feel numbness; in July she had a cortisone shot;' etc. - this had become my job, along with managing all the meds etc, since Loopy was too strung out on pain and morphine to be able to remember anything....) as i recited that familiar litany i remember how the nurse's kindness slowly eased my frazzled nerves and i calmed from anxious defense/offense posture ('she deserves to be here dammit!') and gratefully accepted their compassion and gentle help...

it was such a haven after everything we'd been through. finally i wasn't alone. finally we had trained professionals. finally there was some pain relief. Loopy still had horrendous symptoms and i don't even want to talk about all the ways we struggled through those days and the things i did to help her through. but it was better and i wasn't alone and we were safe there. she wasn't going to fall down. it was a haven and a relief......... it woudln't start to seem a prison for another month.

This post is already so long... but i do want to keep going through these old emails and posting some... keep the record accessible.... but i'll stop this post for now.

babies for 'bama

My students are SO EXCITED about the election. It is beyond expressing, how excited they are about having an African-American president (I have about 135 students and 132.5 of them are African-American). I had four classes of 13- and 14-year-olds falling over each other to ask questions about the electoral college! How often does that happen?

I had an electoral college map on the screen and they were struggling to understand it, and begging me to mouse over different states so they could see the percentages of support for Obama, how votes have gone in past elections, etc. (Here's the awesome website I use).(Note that I have an LED projector in my room - every teacher does! glory be to thee, well-funded charter school).

Did I mention... they are SO excited!

So I enjoyed seeing some photos showing the same excitement among other African-American children.





And also found this photo of an elderly supporter, who had hand-carved a walking stick he gave to Obama...



The emotion Obama evokes is amazing. Yet I think especially older people don't quite allow themselves to believe he could win. Hell, I don't allow myself to believe he could win (especially in light of disturbing reports of Republican efforts to prevent Democrats and especially African-Americans and Latinos from voting). If he doesn't, we'll all swallow our disappointment more easily, for having never really quite believed.

But what about my students? Loopy said, "If he loses, they're gonna need counseling." I don't think she's entirely wrong. I hope that people at school realize how serious a blow it will be to the kids. I wish I could shield them from it somehow.

Heh. See how much I don't allow myself to believe? What is that about anyway?

Songs about Obama: Watch/listen now!!!

You have to check these out. I understand there are a ton of Obama songs; I've really enjoyed these. People's excitement about this campaign is just mind-boggling.

Zydeco

"Oui, on peut..." Yes we can, in Cajun French! Sweet and touching, with people dancing in a Cajun bar, looking happy and hopeful. Great line: "Barack Obama, he's the man"

Reggae

A serious earworm but still a very enjoyable song. The lyrics are great.

Mariachi

Para un cambio, vamos todos unidos, con nuestro gran amigo...
As with the other two, I just marvel at people's hope and excitement about this.


Here are a couple more...
Reggaeton: Como se dice, como se llama, Obama, Obama...

Rap: "Hail to the Chief" with a beat box, I love it.

Speech plus music: by will.i.am.... the artist put the "Yes We Can" speech to music. I'm not sure if it's an improvement or not, but this is really a classic speech and always a pleasure to hear it again.

Google "Obama song youtube" and see what you come up with!

electoral vote counter icon thingy

This website is cool. The icon is cool. I like. :) Except it's too hard to figure out what "EV" stands for (electoral votes).



My students are absolutely beside themselves with excitement about the campaign. Obama t-shirts are everywhere on the street on South Side Chicago. I don't know what they'll do if Obama loses. I am not confident of the win yet... quite convinced of the Bradley effect. :P

What do you think?

I'm not sick of talking about it, though. We watch CNN and MSNBC pretty much 24/7. You?

lotta catching up...

so remember the job interview i went to at the end of June? well, at the end of July they suddenly called and offered me the job! needless to say i took it as fast as i could dial the phone.

so now i'm working at a charter school (no union, so i can't hold my head up among socialists anymore, but as they're all still campaigning for fuckin Nader (!!!), i don't really care to).

it's actually humane, and there is even some human dignity allowed to exist. the teachers are not cruel to the students. the principal is not cruel to the teachers - in fact he is wise, strong, kind, very mellow, extremely supportive, and basically unflappable. i'm teaching social studies to 7th and 8th graders; i have a totally awesome schedule, where i see only one grade per day - 8th on Mondays and Thursdays, 7th on Tuesdays and Fridays, and they alternate Wednesdays (so one wednesday is 7th, the next is 8th). so every day i only have to worry about preparing for one class. It's really great. the kids are not easy, but they are nowhere near as angry and defensive as my students last year. when they all come pouring out of the school you just feel like, this is what a school is supposed to be like - instead of trying to break up ten different fights in the first ten minutes. the parents are not necessarily economically better off than the parents at my old school, but they do seem much more stable in their lives. Overall - a very interesting experience.

