Franklin's sister Sue is a teacher and she very kindly posted a comment on my last post, urging me (among other useful advice) not to sub in the fall but to start teaching immediately. I decided to make a new post to muse on this.
The problem is, I think it's too late for me to find a job for the fall. There are a couple of issues.
First, unlike most other parts of the country, this area has a glut of teachers seeking work. It's very competitive, and many school districts have April deadlines for applications for fall positions. Plus, the biggest district lost a referendum and is now cutting teachers left & right. So those experienced teachers are my competitors for jobs, along with all my former classmates.
Second, I have a LOT to finish up before I can even be certified. And I haven't even started putting together my resume, letters of recommendation, nada.
Third, the biggest problem here is that I've come up against some kind of psychological road block that has stopped me from making progress in any of the other things I've tried to do--including teaching, the first time around, twelve years ago. I don't know what it is, but every time I get close to succeeding in a long-term goal, I find myself completely stuck, and find that I refuse to do anything to move forward. This time, I am determined to figure it out and overcome it, and I know I will, because this is the only thing I really want to do. But at the moment--still stuck.
Fourth, when I have taught during student teaching, I basically have found that I have to create most of my lesson plans far in advance. It takes me a long time to develop a good lesson, and when I'm actually teaching, I don't have a lot of time, and find myself not functioning efficiently in the time I do have. So I've concluded that to feel confident and be successful, I really need to take time in the summer preceeding my first job to define the outlines of the curriculum for the year, and even develop drafts of most of my lesson plans. I'm asking myself if I really need that time, but honestly the answer is yes. Last fall, the lessons that went the best were the ones that I drafted over the summer; the stuff I made up at the last minute ended up sloppy and incomplete.
So, if I wanted to teach this fall, I would need to do a lot of preparation this summer, but I don't have time--between my certification work, three weeks in Arizona for my Mom's surgery, and four weeks in Japan--plus, with this "psychological road block" I don't think I would actually do it even if I did have time.
So I don't think it's irrationally pessimistic to think that I'd find myself completely unprepared on the first day of school in the fall, and that this would (1) set me up for such a stressful (and perhaps miserably ineffective) first year that I might indeed despair and become a corporate lawyer (ok, well, never that) and (2) continue to reinforce some bad habits that I'd like to change, e.g., xeroxing the second page of the test while the students do the first page while I type the third page.
I dunno though. But I do have to run now or I'll be late for meditation (one of the things I'm trying to do to unlock my deadlock).
One last thing I'll note—that in addition to subbing, I really want to find even one teacher that I actually consider effective, and observe his/her classes. I have yet to observe any teachers teaching effectively. So I sorta feel like I'm hacking my way through a jungle with a machete while knowing there is a four-lane highway around here somewhere—i.e., I'm having to figure out everything for myself, when I know there are a lot of fantastic teachers doing wonderfully effective things. I finally have leads on two who might fit the bill.
So I'm not just treading water til next summer...I still have things to learn and plans and stuff.
Monday, May 30, 2005
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3 comments:
Ok--I'll be brief (I hope!). 1) I got my first teaching job on a Tuesday, and school started that Thursday. Last minute openings happen. Mine was 3/5 of a position, which was actually an ideal way to start. New teachers are cheaper than veterans, too. I was terrified, and I was rather crappy at teaching. Kids still wanted to be in my class the next year. Benignly bad is how I've come to describe my teaching in that period. No one is great at it when she starts. 2) My husband used to hate Sundays. Sundays were lesson planning days. I was an absolute BEAR on those days as I mapped out the week for my two preps(I have five preps now and don't give much thought to this on weekends anymore! Yahoo!) 3) Your idea to track down some teachers who have a clue is an awesome idea. There is nothing more inspiring than teachers who care about their practice. Do you folks have a National Writing Project site where you are? Check them out on the web. I attended the summer institute with the Maine Writing Project and it changed my world in the best possible way. See about that for next summer if possible (2006). You might find the website inspriring. The whole premise is teachers teaching and supporting other teachers. 4) Get your certification! Nothing worse than a legitimate block.
