When I was a kid I had a super-cheesy plaque in my room with the super-cheesy proverb "home is where the heart is."
But I find the proverb increasingly less cheesy, as the hospital starts to feel like home. I return to it late at night, its signage familiar and welcoming, its sounds and procedures reassuring. I wasn't able to sleep at a friend's house, and last night at our house I just felt edgy and sad, but here on the fold-up bed next to Loopy, I feel at peace and ready for rest.
There's something else I like about it: the hospital is utterly devoid of the world's usual pretense that "everything is okay" and if you just ________ it will all turn out all right (fill in the blank with the appropriate cultural, religious, familial or advertising-slogan admonitions). You can see in almost every face you pass--the profound awareness of the randomness of life, the pain and confusion of being human, and the total lack of control that we have over some of the things that affect us most. This awareness has a million flavors--resignation, determination, bewilderment, bitterness, etc. But when you see it over and over the core of it sort of distills out....
On a more prosaic note, neuro is a stranger unit that cardiac. Next door is an older (but not elderly) man who seems to have regressed to near-infancy. He spends his time sorting colored blocks and piteously protesting any attempt to feed him, take his temperature, etc. Loopy's nurse remarked today that Loopy is an unusual patient for the neurosciences unit. "She walks, she talks, she doesn't play with her poop..." Another reminder that it could be a whole lot worse.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Monday, October 30, 2006
email update: surgery scheduled, more info
So, I'll try to reconstruct some of what I accidentally deleted last night.
First, a clarification: [Loopy] is staying in the hospital for another week at least. She is not moving to rehab tomorrow (today) but rather, *next* Monday, four days after the surgery.
And, minor news: a bed opened in the neurology unit so [Loopy] has been moved (she was parked in cardiac over the weekend); the new room number is ____, but I don't know if there's any point in trying to keep up with the numbers, since she'll be in one to two more different beds after the surgery. The room is slightly smaller but laid out better (i.e., you don't have to move every single piece of furniture in order to allow a person with walker and IV to get from the bathroom to the sink). Plus, [Loopy] says it's less tiring to not have to walk so far [to the bathroom and sink], so that's good.
People have asked how I'm holding up (thank you for your kind support!) Well, I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday (Sat) because the surgeon listed all the terrible things that could possibly go wrong and it was just a bit overwhelming; this morning, we pressed him for estimates of the likelihood of each of these terrible things and were reassured that all of them are pretty unlikely, so I've regained some semblance of rationality. :-)
The only negative thing that's likely post-surgery is a continuation--and perhaps temporary worsening--of her current problems with using and feeling her legs, to be addressed by lots o' PT. During the surgery they have to manipulate the spinal cord somewhat and it can become bruised, and while it's recovering her legs could be weaker or even paralyzed, for a period of weeks to a month or more. So we all should prepare ourselves for that possibility.
It's also possible that there will be some permanent deficits, but those are more likely to be sensory rather than motor, so PT will involve not so much learning to walk, but rather, learning how to walk without tripping over numb feet.
The PT person advised that when [Loopy] first comes home she should not try to go up and down stairs, so we will be setting up the upstairs of our house so she can basically live there. (We have considered and rejected the main level and the basement for various reasons, primarily that she wants to sleep in her own bed). We hope that visitors will be willing to trek out here, since she will undoubtedly start to get a little stir crazy in the winter months!
(With all that in mind I am trying very hard to take the advice of people who are urging me to rest a lot now, because I will be working hard once she comes home. It's hard to let go of wanting to take care of her myself all the time, but I'm doing my best - sleeping at home tonight, for example.)
So overall, there is a balance of promising and disappointing information. On the "plus" side, the long-term prognosis is very good, as I described yesterday, and very importantly, the pain should be gone immediately as soon as the tumor is removed (there will be pain from the surgery itself, but that should not be anywhere near as bad as what she's been going through). On the other hand, recovery will be a slow process and a lot of hard work.