Just recently I've started to feel like maybe I could think about getting my life back a little... posting on Flickr, blogging, etc. - the way things were before Loopy got sick, we moved to Chicago, etc. It's an amazing thought. Not live every day in total stress, fear, panic, and despair? Is it possible???

Hope you are all doing ok. I'll try to be in better touch with everyone soon... :)

wow, Michelle...

it struck me forcefully that i have never seen a multiracial crowd of 50,000 people (ref) listen with rapt attention to the words of a Black woman. never.

maybe there's a Black woman preacher somewhere (here are Ebony's top 15) who has commanded an audience like this, but i haven't seen it and neither have most people in this country, i'd bet.

every time they cut to the crowd it was almost a shock to see the faces of all these white people LISTENING to a Black woman.

when Carol Moseley Brown ran for president, nobody listened to her - I remember watching her in the early debates - she would say something intelligent, and there was no response; a minute later, some now-forgotten white guy would say the same thing, to thunderous applause. this pretty much mirrors every discussion section, every staff meeting, every political group i've ever been in. i used to take joy in making the point, in those settings, "you know, x just said that a few minutes ago," and enjoy the startled looks on people's faces as much as x's obvious satisfaction.

but nobody had to point out that Michelle was speaking, had spoken, or what she said, because everybody was listening. REALLY listening.

i think about my students. they won't have noticed this. but they'll grow up in a world where 50,000 people, including some of the biggest political big shots in the nation and the world, have hung on a Black woman's words for - was it really only 15 minutes?

excuse me while i wax ecstatic.

DNC convention website

Of course, all this doesn't matter one whit to those who are so intent on portraying her as somehow a cross between Ivana Trump and Angela Davis... read this blog:
http://michellemalkin.com/2008/08/25/exclusive-advance-text-of-michelle-obamas-speech/
(copy-paste so i don't show up in her trackbacks! yikes!)

The scary thing is how stupid so many of her commenters are...

silly dogs, installment #3,294,786

So there is a pair of mulberry trees across the street, which, it turns out, produce actual mulberries, and scatter them all over the sidewalk. (I would like to see them produce silkworms, but I guess that's too much to ask).

We were worried about our 14-year-old husky's arthritis because whenever we went out for a walk, he would slow down dramatically after crossing the street.

But Loopy figured it out first: he doesn't like to step on the mulberries.

If you want to laugh really, really hard, try watching an elderly blind dog try to pick his way among mulberries. He can't quite see them, but he's looking as hard as he can, and he literally walks on tiptoes trying not to step on any.

Awww, bunny, do they feel all squishy and gross?

Hahahahaha.

happy day

Loopy n i been spending too much time in the house stressing out, n we started fighting... (can you see the degeneration of my grammar before your very eyes? between texting, IM'ing, and spending all day every day in a classroom full of children speaking non-standard English...yeah).

Our New York trip got canceled somewhere in a fit of pique... it was probably a good decision but not made the best possible way...

So today we just took the day and spent it together - out of the house. We took the bus...I at least felt both virtuous and less insulated from the world... I love walking in the city. We went to Best Buy, the hardware store, ate gelato and belgian waffles, had a pedicure and a yummy Chinese dinner, then caught War, Inc.. It was just really pleasant to be out of the house in the sunshine, and to just be together...

The movie was much more entertaining than I had expected from the reviews. Don't expect too much from it and you won't be disappointed. It is not an incisive documentary on the Middle East - doesn't go anywhere near as far as Syriana toward trying to actually explain anything at all complex. (jesus, was it really 3 years ago that we went to Syriana with Shamus and Ang? time sure does fly... )

It's definitely more occupied with broad satire than any kind of subtlety. Has only a couple of simple points to make (war is all about corporate interests, i.e., war profiteers; all the talk of freedom and democracy is a cynical fabrication...) and it hammers them home repeatedly. But the satire, however broad, had me laughing quite a bit. There were a couple of times when Loopy and I were laughing and saying at the same time, "this is so wrong... this is so wrong..." because the jokes did get pretty sick.

