the dreamer

look what I found while googling images of ancient goddesses....

They call it "The Dreamer." It's from Malta, circa 3000 BCE, from a 6000-meter-square temple complex. Pretty cool, eh? I never saw it before. So lovely and peaceful!

why am I googling ancient goddesses? for the graphic design for SP's new massage practice which will be called "Changing Woman," particularly catering to pregnant women and new mothers, etc. I'm doing four concepts - mainstream/"medical", mainstream/"feminine," alternative/"nature," alternative/"feminine"...... weird when you think about it, what all these words and dichotomies mean, but never mind.

for the project I've also been reading about labor & childbirth—sounds miserable!. I never seriously considered it so I never thought about it very much before (even back when i wanted kids I always assumed I'd adopt, or Loopy could have them if she wanted to). Seems like a huge amount of work to get ready for it, learn all the different things you're supposed to do at different moments, like what kind of breathing/pushing to do just when the baby's crowning... You can see why people practice so much. And all the unnecessary or harmful things you have to fend off that the doctors want to do. Eep. I guess it's also nothing compared to actually having a kid 24/7--now THAT's hard work, eh, Moms? Maybe I shouldn't be writing this since I know at least one pregnant person reads my blog, but I don't imagine she'd be too put off by my comments (actually I imagine she would laugh at me a little, in friendly way of course), so I'm not going to worry about it. :-)

anyway, for those of you brave & determined enough to be considering the whole concept (and my admiration has gone up about a thousand-fold, believe me!!), I found a really awesome book... Birthing From Within. The title might sound goofy to some of you but trust me the book is awesome. If I were going to have to do this this is the book I'd want. Then it turns out that SP loves this book and is certified (or was?) in teaching women how to have children according to this book's ideas. Pretty cool.....

oops, gotta run. We're gonna go see Stepford Wives!

summer is a strange time

on the one hand, the garden is gorgeous, full of flowers, and i keep buying more things to put in it. the birds fly around the house constantly ("it's like a birdy thoroughfare out there," Loopy informed me yesterday, having spent several days studying at the kitchen table and watching the birds swoop rapidly back and forth across the open expanse of yard.) on the one hand there's no place i have to be, nothing i have to do, not exactly anyway.

but on the other hand there are a million things to do (clean out the basement, get the roof replaced, fix the garden, prepare lesson plans for fall, do my homework for my class, work on my friend's business card & brochure that is fun but still another thing on the list, tutor some of my former students in math, make arrangements for my trip to Tucson and possibly Atlanta...) and on top of all that, or beside it or because of it, i feel all crazy. i have all these strong emotions--i'm really angry, just furious about everything and at a few particular people, and also i'm sad, for no apparent reason, i just feel like crying. i feel like i have no perspective.

for example i am supposed to go to the Solidarity convention in Atlanta, but I am too crazy to be able to think about it. I am just furiously angry with one of the people involved, and also at the whole organization, and I just feel enraged at the thought of sitting in a room with a bunch of people having intellectual discussions about the world's problems, i am so angry about the waste of time and the out-of-touchness...... but i usually love this organization and i love doing that, so what's going on here??? should i pay attention to these feelings as the basis for a decision about my trip to Atlanta, or should i just go (everyone's advice) on the assumption that i'll have fun once i get there (after all I"ve never been).....? but I need that time for other things... but it's only five days.................

and isn't it weird how sometimes you feel completely alone, like, no one can really see you? but that's not true either, i'm just being crazy.

lost. like Katy only much less eloquent and with much less valid reasons. i wouldn't even say i'm sad or depressed, i'm more....stormy, tossed about, and confused.

wow, there are some great blogs out there

I've been tooling around in my friends' blogs this evening. When did everyone get so brilliant/witty/profound/interesting/eloquent? Oh, I know--since it's been summer and we're all procrastinating! Of all of them, Katy's gorgeous elegaic prose takes the cake, so I'll link to hers: Too Much Light To Deny. Wow. Stunning. I also enjoyed Embly's, Chrissy's, and of course Loopy's musings. I was going to put in all the links but it's too much work (see below regarding inertia).