The other thing I think I described in yesterday's deleted mail is that the surgeon, Dr. K___, is the top tumor neurosurgeon at the UW hospitals. He has his BA and MD from Harvard, a PhD from MIT, and spent a number of years teaching at USC; he's now the head of the brain tumor program at the UW and a prof of neurosurgery. (He also was a pre-med tutor in Lowell House when we were there! He actually looks pretty familiar, which is slightly odd but also irrationally comforting).
And I'll close on a humorous note... here in smallish-town midwest, nobody can pronounce the name "Dr. K____" [Chinese surname]. He has been referred to as "Dr. Cow" and "Dr. Coo," for example. For a while we actually thought that [Loopy] had two doctors named Dr. [real name] and Dr. Cow, but that highly amusing situation did not turn out to be the case.
[Loopy] greatly appreciates calls and visits. Don't be surprised to find her a bit groggy, but otherwise she's generally in fine spirits.
Love to all
[me]
First, a clarification: [Loopy] is staying in the hospital for another week at least. She is not moving to rehab tomorrow (today) but rather, *next* Monday, four days after the surgery.
And, minor news: a bed opened in the neurology unit so [Loopy] has been moved (she was parked in cardiac over the weekend); the new room number is ____, but I don't know if there's any point in trying to keep up with the numbers, since she'll be in one to two more different beds after the surgery. The room is slightly smaller but laid out better (i.e., you don't have to move every single piece of furniture in order to allow a person with walker and IV to get from the bathroom to the sink). Plus, [Loopy] says it's less tiring to not have to walk so far [to the bathroom and sink], so that's good.
People have asked how I'm holding up (thank you for your kind support!) Well, I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday (Sat) because the surgeon listed all the terrible things that could possibly go wrong and it was just a bit overwhelming; this morning, we pressed him for estimates of the likelihood of each of these terrible things and were reassured that all of them are pretty unlikely, so I've regained some semblance of rationality. :-)
The only negative thing that's likely post-surgery is a continuation--and perhaps temporary worsening--of her current problems with using and feeling her legs, to be addressed by lots o' PT. During the surgery they have to manipulate the spinal cord somewhat and it can become bruised, and while it's recovering her legs could be weaker or even paralyzed, for a period of weeks to a month or more. So we all should prepare ourselves for that possibility.
It's also possible that there will be some permanent deficits, but those are more likely to be sensory rather than motor, so PT will involve not so much learning to walk, but rather, learning how to walk without tripping over numb feet.
The PT person advised that when [Loopy] first comes home she should not try to go up and down stairs, so we will be setting up the upstairs of our house so she can basically live there. (We have considered and rejected the main level and the basement for various reasons, primarily that she wants to sleep in her own bed). We hope that visitors will be willing to trek out here, since she will undoubtedly start to get a little stir crazy in the winter months!
(With all that in mind I am trying very hard to take the advice of people who are urging me to rest a lot now, because I will be working hard once she comes home. It's hard to let go of wanting to take care of her myself all the time, but I'm doing my best - sleeping at home tonight, for example.)
So overall, there is a balance of promising and disappointing information. On the "plus" side, the long-term prognosis is very good, as I described yesterday, and very importantly, the pain should be gone immediately as soon as the tumor is removed (there will be pain from the surgery itself, but that should not be anywhere near as bad as what she's been going through). On the other hand, recovery will be a slow process and a lot of hard work.
The other thing I think I described in yesterday's deleted mail is that the surgeon, Dr. K___, is the top tumor neurosurgeon at the UW hospitals. He has his BA and MD from Harvard, a PhD from MIT, and spent a number of years teaching at USC; he's now the head of the brain tumor program at the UW and a prof of neurosurgery. (He also was a pre-med tutor in Lowell House when we were there! He actually looks pretty familiar, which is slightly odd but also irrationally comforting).
And I'll close on a humorous note... here in smallish-town midwest, nobody can pronounce the name "Dr. K____" [Chinese surname]. He has been referred to as "Dr. Cow" and "Dr. Coo," for example. For a while we actually thought that [Loopy] had two doctors named Dr. [real name] and Dr. Cow, but that highly amusing situation did not turn out to be the case.