It also was remarkably similar to Grosse Pointe Blank, which maybe nobody remembers but me because it's one of my all-time favorite movies. Cusack stabs a guy in the side of the head with a wine uncorking thingy instead of stabbing a guy in the neck with a ball point pen, but the female reaction is pretty much identical.

Overall I'd recommend it but you probably do have to be in the mood.

On the job front I decided to try to go into special ed. If I can get emergency certified this summer I should be able to get a job for the fall, no problem. Now that I've made the decision it seems so obvious and I'm getting excited about it, but it remains to be seen whether I can complete the online courses fast enough, etc etc. We'll see. I'm also gonna apply in the suburbs. Accept defeat gracefully.

That's all for now....

two movies & an update

Just got back from seeing Hancock, which was really quite a entertaining. Partway through, the tired old plot of "those Black guys with the chip on their shoulder just need a lil love n understanding" gives way to something quite a bit more interesting. Loopy saw the plot twist coming, but I had no idea. See if you can predict it!

Couple days ago we saw the new Indiana Jones. Always good for a bit of fun, of course, but the plot was one of the worst yet - of course, there's no reason to think too carefully about the plot. The human-interest aspect presents a very thorny problem and wraps it up far too quickly, neatly, and easily, but hey. With Lucas on board it could have been much, much worse.

In between I've been working pretty hard on the job search, actually... kinda proud of myself even though there's always more I coulda been doing... decided to take a class that would (I think) qualify me for emergency special-ed certification, which would pretty much guarantee me something in the fall. I'm thinking of aiming for either a suburban (easier) classroom and if that fails, taking a special ed position anywhere. I have always done better working with one student or a small group anyway, and that's where special ed teachers work in CPS, which is great, really.... more and more it feels like the natural next direction. After you get the emergency certification you have a couple years to finish the rest of the coursework...

We'll see what happens.

comprehensive update...

Loopy and i had a fabulous, spectacular, delicious, delightful vacation in Mexico... i am going thru the photos and when I have some on Flickr i'll blog about it too...

but for now, back to real life: while procrastinating on aspects of the job search, i wrote two long, rambling emails to a new friend... may be info you already know, since the only people still checking out this blog are old friends :) and thank you for that :) :) ... hell, it may be too long for anyone to slog through... no obligation... god knows i've fallen far, far behind on reading anyone else's blogs! i'll try to post something light, cute and witty soon...

but anyway since it was a fairly comprehensive (as the title says) update on my life recently, I thought it would be good to reprint them here...

#1: Indecision ...
i don't know about my interview [yesterday]... staying up most of the night before it was not good... also not good that i had not been taking my ADD meds... i was scattered, talked too fast, didn't connect with the interviewers, got sidetracked without finishing answering their questions... and i felt that i came across way too harvard, and not enough southside-Chicago. i didn't fit.

still haven't finished the [21-page online] application... screwing around, procrastinating... one thing that's interfering is mixed feelings about the whole thing... i don't want to have another hellish year like last year, and it's hard to go all-out to get a job when i'm afraid that it's just going to be more of the same. it's hard, too, that in the whole process, i have to present myself as a successful teacher when i feel that i failed a lot... not sure what to do...

i know i still want to teach, it's all i want to do... it's exciting, it's interesting, it engages my whole being in the most fascinating problem-solving exercises imaginable... and it can be very rewarding... you mentioned yesterday how you enjoy reading professional journals etc. - that's how i feel about teaching - i never felt that way about web development! i always want to learn more, get better... i'm tired after this year, but still, in spite of everything, when i get discouraged, i just recall the faces of my students, the few moments of success that made them light up.... and past students... finding their own strengths and discovering that they are smarter than they thought.....

so i know i will teach, but there are a lot of options about how to do that, and i'm not sure which direction to pursue.... *sigh* work always has its challenges but it should not have to be such hell.