I took the day off today—in my annoying way where I get up and make a list of stuff to do, then about 2:30 pm I become aware that some part of my brain (the part that's actually in charge) has decided that I am not doing those things today, but instead, I'm doing something else. I am working on trying to become aware of the decision-making process by which this obscure part of my brain makes its own plans. In my head, for any day or hour, there's often the "official plan" and the "unofficial plan." The former is selflessly productive, efficient, appropriate, wise, etc. The latter—which tends to take over unless I exert strenuous effort to resist it&151;is self-serving, avoids discomfort like death, and generally tends toward immobility. Often I only become aware of the unofficial plan when I observe it unfolding (if such an active verb can be used for activities that resemble immobility). For example, right now I think the official plan is that I'm going to grab my reading for tomorrow, and run downstairs and get on the treadmill for a half hour or so. And/or I'm going to run off to bed and get up early and walk on the treadmill while doing my reading for class. The unofficial plan probably involves putzing around in blogland for another hour until my back is killing me and Loopy yells at me. Why, why, why would I want to do this? I will feel so much better if I get on the treadmill and just even SKIM my reading! Not to mention I will be so much happier if I crawl into bed while Loopy is still awake and has not yet donned the new, intimidating version of the Face Underwear (pictured at right)(no, that's not Loopy in the picture). (It's a machine to prevent sleep apnea. It works wonders for her health and well-being, but it's not exactly alluring, although it is at times hilarious!)

All this discussion of Face Underwear has helped me focus on a good motivation for going to bed, so I'm off in that direction. However, in closing, I will just add one more thought on the problem of the "official" vs the "unofficial" plan: I recently realized that any decision that involves taking my own needs or wishes into consideration causes me intense anxiety, which makes it hard for me to rank and prioritize the different considerations, and results in actions that are either insanely self-sacrificing or horrendously self-absorbed. If I could think clearly about my own needs and wishes, maybe I would be able to find some kind of happy medium between the official and unofficial plan. But I get stuck between conflicting urges of "to hell with everyone else, just crawl off and hide somewhere and everything bad will disappear" and all my upbringing that urges saintly perfection, and I just can't even think at all.

I'm reading a really, really useful & interesting book right now--Empowering Underachievers. I picked it up to help me with my students, which it definitely does, but it also applies to me a lot. I seem to be some kind of late-blooming underachiever.

Ah, a plaintive call from Loopy... "Will you kill the mosquitos in my rooooooom?" Of course I will. Five minutes later, as I play with my post, she calls again.... "They're eating me!" and then "You've gotta help me!" Poor loopy!!!! OK, here I go

at last, a quiz that truly understands me

saw this on loopy's blog, so I had to go check it out....

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-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're the kind of chick that can hang out with your [loopy's] friends and be silly. You don't care about presents or about going to fancy places. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy being around your [loopy].

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

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I played around with this a little and found that if you say you like to go to the video arcade, never have crushes, prefer Adam Sandler movies, and like some song that goes "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts," then it tells you that you are "innocent, childish, and possibly lesbian" Very amusing!

(I can just hear Dorotha, K-fly and Ang* saying, "you thought Harry Potter was offensive** and you think that's amusing???" What can I say? — maybe it's just a matter of being in the right mood).

I see now that the three above-mentioned peeps have also taken this little quiz...we're just all perfect together, lah-di-dah. ;-) I think it's funny that I probably could be described as "mercurial, tomboyish, and loving".... but definitely not perfect, due in no small part to being too mercurial.

I wonder if the person who made this knows what "mercurial" means? (Do I, for that matter?)

But if you *really* want to take a long hard look into the deepest depths of your soul, try taking the "What kind of Pocky are you?" quiz, by the same author. I am Strawberry Pocky! "You're energetic and you probably bounce around a lot. You're also a bit naive, and you probably fall in love easily." Hey, at least Strawberry Pocky isn't preachy!

Tomorrow we face an army of roofers and plumbers. Don't even ask.

