less poetic ... assessment of where i am now

I wrote to a professor from my school of education who knew me really well - warts and all, as they say. Trying to figure out what to do next.... I know she knows the field of education well. It was useful to kind of assess the situation... here is what I wrote to her.

Dear Dr. ______,

I don't know if you remember me, and in any case your obligations toward me are long since discharged, so I'm not sure if you will be willing and/or able to answer the questions I want to pose to you. If not, I understand - more than that, I think it is likely you won't have time to even read this email, and that is completely reasonable.

Nonetheless I am proceeding to pose these questions, under the assumption that, as the saying goes, "it can't hurt to ask."

This year I have been teaching fifth grade (self-contained class, all subjects including math and science) in a very high-need, low-income neighborhood in Chicago. Although I would have preferred to teach social studies, it was the demographic I had sought.

I was really terrible. I couldn't control the students; I was rarely prepared for class; I fulfilled few of my other school obligations. Everyone was disappointed in me. Friday I was informed that I am not being re-hired for the fall - no surprise at all. I'm very discouraged.

I need some perspective here. I need to decide whether to try again in the classroom or seek some other role in education.

You knew my strengths and weaknesses as well as anyone - and you know the field. If you still remember me, and have time, I would greatly appreciate your insight.

On paper I'm extraordinarily qualified - the [university I attended] program really was spectacular (as has become even clearer from hearing about other teachers' inadequate training!) and of course there's the Harvard thing, all the travel, the languages. I know as much about world history, geography, sociology, comparative government, etc. as anyone without a relevant PhD, and I have a deep knowledge of fundamental concepts and schemata in social studies. I'm good at curriculum design (under certain circumstances). I'm a good writer and teacher of writing. I'm a good collaborator and team player (in fact I work best when team teaching - that tends to balance out my weaknesses). I'm deeply empathetic and caring with students. I understand how learning works. I understand various disabilities and how to work with them. I'm good with parents. Of course I have more to learn in all these areas, but it's a good start.

But in practice I choke. I'm late, I'm bad with deadlines, I'm disorganized. Students don't respect or obey me. Worst of all, student work accumulates in ungraded piles - students never receive the feedback they need in order to learn and improve. It's absolutely wrong.

I have spent years and years taking medication and doing therapy to try to "fix" my disabilities - ADD and a serious anxiety disorder - so that I could be effective. I have gotten much better.

But it isn't good enough. I still spend hours every week immobilized by anxiety, and when I'm able to move, I have so much trouble organizing my thoughts that I rarely work efficiently. Some weeks I have worked 16, 17, 18 hours every day and still did only about 50% of what I needed to do. Then I was exhausted and mean to the students.

I need to decide: should I try again in the classroom, hoping that under different circumstances I could do better?

I did have some pretty challenging circumstances this year: (1) I was teaching an age I don't know well, and subjects that I had never been trained to teach; (2) my students are all far below grade level, and 100% are emotionally traumatized, learning disabled, or both; I receive no effective support from special ed personnel; (3) my principal is stupid, tyrannical, paranoid, and cruel; and (4) material resources are extremely scarce. Oh, and (5) it was my first year.

Nonetheless, it is inescapable that classroom teaching requires strengths in places where I have serious deficits.

Maybe I should stop fighting those deficits and accept that some disabilities really do make some jobs impossible. A person in a wheelchair will never be a firefighter.

If I were to leave the classroom, what could I do? How could I put my strengths to use? I still want to work in education, and I want to work directly with students if possible. What kind of position would capitalize on my strengths and not challenge me so much in so many different areas of weakness? Should I try special education? I really don't know what's out there - what the possibilities are. I don't know what kind of jobs exist in the field.

I would value your opinion on my personal next steps, but if you don't have time for that, I would be so grateful if you could just direct me to some source of information that can assist me in learning about the range of possible careers in education.

-=-=-=-=-

I finished the letter with additional expressions of appreciation etc.

So that's where I am.

Remember that scene in The Matrix where they're in this undefined white space? That's how I feel. Limbo I guess.

In meditation they're always trying to teach you to be comfortable with uncertainty. I am pretty comfortable with it at this point..... no, I'm not. I'm just used to it. But it still exhausts me.