you buttered your bread, now lie in it

so, unfortunately, i seem to be sliding back into depression; just got my referral from my new doctor for a new shrink (grrrr i hate our healthcare system, new job means all new doctors, start all over, ugh) and i'm gonna get going on that. i feel like i'm sliding down the slippery slope kinda fast...

it's affecting my job... a parent who sat in on my class called me 'passive' today... i know he's right, i've gotten very passive, because i just feel so damn tired all the time... i no longer have the energy to dominate my students the way i need to (think dog trainer, not fetish night, people—jeez). (i'm reminded of my advice to a new teacher on the second or third day of school: "Imagine yourself occupying all the space in the room above the students' heads..." hey, it works for me, and it worked for her... you have to mentally loom over them...).

but i'm letting them fill the space...

lately i tend to sit at the front of the room and kinda whine at them... i feel too tired to get out of my chair... it's really quite ridiculous. a teacher's aide came in and subbed for one of the teachers who uses my room, and she had my class silent and working. she didn't have to yell at them constantly, just threaten them a couple times. contrast with the writing teacher, who has even less control than i do - when she yells at the students, they all laugh. i can see myself going that way - in fact my depression about my job started on tuesday when i watched her do that.

of course, the parent's comment gave me a nice kick further down the slippery slope, and had me bawling my eyes out this evening, thinking about quitting and just giving up altogether...

so, the title of the post refers to something my beloved college roommate, Amy aka Amerina, used to say, and i'm pretty sure it's a quote from her parents. (many of the most hilarious and perfectly-pitched aphorisms i've ever heard are quotes from Amy's parents).

the title of the post also refers to the fact that i have done some things lately that i don't care to discuss here, but things that have boomeranged and are helping to kick my ass down that slope... and my lovely, darling wifey has done nothing but be sweet and kind to me... when she has every right to say something like "you buttered your bread, now lie in it."

thank you, sweet darling wifey. i am nothing without you.