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*Not to imply that I assume or expect that any of these people read my blog necessarily. Blogs should not be a social obligation. :-)

**Here are the three things I found mildly offensive*** in Harry Potter: (1) the fat aunt who blows up, (2) the severed Jamaican head and (3) the implied comparison between queers and werewolves... i.e. the predator who can't control himself and deserves pity rather than condemnation.

***Not that I ever let being offended/annoyed get in the way of enjoying a really top-notch movie (such as "Return of the King," whose human villains mostly look Arab or African), but HP-TPOA was really not a top-notch movie. (Maybe third or fourth notch--not bad, I may see it again someday when I'm bored, but just.... as the below-mentioned Amy would say... just "eh.") So the annoying stuff stands out more.

happy birthday AMY!

or hip-pappy bithuthday, as I think it says somewhere in Pooh bear. Amy (aka Amerina) is my roommate from college (aka the halcyon days of yore) and she was and is fantabulous, so I hope her birthday was extremely happy, or magnamonious, as the case may be, because she deserves only the very best! Yay Amy! xoxoxoxoxo

Kansas & Nebraska Act, no... Yalta, yes.

Yalta showed up on the test after all. Guess I shouldn't have assumed that "I knew about Yalta." Do you know about Yalta?

Which of the following things happened at the Yalta Conference in 1945?
a) Korea was divided along the 38th parallel
b) Poland got new borders
c) The participants decided to demand reparations from Germany for the USSR.
d) Something else that I ruled out immediately & can't remember because, unlike answer (a), it didn't almost make me laugh out loud.

Well? Do you know??? Apparently it was (b). I changed my answer so many times between (b) and (c) that I don't know which one I ended up with.

I know if I asked my mom she would act all surprised that ANYONE could not know such an OBVIOUS thing. Good thing she doesn't read this. (Does she?) Well, Mom, do you know the difference between fiscal policy and monetary policy? How 'bout Weber's definitions of authority, do you know that? Do ya? Huh? Huh?

Cuz I don't!

a weird and/or fucked-up century

so, tomorrow I have to take a content test in social studies. I meant to study, but I guess I didn't. So I've spent the last hour and ahalf googling about, looking at timelines, trying to cram for at least the history portion, which after all is supposed to be my field (what the hell is the "Kansas and Nebraska Act"??)

I have learned that the Rules of War, cubism, and the electric washing machine were all introduced to the world in the same year (1907). Also that Gandhi's Salt March was in 1930 (a lot earlier than I realized) and that there were a whole bunch of conferences after World War II in which the fate of the world was decided (I knew about Bretton Woods and Yalta, but not Potsdam and Dumbarton Oaks). See, tests can drive learning.

But I still don't know what the Kansas and Nebraska Act is. But I'm going to bed anyway. It was on the practice test, so it won't be on the real test.Right?

graduation - the funny part - get your pot on the way out

the kids were all supposed to take home a potted philodendron along with their diploma. ("so what's with the plants?" I asked someone. "Oh, it's a symbol of their growing, their life, their hope for the future," the person replied seriously. Yeah, well, duh, that part is obvious--what I wanted to know was--oh never mind). But they kept forgetting (or maybe "forgetting"?) to pick up their philodendron as they moved back to their seats. Since I was the last one in the teacher gauntlet, I was asked to remind them.

It just struck me as absolutely hilarious that after all my stressing out this week about somehow creating MEANINGFUL final moments with these students--somehow saying the right thing that would send them off on a positive path in life (as if I had that much power!)--it turned out that my absolute last words to all these fine young people were on the subject of philodendrons. Some of them were crying, some were giggling, some were looking at me like "who the hell are you?", some thanked me warmly for some service rendered, but regardless, to each in turn, I gave the final benediction: "Congratualtions...good luck... and don't forget your plant." A fitting end indeed!

graduation - the sad part - ghosts

So, I went to graduation ceremonies at the school where I student-taught last fall. (I've decided to begin using a pseudonym for it--from now on it's Chavez, as in Cesar, since the real name is also a dead US activist of color). It's an "alternative" school and there were only about 40 kids graduating. It was an interesting variation on the usual ceremony. Each student was introduced by a teacher (of the student's own choosing), then each student said a few words, then each moved through the rows of teachers and shook hands with all of us (I was included along with the other student teachers).