Ok, I'm really done now, and I was anything but brief. Sorry! I promise I won't bother you again! My last words (for whatever they're worth): Don't expect perfection. Don't give up! Face the demons (and you know I don't mean the students)! Win the battle! TEACH!
You don't have to be brief, this is really wonderful.
I was going to say that I don't have any teachers to talk with about this, but then I remembered that my cousin is also a teacher; I should give him a call after school lets out. Anyway, don't feel obligated to respond, or anything, but I really, *really* appreciate your ideas and insights.
I know last-minute openings happen, & you just have to roll w the punches etc. It has occurred to me that if I get all my ducks in a row, so to speak, something might land in my lap at the last minute and I would just go with it and I wouldn't have time to panic.
The thing is, though, that I think I can plan out a generalized social studies curriculum--a series of lessons that teach a series of social and academic skills--even if I don't know what I'm teaching.
What needs to be figured out is the step-by-step progression of skills that will, over the course of a year, hopefully help students develop various analytical and creative abilities that will allow them to understand and solve problems related to history, geography, etc.
My theory is that if I could put that together--and I bet someone else has already done something like that, so maybe I just need to find it--then I could adapt it to ANY subject matter I might be hired to teach.
BUT... that will take time, and it will also require me to be able to say "today I will do x, y, and z" with some reasonable expectation that I might at least get started on x. This summer, I don't seem to have time, and more importantly, I seem to be so stuck that I can't force myself to take one single step, even though I'm just trying to take steps in a direction I very much want to go.
The thing is... I was "benignly bad" during my student teaching days, and I just don't want to teach badly anymore.
It's so unpleasant and stressful, and it feels awful, when I really think I can do a lot better. Between reading and research and the bits & pieces of my own lessons that have actually worked, I am confident that I have a very good sense of how to prepare and teach effective lessons. I know I can do it.
But I just DON'T do it. For some reason, I just don't.
While student teaching, I would set aside time to plan, but then I wouldn't plan; I would just panic and flounder (sometimes I would do stuff like creating spectacular but unnecessary visual aides) and then it would be time to teach and I'd be up there "winging it" again. I filled up each day with random crap, and it was so painful because I knew it didn't have to be like that.
I'd like to think I've outgrown that, but just a few weeks ago I went back to teach again at the "alternative high school" (you may be amused to hear that for some reason they ask me to come in every semester and do a two- to three-day lesson about "Islam, Arabs and Arab-Americans"--I'm still not entirely sure how they concluded that I was the best person to do this) and I was up to my old tricks again--tried to start planning three weeks in advance; had a good idea of what I wanted to do, but just needed to prep some worksheets and visuals and check some facts; stayed up all night fidgeting anxiously but did not get anything prepped; went in and had to "wing" something different because I was not prepared to do what I'd planned.
So.... I decided to sub for a year because I thought that (1) I need more time to overcome my "problems" whatever they are (I think this will help not only me but also my students, because I think some of them struggle with the same mysterious 'stuckness' and maybe when I figure out how to help myself I'll be able to help them too?) and (2) I am still not good at "classroom management" and I could really use the practice that will come from a year of subbing.
I'm writing this all out because I really don't know if I'm making this decision rationally and I feel like you're actually listening to what I'm saying and giving me incredibly helpful "reality check" feedback.
Actually I can give myself one "reality check." The Arab-Americans lesson actually went better than I'm implying. It was also superior to what I taught the last three times. So I may be "winging it," but I'm getting better at it. And I did have one thing prepped, sort of, even if I *was* cutting apart little cards in the car while driving to school.
But I didn't have the worksheet ready, and and and and. There was lots wrong with it, lots that could have been better. But. But.
Aagh. I'll leave it at that for now.
Question - have you ever considered a coach? There are so many flavors out there, but I've often thought about having someone who will help me strategize and break down what I need to do, and then set up ways to hold me accountable to what I said I'd do, and to be encouraging when I don't do it.
Some people think of it as a crutch and want to solve things all by themselves but I see them as just another tool. And heck, if they figure out a way to help you get things done, maybe you can eventually learn to do some of what they are doing.
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