* * * * *

email #2 - a lot of stuff you probably already know lol

i used to be a much more driven person, but have in recent years been seeking more balance... tried to stop punishing myself with work... i have a younger friend who's still driven, never sleeps, always taking classes and getting higher and higher levels of certification... i can't think that that is what human life is supposed to be... having a goal (like the cum laude diploma :) ) is a good thing, but how much is good/appropriate to sacrifice for the goal, and when does it start to just shorten your life and make it more miserable? i guess we all weigh those things..

yes, i was a corporate exec in web development....almost by accident... i was just in the right place at the right time... i was a print graphic designer when the internet appeared in the business world, so we were just naturally expected to do the web design too, so i taught myself, and then for a brief time, 1-2 years' web experience was all ANYONE had, and i shot up the career ladder far above my actual capacity lol. i was basically a project manager - it was a good niche for me because i was science-geeky enuf (i did learn basic and pascal a million years ago - like, 1984, 1985! - and i understand databases, and i can often figure out web app coding and tinker with it if someone else has written it...) so yes i was geeky enuf to talk to the programmers and understand the possibilities and limitations they would explain to me (that was my favorite part! helping to plan the functionality and architecture without actually having to do the coding! lol), ........AND i was also business-savvy enough to understand what the bosses wanted and even anticipate their needs, so i could translate between geek and boss and help bring their ideas together to create something better than either one of them had imagined ... then my own strongest skills were in design, just for icing on the cake.

Only problem: my ADD was not yet medicated so i was a terrible manager. Couldn't manage time, people, the pieces of a project - couldn't keep it all in my head, couldn't prioritize, couldn't organize. (Looking back, I should have been some kind of communications liaison rather than a manager). Once i got medicated (several years after i got out of that business) I was very angry and bitter for a couple months, about all the ways I had failed, that wouldn't have happened if I had just had those little pills earlier! (I went through that again at the end of this year, because in like March or April I finally got into the medical system here and the doctor increased my ADD meds and my antidepressants, and I got so much more productive and positive and energetic... again, wish I'd had that at the beginning of the year, instead of spending months where i just barely got out of bed...)

After a while I stopped being bitter, because my own failures and struggles *do* give me a *huge* amount of insight and empathy when I work with struggling students... I know they are not just failing on purpose to annoy me, even though they try to act like they are (because who wouldn't rather be "bad" than "stupid"?)... They would succeed if they could. So it helps me commit to finding out how to help them, find out their obstacle, help them learn to overcome it... then they just go, full speed ahead, shining...

So, while I don't believe in fate, if I did, I might think it was meant to happen that way.... a statement more in line with my worldview would be, "Every step you take is on the path." This has just been my path. This is how it happened for me. This is life. Life is hard, for everyone. This is what I have to work with.

So I do try to accept it all, and I think I do mostly, but, as I try to get going in the teaching field, I am also fighting the psychological effects of many years of pre-medication failure... I am fighting hard not to conclude that I can't do anything. I feel cynicism and giving-up creeping up on me and I have to fight it off continuously. The only reason I can keep fighting it is that I think, if I lose hope, what point is there to life? (Although Buddhism counsels us to release both hope and fear, because they are the same........ I need to think about that some more and how it applies). And I struggle to figure out whether and how to accept and work within my limitations, and whether and how to keep fighting those limitations and trying to overcome them...

* * * * * * *

and i say again... i'll try to post something light and witty soon...

wow. depressing.

it's over. i made it. i survived. i'm still standing at the end. that counts for something, i'm fairly certain.

i had a little "you could do so much better, i believe in you, do your best and you can achieve great things" talk with each of my students, gave them their report cards, and released them - bubbling and effervescing - into the summer air. in my memory they sort of disappear into the sunlight as they walk out the door...

i wish i had remembered to say, "i wish you all the best, and i'll never forget you" to more of them. but i know it doesn't matter. regardless of what i might have wanted to say to these kids, i've already communicated what they will most remember from me, in a million ways... from just showing up every day, to all the times i told them how smart they are, to the not-a-lot-but-still-too-many times i screamed "what is wrong with you!!??"

we suffered through a looooong year together. we made each other feel angry, powerless, frustrated, miserable, hopeless and sad. on a very few occasions we felt other things... a sense of accomplishment, achievement, hope. very few. i should have provided more of those for them. i should have done a lot of things. let it go.

