ugh....

We interrupt this fun and cheery travelogue for a medical update. A week before vacation I started a 10-day steroid blast that was hopefully going to cure my miserable back pain, at least for like six months or so. I had to lie in bed all weekend and whined and complained a lot on Twitter, so those of you who've been following me there will doubtless remember the event.

I don't know if I twittered as much about how much the symptoms improved, especially around the sixth or seventh day. The last day of school, I think I twittered about how I had overslept, but I'm not sure I got a chance to note that a few hours later, it occurred to me that it was really cool that I'd been able to oversleep - usually the pain wakes me up if the alarm clock doesn't. Anyway, by the time we had to get on the plane I had no pain at all. It was awesome!!

So the steroid blast ended a day or so ago. The pain is back full force. Pretty constant. Often intense.

I don't think I can wait til spring break for the surgery. The few days without pain really showed me how much the pain takes away from my life. The pain makes me cranky and short-tempered with students; it interferes with my concentration and focus; it makes me dull and plodding - it has me just looking at what I have to do to get through the day, instead of dreaming and planning and creating. It has me coming home and going to sleep instead of even trying to interact with my wife or do anything for school. It's like a cloud in front of my vision and cobwebs in my brain. I didn't really realize all the ways it was affecting me til it was gone.

Maybe if I were a saint I could carry on without any impact, like some woman my mother was just describing over Christmas dinner, but I kinda bet the saints either don't have a lot of pain or have some kind of impact that we don't see.

I'm pissed right now that I chose not to go to a concert of Bach in an old church on Christmas Eve because of the damn pain. It wasn't a question of "should I just endure it to enjoy the concert." I couldn't endure it. Those mythical "saints" may cluck their tongues all they like. I know what I can stand.

So next when I get back, is more medical crap, an MRI etc. More appointments; more days off school. And hopefully soon enough the surgery.

Should I grin and bear it, wait til spring or even summer break for the surgery? Ten years ago I might have said yes, I should sacrifice months of pain to be sure I do good work and keep this job. At 37 I've learned: you can sacrifice everything and still lose a job, and then what did you do all that for? And you can NOT sacrifice and still keep a job. And realistically, I'm more likely to do a good job if I'm not in pain.

And, a job is just a job. Even in this economy, there are more jobs out there. I have to get rid of this pain.

There is some part of me that's also hoping that I will somehow get a break, for having medical issues; that they'll give me another year, even if they feel this year was less than stellar, because they think I might come through for them. But, if I were the boss, my decision would not be based on the medical stuff. I'd feel that I had seen enough of my performance to guess whether a 10% or 20% improvement post-surgery was likely, or would make a difference. So basically... yeah. Actually to even consider my stupid job in a medical decision is kind of dumb, isn't it.

Glad the power of those mythical saints has waned in my life.... even though they still whisper in my ears at times. I just have to bat them away like the lil vampires they are. (How's that for a mixed up metaphor).