summer is a strange time

on the one hand, the garden is gorgeous, full of flowers, and i keep buying more things to put in it. the birds fly around the house constantly ("it's like a birdy thoroughfare out there," Loopy informed me yesterday, having spent several days studying at the kitchen table and watching the birds swoop rapidly back and forth across the open expanse of yard.) on the one hand there's no place i have to be, nothing i have to do, not exactly anyway.

but on the other hand there are a million things to do (clean out the basement, get the roof replaced, fix the garden, prepare lesson plans for fall, do my homework for my class, work on my friend's business card & brochure that is fun but still another thing on the list, tutor some of my former students in math, make arrangements for my trip to Tucson and possibly Atlanta...) and on top of all that, or beside it or because of it, i feel all crazy. i have all these strong emotions--i'm really angry, just furious about everything and at a few particular people, and also i'm sad, for no apparent reason, i just feel like crying. i feel like i have no perspective.

for example i am supposed to go to the Solidarity convention in Atlanta, but I am too crazy to be able to think about it. I am just furiously angry with one of the people involved, and also at the whole organization, and I just feel enraged at the thought of sitting in a room with a bunch of people having intellectual discussions about the world's problems, i am so angry about the waste of time and the out-of-touchness...... but i usually love this organization and i love doing that, so what's going on here??? should i pay attention to these feelings as the basis for a decision about my trip to Atlanta, or should i just go (everyone's advice) on the assumption that i'll have fun once i get there (after all I"ve never been).....? but I need that time for other things... but it's only five days.................

and isn't it weird how sometimes you feel completely alone, like, no one can really see you? but that's not true either, i'm just being crazy.

lost. like Katy only much less eloquent and with much less valid reasons. i wouldn't even say i'm sad or depressed, i'm more....stormy, tossed about, and confused.