wow. depressing.

it's over. i made it. i survived. i'm still standing at the end. that counts for something, i'm fairly certain.

i had a little "you could do so much better, i believe in you, do your best and you can achieve great things" talk with each of my students, gave them their report cards, and released them - bubbling and effervescing - into the summer air. in my memory they sort of disappear into the sunlight as they walk out the door...

i wish i had remembered to say, "i wish you all the best, and i'll never forget you" to more of them. but i know it doesn't matter. regardless of what i might have wanted to say to these kids, i've already communicated what they will most remember from me, in a million ways... from just showing up every day, to all the times i told them how smart they are, to the not-a-lot-but-still-too-many times i screamed "what is wrong with you!!??"

we suffered through a looooong year together. we made each other feel angry, powerless, frustrated, miserable, hopeless and sad. on a very few occasions we felt other things... a sense of accomplishment, achievement, hope. very few. i should have provided more of those for them. i should have done a lot of things. let it go.

but it's hard to let it go... i spent much of the last week telling myself, "let it go, it's over" about one thing and another. "it's over." it's over and i have definitely not triumphed, though i am still standing.

today cleaning my room i swept stacks and files and piles of their work into big garbage bags... their hopeful, determined, eager, reluctant, agonized work... my sweet children... just children... i wish so many things about the past and future for them. it was my work, too, going into the garbage bags. i love them. i mourn them. i wish, i wish, i wish.

i came home and went to sleep. i don't want to wake up. wake up into another hard time, a differently hard time, a familiar unpleasantness. the summer stretches ahead. i have to find a job, unpack my office (never unpacked since we moved in last year...), do my share around the house, and not get too depressed. Loopy is depressed and the house is like a cave, a den, a refuge, a pit. it's seductive and miserable to just stay here in the dark all day, shades pulled, eating unhealthy food and sleeping a lot. i want to do that. i fear and loathe the idea.

i'm glad i have therapy tomorrow.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Post Script:

90 minutes and a good cry later, there is hope for the patient. Therapy and meditation must finally be sinking in (even though I haven't meditated in months)... while crying on Loopy's lap i remembered that how i feel now is just how i feel, and it doesn't mean that the whole summer really will be miserable or that i really did fail to do anything useful this year. i remembered to just feel how i feel and try to refrain from all the fantasies about the past and future and how awful it all is.

strangely this seemed to work. the feelings passed like a quick storm and i feel raw, unstable, but less depressed... as i passed through the kitchen i was moved to make myself a quick meal, a simple self-care gesture that i haven't made in days. somehow i even brewed myself a cup of tea.

As i said, there is hope for the patient.