but it's hard to let it go... i spent much of the last week telling myself, "let it go, it's over" about one thing and another. "it's over." it's over and i have definitely not triumphed, though i am still standing.

today cleaning my room i swept stacks and files and piles of their work into big garbage bags... their hopeful, determined, eager, reluctant, agonized work... my sweet children... just children... i wish so many things about the past and future for them. it was my work, too, going into the garbage bags. i love them. i mourn them. i wish, i wish, i wish.

i came home and went to sleep. i don't want to wake up. wake up into another hard time, a differently hard time, a familiar unpleasantness. the summer stretches ahead. i have to find a job, unpack my office (never unpacked since we moved in last year...), do my share around the house, and not get too depressed. Loopy is depressed and the house is like a cave, a den, a refuge, a pit. it's seductive and miserable to just stay here in the dark all day, shades pulled, eating unhealthy food and sleeping a lot. i want to do that. i fear and loathe the idea.

i'm glad i have therapy tomorrow.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Post Script:

90 minutes and a good cry later, there is hope for the patient. Therapy and meditation must finally be sinking in (even though I haven't meditated in months)... while crying on Loopy's lap i remembered that how i feel now is just how i feel, and it doesn't mean that the whole summer really will be miserable or that i really did fail to do anything useful this year. i remembered to just feel how i feel and try to refrain from all the fantasies about the past and future and how awful it all is.

strangely this seemed to work. the feelings passed like a quick storm and i feel raw, unstable, but less depressed... as i passed through the kitchen i was moved to make myself a quick meal, a simple self-care gesture that i haven't made in days. somehow i even brewed myself a cup of tea.

As i said, there is hope for the patient.

summer is alllllllmost here...

on the one hand, i am really looking forward to not getting up early to get into ridiculous arguments with 10-year-olds all day. i am looking forward to warmth and skimpy clothes (on me and other people), lazy days, reading for pleasure, enjoying all that chicago has to offer...

on the other hand, i am not looking forward to saying goodbye forever to those 10-year-olds, some of whom i really adore, nor to losing the excuse "oh honey, i've worked so hard all week, would you mind doing the dishes again?" and most of all, not looking forward to the job search.

I think my new anti-depressants are working... I feel less angry at my students and we are all nicer to each other..... Also i seem to have stopped counting the days til the end of school.... But I still don' wanna go to work in the morning!!

two funny mistakes

1. This afternoon a child brought me a piece of cake from another teacher. I was screaming at my students as usual and they were tearing the room apart as usual. In the middle of this I thought...I'm just gonna eat this damn cake. So I did. Unfortunately the principal happened by at that moment and thought she saw Nero fiddling while Rome burned (tho really, "Rome" is already in ruins and Nero might as well be Bobo (the clown)... So I got chewed out but didn't cry... The whole thing was really quite funny and while I was getting chewed out the two vice principals were trying not to laugh.
2. After all that I got out to Loopy's car, which I've been borrowing lately cuz I wrecked my own, and saw that I'd forgotten to remove the magnetic bumper sticker that reads, "if you're gonna ride my ass at least pull my hair." sigh.

48

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hysterical ineffective

we are watching "The Dog Whisperer." a surprisingly large number of people have recommended that i watch it to help me be better with my students, or have talked about other animal training shows or their own personal experiences with animals.

this may seem demeaning to the children, but it isn't about them being poor and Black, it is about some kind of basic instinctive human interaction, something that seems to be shared by other social animals. the rich white kids i've taught in the past were quieter—MUCH quieter, lol—but they didn't listen or obey me either. they didn't FEEL that i was in charge.

lol.. the dog whisperer just said, "You can be graduate from Harvard, that doesn't mean you can walk a dog."

the dog whisperer talks a lot about "calm assertive." i started crying and whined to Loopy about not being able to muster "calm assertive." i thought of the state of screaming insanity that i'm in all day and said "all i seem to come up with is 'hysterical ineffective.'" then i started laughing and decided to blog.

i have tried hard to have that alpha-dog voice. when i tell them to sit down and be quiet, i say it like i mean it now. but i have no way to back it up, ever since they decided i can't communicate with parents. :P

but.... i have to be honest... the people who get the kids to obey, it's not because they threaten to call home—it's because they "claim the space" and establish dominance, in the language of the dog whisperer. the kids just know they have to obey.

