when you want something you can't have...

Here is an email message I sent to my dear friend A from college. I thought I'd put it up here too in case anyone else happened to stop by and read it, which is nice because it saves me the trouble of repeating myself a lot. Although I probably will anyway, since that's just how I am.

At 10:49 AM 4/14/2005, [birdfarm] wrote:

...
I might not go [to Iran]. ...My parents really could use my help right now. I guess I'm not going. *sigh*
...

At 10:50 AM 4/14/2005, [A] wrote:

Are you going to have to go back to Arizona? Or just want to stay in the country in case you do? I'm really about that whole situation with them -- really sounds sucky all around. :(

At 11:30 AM 4/14/2005, [birdfarm] wrote:

Yes, my mom's having some major neck surgery on May 18th, and we have to take my Dad to a neurologist on May 23rd while she's still in the hospital.

We're trying to pretend that the surgery isn't a big deal but I kinda think it is--it's one of those things where it will probably be fine, but it's a delicate operation and if something goes wrong she'd end up quadriplegic.

Anyway Dad's very worried about it and we've noticed a pattern of him having strokes when family members have medical problems like this, so I thought having [Loopy] and me there would help make him more comfortable. Also it's gotten to the point where he really shouldn't be alone--half the time he can't remember how to work the phone, so if he had an emergency (even something mundane) he wouldn't be able to get help.

Also, prior to Mom's surgery, we have to make new arrangements so Dad won't be responsible for their finances anymore on a day-to-day basis. This has taken some convincing, but Dad finally seems to be recognizing and accepting that he just can't handle it anymore.

Still I think it will be very emotional to deal with this. It's a big part of his self-image to be "the man" who takes care of the family, and especially, the one who handles finances--that was his career you'll remember, he worked in a bank for years, later was a bookkeeper/accountant for various organizations.

After the surgery, Mom's going to be in rehab and then in a giant neck brace for six or eight weeks. For Dad's neurologist appointment on the 23rd, the doctor needs info from family members, so we need to go to that since Mom won't be available. We may have to have the neurologist declare him legally incompetent (ick!) so that would require moral support all around.

If I were going to Iran I'd basically have to take a cab from the neurologist to the airport, then travel for 36 hours straight. That would be dumb. On top of not taking care of other people who could use my help, I would not be taking care of myself, when I could really use their support. Instead I would be shuffling around in the heat and dust, wearing a raincoat and scarf, and looking at the tomb of Cyrus the great, which, let's be honest, just looks like a big squarish rock.

My parents just don't have any experience in giving and receiving genuine friendship, caring, and support--between themselves or from other friends. It's very sad. So they don't know what to ask for, even, or what to expect that they will need, or what a "normal" person would assume would be needed at a time like this.

I started off with this inherited handicap, but I'm learning, have been learning, from people like [Rie]'s family in high school, your family, and now [Loopy] & her sister & other friends--about how to anticipate what people will need, including myself, and how to be genuinely helpful (I hope).

I'm just so lucky to have [Loopy]. It's times like this that you know why marriage was invented. The day-to-day being together is wonderful but I literally don't know how I'd cope without her right now. I mean, I suppose I would, but the prospect is so bleak I can't even imagine it.

Anyway, I think I'm going to post this to my blog. It was only while writing this out that I really kinda let it all sink in. I feel sorta weepy. *sigh*

The woman who takes care of my folks and helps out around the house wrote that "I feel [your dad] has a long life ahead. It is just a matter of him having to make changes." Yes, he's physically very healthy, and maybe it will all be better after this for a while, maybe they will just relax and enjoy life--that's what they keep saying they're going to do, watch more movies, read, go for walks, watch the clouds, etc.--but still it is a big change.

Thanks for your support. It's also times like these that I know why friendship was invented. Just knowing I have people around like you & others who care about me, really means a lot.