comprehensive update...

Loopy and i had a fabulous, spectacular, delicious, delightful vacation in Mexico... i am going thru the photos and when I have some on Flickr i'll blog about it too...

but for now, back to real life: while procrastinating on aspects of the job search, i wrote two long, rambling emails to a new friend... may be info you already know, since the only people still checking out this blog are old friends :) and thank you for that :) :) ... hell, it may be too long for anyone to slog through... no obligation... god knows i've fallen far, far behind on reading anyone else's blogs! i'll try to post something light, cute and witty soon...

but anyway since it was a fairly comprehensive (as the title says) update on my life recently, I thought it would be good to reprint them here...

#1: Indecision ...
i don't know about my interview [yesterday]... staying up most of the night before it was not good... also not good that i had not been taking my ADD meds... i was scattered, talked too fast, didn't connect with the interviewers, got sidetracked without finishing answering their questions... and i felt that i came across way too harvard, and not enough southside-Chicago. i didn't fit.

still haven't finished the [21-page online] application... screwing around, procrastinating... one thing that's interfering is mixed feelings about the whole thing... i don't want to have another hellish year like last year, and it's hard to go all-out to get a job when i'm afraid that it's just going to be more of the same. it's hard, too, that in the whole process, i have to present myself as a successful teacher when i feel that i failed a lot... not sure what to do...

i know i still want to teach, it's all i want to do... it's exciting, it's interesting, it engages my whole being in the most fascinating problem-solving exercises imaginable... and it can be very rewarding... you mentioned yesterday how you enjoy reading professional journals etc. - that's how i feel about teaching - i never felt that way about web development! i always want to learn more, get better... i'm tired after this year, but still, in spite of everything, when i get discouraged, i just recall the faces of my students, the few moments of success that made them light up.... and past students... finding their own strengths and discovering that they are smarter than they thought.....

so i know i will teach, but there are a lot of options about how to do that, and i'm not sure which direction to pursue.... *sigh* work always has its challenges but it should not have to be such hell.

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email #2 - a lot of stuff you probably already know lol

i used to be a much more driven person, but have in recent years been seeking more balance... tried to stop punishing myself with work... i have a younger friend who's still driven, never sleeps, always taking classes and getting higher and higher levels of certification... i can't think that that is what human life is supposed to be... having a goal (like the cum laude diploma :) ) is a good thing, but how much is good/appropriate to sacrifice for the goal, and when does it start to just shorten your life and make it more miserable? i guess we all weigh those things..

yes, i was a corporate exec in web development....almost by accident... i was just in the right place at the right time... i was a print graphic designer when the internet appeared in the business world, so we were just naturally expected to do the web design too, so i taught myself, and then for a brief time, 1-2 years' web experience was all ANYONE had, and i shot up the career ladder far above my actual capacity lol. i was basically a project manager - it was a good niche for me because i was science-geeky enuf (i did learn basic and pascal a million years ago - like, 1984, 1985! - and i understand databases, and i can often figure out web app coding and tinker with it if someone else has written it...) so yes i was geeky enuf to talk to the programmers and understand the possibilities and limitations they would explain to me (that was my favorite part! helping to plan the functionality and architecture without actually having to do the coding! lol), ........AND i was also business-savvy enough to understand what the bosses wanted and even anticipate their needs, so i could translate between geek and boss and help bring their ideas together to create something better than either one of them had imagined ... then my own strongest skills were in design, just for icing on the cake.

Only problem: my ADD was not yet medicated so i was a terrible manager. Couldn't manage time, people, the pieces of a project - couldn't keep it all in my head, couldn't prioritize, couldn't organize. (Looking back, I should have been some kind of communications liaison rather than a manager). Once i got medicated (several years after i got out of that business) I was very angry and bitter for a couple months, about all the ways I had failed, that wouldn't have happened if I had just had those little pills earlier! (I went through that again at the end of this year, because in like March or April I finally got into the medical system here and the doctor increased my ADD meds and my antidepressants, and I got so much more productive and positive and energetic... again, wish I'd had that at the beginning of the year, instead of spending months where i just barely got out of bed...)

After a while I stopped being bitter, because my own failures and struggles *do* give me a *huge* amount of insight and empathy when I work with struggling students... I know they are not just failing on purpose to annoy me, even though they try to act like they are (because who wouldn't rather be "bad" than "stupid"?)... They would succeed if they could. So it helps me commit to finding out how to help them, find out their obstacle, help them learn to overcome it... then they just go, full speed ahead, shining...

So, while I don't believe in fate, if I did, I might think it was meant to happen that way.... a statement more in line with my worldview would be, "Every step you take is on the path." This has just been my path. This is how it happened for me. This is life. Life is hard, for everyone. This is what I have to work with.

So I do try to accept it all, and I think I do mostly, but, as I try to get going in the teaching field, I am also fighting the psychological effects of many years of pre-medication failure... I am fighting hard not to conclude that I can't do anything. I feel cynicism and giving-up creeping up on me and I have to fight it off continuously. The only reason I can keep fighting it is that I think, if I lose hope, what point is there to life? (Although Buddhism counsels us to release both hope and fear, because they are the same........ I need to think about that some more and how it applies). And I struggle to figure out whether and how to accept and work within my limitations, and whether and how to keep fighting those limitations and trying to overcome them...

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and i say again... i'll try to post something light and witty soon...