Some of the teachers' speeches were inspiring, some were bizarre (esp those that were insulting in their compliments..."he finally got enough credits to graduate!" "What can I say about her, she's, uh, vivacious!"). Some kids broke down sobbing over a deceased loved one or a past suicide attempt, or over how grateful they are to the staff that helped them succeed, etc. It was interesting.

What I couldn't help noticing was that there were no—zero, zip, zilch—boys of color in the graduating class. How many out there would have benefitted from all the love and compassion poured out upon the white girls? (Not that I don't want white girls to receive compassion—that's not the point—the point is that ALL students deserve this support and compassion). I thought about a couple boys of color I know of, who have dropped out of Chavez High School, sometimes with the staff rejecting and giving up on them in exactly the ways that they did not do to the girls.

Lately I've been struck by the second, third, fourth, gajillionth chances that white kids get. I thought about how one of the white girls didn't even graduate, and she's *still* going to college in the fall! (Another example: I just read that the Dalai Lama's translator used to be a mean-spirited, sadistic, troublemaking teenager, but he straightened up once he got to Harvard. Generally, mean-spirited, sadistic, troublemaking teenagers who are not white end up in jail, not at Harvard, and not as the Dalai Lama's right-hand-man. Again, not that I'm not happy for the guy that he got a second chance, but, where are those second chances for some of my students?)

I've been thinking about poetry and/or art projects that could maybe express this sadness with more depth and less anger or (as dorotha would say) 'preachiness.' I keep thinking of all the graduations around town or around the country and all the missing faces of students who dropped our or ended up dead or in jail. Some kind of way to show these ghosts at their would-be graduations...

welcome home dorotha!

hey, i thought dorotha was coming today but it looks like she got here yesterday. i don't know if she reads my blog or not, but
***welcome home dorotha! ***
are we having dinner or going to target or something?

i will go to the not-yarn-store with you, I don't knit either. ;-)

last day of school

I'm off to Shabazz to celebrate the last day of school by taking "my girls" out to lunch. I have no idea how a teacher is supposed to bid farewell to students. I have only the vaguest memories of my own experiences on the other end. I love these kids and wish I could stay in touch somehow, like a Big Sister or aunt, but of course that's not what's done, or is it? I have no idea! I feel weird about it all. I just have invested so much time and thought and energy in them, it's hard to just have them vanish--is that wrong? Am I somehow using them to make myself feel like a good person? er, that is, like a GOOD PERSON? Plus some of them seem so needy, like they really want something from me, but I don't know what it is. I want to reassure them that I care about them, but I guess I probably can't provide whatever it is they want, so I shouldn't try. Babbling about how great they are and my high hopes for their future won't provide that reassurance or whatever they need---or will it? I feel like I should and/or shouldn't do something MEANINGFUL to send them off into the next phase of their life, but I don' tknow what that thing (the meaningful thing) would be, that would not be weird or embarrassing. I guess I will conclude that I should jsut keep it all low key. *sigh* I shouldn't have planned this day, I'm late, as usual when I have ambivalent feelings about something. Yesterday I babbled (as above) at two students and tried to organize two more into a summer math tutoring thing. Am I crazy? They're little sponges, they just need so much, and I can't fix it.

This is that "boundaries" thing, isn't it. I need to get me some of those!

aaak! drive a stake through its heart this time!

Just when I thought I was safe, I found myself spending another afternoon.... yes, you guessed it, editing Loopy's thesis! It was accepted so Loopy is a Master (yay yay yay!) but it still had some grammar issues. Now it's bound for binding (ha ha) in the library and we are bound for Laotian food, maybe even Target! Yay!

SomethingFest & Cuban doctors

RadFest (which sometimes gets called "LibFest" in moments of annoyance) was okay. Not as good as last year, but the socializing is always fun. Betsy and Donna and I stayed up til two in the morning last night drinking and talking about Cuba (well, mostly they talked and I listened). Many of the stories involved Cuban doctors. For example: Donna was in Nicaragua (where she lived for many years) when a big hurricane hit, and Cuban and American doctors came to help in the aftermath; the American doctors were shocked that the Cuban doctors had never before seen malnutrition. Well, case closed as far as I'm concerned, sorry about the fucking soap. Although this sounds like a dreary conversation, it wasn't, and somehow there was lots of hysterical laughing.

