not myself

I've been feeling a bit odd and adrift since returning from AZ. This is not surprising, given all the drama that occurred there, but I don't like it.

I've decided not to seek a full-time teaching position in the fall--it's just too much. I have so much to deal with this summer, and a lot to catch up on, and I just don't feel ready. I'm now planning to substitute teach for a year and perfect my "classroom management" technique.

I spent a lot of agonizing time drafting a letter to my professor about why I am so far behind in everything and have still not completed the requirements for her fall 2004 course, nor in fact for three courses taken in 2002 and 2003.

I finally succeeded in crafting what I thought was an eloquent summation, alluding to my personal struggles but not providing an inappropriate amount of detail, and describing succinctly yet intensely how much these difficulties were contributing to my development into a truly excellent teacher.

I sent it off and crossed my fingers that she wouldn't kick me out of the program.

Her response was almost worse; it was essentially, "ok, whatever."

I felt really, really dumb for thinking that anything I had written mattered in the slightest to anyone. My humiliation was only relieved by the comforting thought that she sounds so busy that she probably didn't even read most of what I wrote.

So, as I said, adrift. Now what do I do? The sense of desperate urgency is gone. I've been waiting around for a couple of days to see what would happen if I didn't try to whip myself into a frenzy. Would I start working or just sit around?

Apparently the latter.

Fortunately I have therapy on Monday.