[Loopy] greatly appreciates calls and visits. Don't be surprised to find her a bit groggy, but otherwise she's generally in fine spirits.
Love to all
[me]
pronoun problems
It has been bothering me that I have been having pronoun trouble lately, especially since we checked into the hospital Friday night (and that's not really a misuse of the pronoun, since I've been sleeping there too--not tonight tho, the foldy bed is surprisngly comfortable but I've gotta sleep in a real bed!).
In trying to talk to the nurses about what's up with Loopy I keep saying "we" all the time when "she" would be more accurate. ("We went to the doctor," "We had an MRI," etc.) I've been worrying that it's a sign of mental unhealthiness--poor boundaries or codependence or something.
Well, I feel much better now that Loopy has recorded the following in her blog: "it's only been four days since we even knew we had a tumor." I don't think I've ever gone so far as to claim any part of the actual tumor, so I feel that she has herewith taken the cake in the prounoun-confusion department, and I don't need to worry about it anymore.
In trying to talk to the nurses about what's up with Loopy I keep saying "we" all the time when "she" would be more accurate. ("We went to the doctor," "We had an MRI," etc.) I've been worrying that it's a sign of mental unhealthiness--poor boundaries or codependence or something.
Well, I feel much better now that Loopy has recorded the following in her blog: "it's only been four days since we even knew we had a tumor." I don't think I've ever gone so far as to claim any part of the actual tumor, so I feel that she has herewith taken the cake in the prounoun-confusion department, and I don't need to worry about it anymore.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
email update: surgery scheduled
dang it all..... i just deleted the thing i spent 45 minutes typing
out. shoot. i will try again tomorrow.
surgery is thursday, doctor is great, she will prob'ly be released
monday, either to home or to a rehab facility depending on how she's
doing. she'll have to do a lot of PT and OT but should be back to many
of her usual activities (including swimming & some driving) in 4-6
weeks; if all goes well she'll be back to normal (including commuting
to her field research in Chicago) in 4-6 months. which compared to a
lifetime of managing MS is not so bad.
more tomorrow
love
[me]
out. shoot. i will try again tomorrow.
surgery is thursday, doctor is great, she will prob'ly be released
monday, either to home or to a rehab facility depending on how she's
doing. she'll have to do a lot of PT and OT but should be back to many
of her usual activities (including swimming & some driving) in 4-6
weeks; if all goes well she'll be back to normal (including commuting
to her field research in Chicago) in 4-6 months. which compared to a
lifetime of managing MS is not so bad.
more tomorrow
love
[me]
email update: geting into the hospital... another story
an email sent late that night, from the hospital:
I hurriedly sent out an email earlier that went to a somewhat haphazard assortment of people, so I'll repeat myself a little for those who were accidentally omitted.
This morning we called [Loopy]'s primary care person because the pain was really bad, and since this is the third such call this week, she advised us that we really should just go to the ER and try to get her admitted to the hospital for proper pain control. We called the neurosurgeon's office and the nurse there said the same thing, so we packed and came in.
As we were packing I noticed that [Loopy] has gotten more wobbly and unsteady, and I think both of us have had a growing fear that she would fall again and really hurt herself (heaven forbid she should fall down the stairs!) or fall and not be able to get back up, and even tho she's lost more than 100 pounds in the last year, I still can't lift her! Seeing her wobbling, I became more determined to get her admitted.
The ER was a bit of an ordeal as it always is, but we persevered and insisted that she was not safe or comfortable at home. At our lowest moment I called a friend who quickly brought a wonderful dinner and absorbing gossip (thank you thank you!), and who I felt could help back us up if it really came to a fight to get her in. Fortunately, shortly after she was finally admitted to the hospital.
Now she is safely in a very nice room, private even, with wonderful nurses and a morphine pump. The pain is not bad but not totally controlled either, but they're working on it, and she doesn't have to go up and down stairs, and we both feel a lot safer and relieved of a lot of worry.