I think my panel went well, so I was happy. Some very cool people complimented me on it so, I guess I already said this but, I was happy.

Well, gotta go to bed so I don't leave lovey all by herself! Damn it's hot all of a sudden!

i should have left an hour ago...

...and I haven't started packing. So what else is new?

I just wanted to post briefly (so I wouldn't have so much catching up to do) and say I decided to go with "Birdie," who is a very experienced, competent teacher who knows how to do lots of stuff I want to learn how to do (creaete classroom community, push for high achievement, help students develop academic and intellectual skills). She's not too great on the equity front, I don't think (why am I always helping Black girls with math, within fifteen minutes of entering any school building? And why does it always seem that I'm the first person in their life that has tried to do so?), but I have learned a lot about that elsewhere and can continue to self-educate. Maybe I'll even help her in that department, but I'll have to play it by ear. Anyway there's a lot I have NOT learned elsewhere that I need someone like her to teach me, so I'm really glad I've found her, and I feel really lucky--again!

At first I was perturbed that she is the type of person who doesn't like my type of person (as I've been saying to friends, she's very "no-nonsense" and I tend to generate a relatively high degree of nonsense) but I have gotten over that. I decided (a) not to worry about it, because the more I panic the more nonsensical I get, and (b) just to rise to the occasion. this is my chance to just STOP being so flaky and "crazy," because I think that not only will she not put up with it, she just won't get it, and there's an aspect to my craziness (like every craziness) that requires others to "play along" in my little dramas. So i'm hoping this will be the inspiration I need to be my best self, instead of hiding behind all the neuroses and fluttering that hold me back.

I'm off to Radfest (so sweet of loopy to say she'll miss me! I'll miss her too but I think a couple days to clear our heads at the end of this hectic semester (if I can manage to follow through on my intention to hang out by the lake and read and think a bit) might be useful for both of us--not that it had to be separately but it will be useful anyway). I have to present tomorrow morning on "Brown v Board, 50 years later, how much the schools in this town suck for students of color". What fun (not). But I'll be glad to share some of this info that I've been bursting full of ever since I've learned it.

wallie down, birdie to go

well... wallie was very laid back, which is nice, and works in a team, which is very nice -- good for me and my procrastination habits. her politics match mine, re education and re the world. so, overall fine--if i end up there i will not be upset. it will probably be a lot easier than last year, and she's very easy going, so it should be less stress. but, only 2 drawbacks... like most teachers (i begin to think), she doesn't actually teach much, as far as i can tell. students lacked simple skills and didn't take their work seriously. but as i said i start to think that this is near-universal. if birdie is the same way i may well go with wallie. oh, the other drawback--not very authoritative. i need to learn to be strong if i'm going to push push push kids to succeed, which as we all know is my goal. hm.

i miss camilly! i'm sad that she's gone (possibly only temporarily) but at the same time i feel relieved and even liberated. is it wrong to cut yourself loose from a drowning person? --perhaps neither right nor wrong, just necessary for survival.

gotta sleep if i'm going to be in birdie's classroom at 7:30!!

wallie

Well, off to observe in "Wallie"'s classroom! I'm a bit nervous, but only a little, since I have two options that both look reasonably good, and I'm determined to make the best of it either way. Hopefully this semester will be less stressful.

Yesterday we went shopping and blew an enormous amount of money, some of it on very useful things, some of it on beer and candy. It's the American way.

In The Poisonwood Bible which I am re-reading while walking, this morning it said something about it being "the American way" to "demand perfection and revile the missed mark." I am trying not to demand perfection of myself, and to look at teaching as something I decided to do to make my life interesting and meaningful--instead of looking at it as a way to redeem my sinful soul by saving unfortunate children--since the latter perspective appears to guarantee misery all around. Good luck to me!