hysterical ineffective poster child: a couple of days ago, i had them all line up at the door to go home. they were all messing around and out of control. i was trying to talk with the first two that started hitting each other, when suddenly somehow they all started hitting each other. all of them! i snapped. i flung the classroom door open, and pointing out into the hallway, shouted at the top of my lungs, "GET OUT! GET OUT!!!" i was so loud that another teacher actually came out her door to be sure that everything was ok.

the students, of course, although they registered slight surprise at my actions, quickly decided that this was still business as usual and tumbled out into the hallway in a mob, talking, laughing, and disorderly. *rolling my eyes*

sigh.

goblinbox points out that i sound like i'm saying "please just tell me i can't do it," in the letter toward my old professor. i don't know if i can or not. i want to try again, but i have taken hardly any steps toward job hunting.

in other news, i did find a promising new therapist, whom i'll call dr. g. she is much smarter than the woman i've been seeing (ms. L just for now). there's also some kind of power struggle i get into with therapists, on the level that the dog whisperer talks about... and ms.L isn't reacting well to it. i'm not clear on how it works or what i do, but i can see her getting defensive and digging in her heels in a power-struggly way, feeling like she has to assert herself somehow. that just makes me dig in. it's not working.

in still other news, i have caved to the two-party system. i signed up to phone bank for Obama next weekend. this after talking with a friend who has been living in Jerusalem for seven years, who told me that Obama was the only US elected official who had spent more than a few hours in the West Bank and Gaza—and he spent a week there! To some extent, I don't even care what his exact policy conclusions are—the fact that he was curious about what is really going on, that he wanted to see for himself—that already raises my respect for him a tremendous amount.

well, i'm distracted and half watching tv so this post is boring. more soon...

oh and... 51 days to go. that's less than a pack of cards.

56 days to go

i can make it through 56 days... right??? 266 hours... that's not really a lot... it sounds like a lot but it really isn't.......

spring break started with my dad's memorial service. it was actually really, really nice. i cried a lot. i don't feel like writing more about it now...

as spring break draws to a close, i do feel that i have had a proper vacation... a lovely luxurious break... with a lot of friends, sleeping, some sex...not enough good food but, oh well, ya can't have everything.

we also accomplished exactly one useful thing: we got our curtains hung... well we paid someone to do the drilling part (which was actually a good thing, because the windows are all at different heights and it was kinda complicated and he had a cool laser-sight thingamajig that made the curtain rods all even)... but i hung the curtains and made the swag look nice... or as nice as it can...



it's not as schmantzy as it looks in the photo.

is it?

as usual on a vacation or a weekend, it was partly ruined by massive anxiety. this was only exacerbated by my new therapist who made me draw a picture of how it would look if i was being efficient and effective.... then i had to talk about why i always made choices to take me farther away from that... so then i spent several days feeling like a big stupid shit for making all those bad choices, and berating myself... then i finally clued in that whatever good thing she was trying to do, it had just locked me into a 3-day anxiety attack...then i decided that (1) i need more drugs and (2) i need a different new therapist....

that sounds stupid now that i typed it out...

but given that i spend most of my time in a state of mild to extreme panic attack... ya think maybe i need more drugs? ya think maybe it's time to stop telling myself that i just need to "buckle down," or "get it together?"

i'm reminded of one of my students... two weeks before spring break my poor students had to take the mean nasty cruel evil standardized tests that make them feel like shit. as i passed one of my kids with the lowest reading level—just before she burst into tears—i heard her saying to herself, "keep it together girl!" god, it's heartbreaking.

point is, there was no way she was gonna read that stupid shit on that test, whether she "kept it together" or not. and telling myself to "buckle down" and "get it together" is not gonna make me stop having anxiety attacks and "make better choices."

i read this to Loopy and asked her if it sounded self-indulgent or self-pitying. "realistic," was her verdict.

in other news, one of our dogs has also started having anxiety attacks. she spends every night pacing, whining, shivering, drooling, and scratching at things, until i shut her in her crate (which is bad because she doesn't have water in there). i give her tranquilizers but it doesn't seem to help.

so tonight i gave her two tranquilizers up front before she started freaking out. now she's stoned...stumbling and weaving. it's awesome. we're gonna try to go to bed before she sobers up.

maybe i should have her draw a picture about how her life would be better if she weren't so anxious.

either that or maybe i should take some of the doggie tranqulizers. hm.

less poetic ... assessment of where i am now

I wrote to a professor from my school of education who knew me really well - warts and all, as they say. Trying to figure out what to do next.... I know she knows the field of education well. It was useful to kind of assess the situation... here is what I wrote to her.