Also, in the ER we were able to talk to a resident who works with the neurosurgeon who will do [Loopy]’s surgery, and he said the surgeon said they will try to get the surgery scheduled for this week so she can just stay here until the surgery. That would be ideal.
For local folks or anyone sending anything, she's in [room number] at [hospital] - you enter in the clinics entrance from the parking garage, find the D elevator, go up to the fifth floor, and she's just a few steps from the elevator. She has a phone in her room but our cell phones work fine so just use those—[number] for me and [number] for her.
Thanks so much for all your good wishes earlier. I felt a bit desperate and panicked but now I feel much better and I think [Loopy] does too.
Will keep you posted. THere are just a few of you on this list that didn't ask to be kept posted, that I think might not have seen the message yet, but I'll drop you off the detailed updates if I don't hear otherwise, so don't worry that you'll be inundated.
Also I have gotten behind on thanking each person individually for their messages but please rest assured that your words are SO appreciated.
Love to all
[me]
I hurriedly sent out an email earlier that went to a somewhat haphazard assortment of people, so I'll repeat myself a little for those who were accidentally omitted.
This morning we called [Loopy]'s primary care person because the pain was really bad, and since this is the third such call this week, she advised us that we really should just go to the ER and try to get her admitted to the hospital for proper pain control. We called the neurosurgeon's office and the nurse there said the same thing, so we packed and came in.
As we were packing I noticed that [Loopy] has gotten more wobbly and unsteady, and I think both of us have had a growing fear that she would fall again and really hurt herself (heaven forbid she should fall down the stairs!) or fall and not be able to get back up, and even tho she's lost more than 100 pounds in the last year, I still can't lift her! Seeing her wobbling, I became more determined to get her admitted.
The ER was a bit of an ordeal as it always is, but we persevered and insisted that she was not safe or comfortable at home. At our lowest moment I called a friend who quickly brought a wonderful dinner and absorbing gossip (thank you thank you!), and who I felt could help back us up if it really came to a fight to get her in. Fortunately, shortly after she was finally admitted to the hospital.
Now she is safely in a very nice room, private even, with wonderful nurses and a morphine pump. The pain is not bad but not totally controlled either, but they're working on it, and she doesn't have to go up and down stairs, and we both feel a lot safer and relieved of a lot of worry.
Also, in the ER we were able to talk to a resident who works with the neurosurgeon who will do [Loopy]’s surgery, and he said the surgeon said they will try to get the surgery scheduled for this week so she can just stay here until the surgery. That would be ideal.
For local folks or anyone sending anything, she's in [room number] at [hospital] - you enter in the clinics entrance from the parking garage, find the D elevator, go up to the fifth floor, and she's just a few steps from the elevator. She has a phone in her room but our cell phones work fine so just use those—[number] for me and [number] for her.
Thanks so much for all your good wishes earlier. I felt a bit desperate and panicked but now I feel much better and I think [Loopy] does too.
Will keep you posted. THere are just a few of you on this list that didn't ask to be kept posted, that I think might not have seen the message yet, but I'll drop you off the detailed updates if I don't hear otherwise, so don't worry that you'll be inundated.
Also I have gotten behind on thanking each person individually for their messages but please rest assured that your words are SO appreciated.
Love to all
[me]
Friday, October 27, 2006
email update: leaving for the hospital
two years later, i'm going back and weaving the emails i sent to family and friends into the story. emails (all added later) will be marked as such; blog posts written at the time, will appear as they always did, with no special marker. this way i'll have a full record in one place...
here's the email I sent to people as we left the house:
taking [Loopy] to the ER on the advice of her doctors, as we can't control the pain and the other symptoms are worsening. they may send her home but anyway, all contributions are welcome, as [Amerina's mother] would say--prayers, white light, positive thoughts... well... no animal sacrifices please but anything else... :-) will let local folks know
as more concrete needs arise.
thanks for being there, this is really a nightmare.
love
[me]
referred pain
so the reason they took so long to find Loopy's "mass" (i.e., tumor) is that it is much higher than her pain. pain often refers downwards... (as more and more of us no doubt are starting to learn as we all get older!). the doctor said it was just barely above the area scanned in the first MRI... just pure bad luck.
many years ago i read Daughters, by Paule Marshall, a wonderful wonderful book that I highly recommend. most of her characters are Caribbeans of African descent, but one of the few white characters is a sort of do-gooder who travels all over the world helping people. at the end of the book he turns out to have been abused as a child, and it is explained that he was searching for a vicarious outlet for his own pain. now, of course, people help others for many different reasons, but this really struck a chord in me and started me thinking in many ways that have been very fruitful...
certainly, helping others out of a need to displace my own pain, is not nearly so positive, effective, satisfying and genuine as helping others from genuine empathy, which I've only learned to feel in the last decade or so....
tonight as i drove home i thought about the fact that for some reason, after our garbage was emptied yesterday, someone (either the workers or some passer-by) turned the can upside down and left the lid lying nearby. this is weird and i've never seen it before, on my verge or anyone else's. i started wondering if neighbor kids were pulling some kind of prank (these are the kids who kept stealing our mailbox, which is why we now have a P.O. box). suddenly i became convinced that there was something truly awful and horrifying under the garbage can, and became really terrified of lifting it up.
it's been so long since i've had such a stark fear of something so obviously imaginary, that it stopped me in my tracks and seemed very clear that i was really afraid of something else. i asked myself what, precisely, i thought was under that can. some awful thing... some bloodied, broken thing... a dead thing.
i had to smile. not very subtle, eh. ok, so, i'm afraid of death, Loopy's of course, but i put it under the garbage can instead. *sigh*
still i drove past it and left it there. i'll lift it up in the daylight...
many years ago i read Daughters, by Paule Marshall, a wonderful wonderful book that I highly recommend. most of her characters are Caribbeans of African descent, but one of the few white characters is a sort of do-gooder who travels all over the world helping people. at the end of the book he turns out to have been abused as a child, and it is explained that he was searching for a vicarious outlet for his own pain. now, of course, people help others for many different reasons, but this really struck a chord in me and started me thinking in many ways that have been very fruitful...
certainly, helping others out of a need to displace my own pain, is not nearly so positive, effective, satisfying and genuine as helping others from genuine empathy, which I've only learned to feel in the last decade or so....
tonight as i drove home i thought about the fact that for some reason, after our garbage was emptied yesterday, someone (either the workers or some passer-by) turned the can upside down and left the lid lying nearby. this is weird and i've never seen it before, on my verge or anyone else's. i started wondering if neighbor kids were pulling some kind of prank (these are the kids who kept stealing our mailbox, which is why we now have a P.O. box). suddenly i became convinced that there was something truly awful and horrifying under the garbage can, and became really terrified of lifting it up.
it's been so long since i've had such a stark fear of something so obviously imaginary, that it stopped me in my tracks and seemed very clear that i was really afraid of something else. i asked myself what, precisely, i thought was under that can. some awful thing... some bloodied, broken thing... a dead thing.
i had to smile. not very subtle, eh. ok, so, i'm afraid of death, Loopy's of course, but i put it under the garbage can instead. *sigh*
still i drove past it and left it there. i'll lift it up in the daylight...
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Loopy-Loopy dialogue #74,438
I googled "intradural extramedullary" (see below) and it called it a "mass" rather than a tumor.
Me: Loopy, it's not a tumor, it's a mass.
Loopy: A mass? A mass of what?
Me (thinking of an episode of Blackadder* that I watched with Nadine a million years ago): Maybe it's an oppressed mass.
Loopy: I have The People in my back.
Stay tuned for more humor that's only funny to us!
Me: Loopy, it's not a tumor, it's a mass.
Loopy: A mass? A mass of what?
Me (thinking of an episode of Blackadder* that I watched with Nadine a million years ago): Maybe it's an oppressed mass.
Loopy: I have The People in my back.