Dear Dr. ______,

I don't know if you remember me, and in any case your obligations toward me are long since discharged, so I'm not sure if you will be willing and/or able to answer the questions I want to pose to you. If not, I understand - more than that, I think it is likely you won't have time to even read this email, and that is completely reasonable.

Nonetheless I am proceeding to pose these questions, under the assumption that, as the saying goes, "it can't hurt to ask."

This year I have been teaching fifth grade (self-contained class, all subjects including math and science) in a very high-need, low-income neighborhood in Chicago. Although I would have preferred to teach social studies, it was the demographic I had sought.

I was really terrible. I couldn't control the students; I was rarely prepared for class; I fulfilled few of my other school obligations. Everyone was disappointed in me. Friday I was informed that I am not being re-hired for the fall - no surprise at all. I'm very discouraged.

I need some perspective here. I need to decide whether to try again in the classroom or seek some other role in education.

You knew my strengths and weaknesses as well as anyone - and you know the field. If you still remember me, and have time, I would greatly appreciate your insight.

On paper I'm extraordinarily qualified - the [university I attended] program really was spectacular (as has become even clearer from hearing about other teachers' inadequate training!) and of course there's the Harvard thing, all the travel, the languages. I know as much about world history, geography, sociology, comparative government, etc. as anyone without a relevant PhD, and I have a deep knowledge of fundamental concepts and schemata in social studies. I'm good at curriculum design (under certain circumstances). I'm a good writer and teacher of writing. I'm a good collaborator and team player (in fact I work best when team teaching - that tends to balance out my weaknesses). I'm deeply empathetic and caring with students. I understand how learning works. I understand various disabilities and how to work with them. I'm good with parents. Of course I have more to learn in all these areas, but it's a good start.

But in practice I choke. I'm late, I'm bad with deadlines, I'm disorganized. Students don't respect or obey me. Worst of all, student work accumulates in ungraded piles - students never receive the feedback they need in order to learn and improve. It's absolutely wrong.

I have spent years and years taking medication and doing therapy to try to "fix" my disabilities - ADD and a serious anxiety disorder - so that I could be effective. I have gotten much better.

But it isn't good enough. I still spend hours every week immobilized by anxiety, and when I'm able to move, I have so much trouble organizing my thoughts that I rarely work efficiently. Some weeks I have worked 16, 17, 18 hours every day and still did only about 50% of what I needed to do. Then I was exhausted and mean to the students.

I need to decide: should I try again in the classroom, hoping that under different circumstances I could do better?

I did have some pretty challenging circumstances this year: (1) I was teaching an age I don't know well, and subjects that I had never been trained to teach; (2) my students are all far below grade level, and 100% are emotionally traumatized, learning disabled, or both; I receive no effective support from special ed personnel; (3) my principal is stupid, tyrannical, paranoid, and cruel; and (4) material resources are extremely scarce. Oh, and (5) it was my first year.

Nonetheless, it is inescapable that classroom teaching requires strengths in places where I have serious deficits.

Maybe I should stop fighting those deficits and accept that some disabilities really do make some jobs impossible. A person in a wheelchair will never be a firefighter.

If I were to leave the classroom, what could I do? How could I put my strengths to use? I still want to work in education, and I want to work directly with students if possible. What kind of position would capitalize on my strengths and not challenge me so much in so many different areas of weakness? Should I try special education? I really don't know what's out there - what the possibilities are. I don't know what kind of jobs exist in the field.

I would value your opinion on my personal next steps, but if you don't have time for that, I would be so grateful if you could just direct me to some source of information that can assist me in learning about the range of possible careers in education.

-=-=-=-=-

I finished the letter with additional expressions of appreciation etc.

So that's where I am.

Remember that scene in The Matrix where they're in this undefined white space? That's how I feel. Limbo I guess.

In meditation they're always trying to teach you to be comfortable with uncertainty. I am pretty comfortable with it at this point..... no, I'm not. I'm just used to it. But it still exhausts me.