Stay tuned for more humor that's only funny to us!
*transcript for your edification:
Edmund (to Prince George): ...Next week is your royal father's birthday celebrations. I suggest that I write a brilliant speech for you to recite to show the oppressed masses how unusually sensitive you are.
Prince George: Well, tell me about these "oppressed masses", what are they so worked up about?
Edmund: They're worked up, sir, because they're so poor, they're forced to have children simply to provide a cheap alternative to turkey at Christmas. Disease and depravation stalk our land like.. two giant.. stalking things. And the working man is poised to overthrow us.
(Baldrick enters carrying a mop.)
Prince George: Oh my God, and here he is!
Edmund: Don't be silly, sir. That's Baldrick, my dogsbody.
Prince George: What's silly about that? He looks like an oppressed mass to me. Get him out of here at once!
going somewhere else instead
Loopy had another MRI last night and the doctor called immediately to say that she needs surgery ASAP. Apparently she has a tumor in the soft tissue of her spinal canal--it's an intradural extramedullary tumor, if you want to look it up. :-)
He said there are no guarantees, but he sees one or two things like this every year and most of the time they are benign, and just removing them clears up the symptoms and then everything will be fine. So, the outlook is fairly positive.
When he first called he just said it was a tumor in the spine, and we were more scared because there are several kinds of tumors, and some of them are malignant and some are metastases from other tumors in the lung, breast, or brain. But it looks like it's not any of those. Most likely anyway.
She has a Tuesday appointment with a neurosurgeon, who incidentally attended the same undergraduate institution as I did, graduating in 1989, so for a year we were there at the same time. I find this comforting and I find it odd that I find it comforting. It's as if he's an old friend. Even though there were plenty of people there that I hated. :-P He got his MD from the same place and has a PhD from MIT, did a stint at USC and is the head of the brain tumor program at the UW. He also teaches neurosurgery; they say get a teacher, that's the best because they're up-to-date. So that's good.
So the Iran trip is off. Part of me never believed I was going, and most of me really wanted to stay here with Loopy and take care of her, especially as she's been getting worse and worse every day. :-(
Now, if only the part of me that wanted to stay and take care of her had taken out some kind of travel insurance, things would be even rosier. But at the moment I don't really care. Iran will always be there, but I only have one Loopy, as one friend said this morning. :-)
Now we're contemplating what to do tonight; I'm thinking I'll run down to our local bait/ammo/liquor/video store (yes, we live in a VERY small town; the other major retail establishment is the hardware store & taxidermist) and get some DVDs to cheer us up. :-)
He said there are no guarantees, but he sees one or two things like this every year and most of the time they are benign, and just removing them clears up the symptoms and then everything will be fine. So, the outlook is fairly positive.
When he first called he just said it was a tumor in the spine, and we were more scared because there are several kinds of tumors, and some of them are malignant and some are metastases from other tumors in the lung, breast, or brain. But it looks like it's not any of those. Most likely anyway.
She has a Tuesday appointment with a neurosurgeon, who incidentally attended the same undergraduate institution as I did, graduating in 1989, so for a year we were there at the same time. I find this comforting and I find it odd that I find it comforting. It's as if he's an old friend. Even though there were plenty of people there that I hated. :-P He got his MD from the same place and has a PhD from MIT, did a stint at USC and is the head of the brain tumor program at the UW. He also teaches neurosurgery; they say get a teacher, that's the best because they're up-to-date. So that's good.
So the Iran trip is off. Part of me never believed I was going, and most of me really wanted to stay here with Loopy and take care of her, especially as she's been getting worse and worse every day. :-(
Now, if only the part of me that wanted to stay and take care of her had taken out some kind of travel insurance, things would be even rosier. But at the moment I don't really care. Iran will always be there, but I only have one Loopy, as one friend said this morning. :-)
Now we're contemplating what to do tonight; I'm thinking I'll run down to our local bait/ammo/liquor/video store (yes, we live in a VERY small town; the other major retail establishment is the hardware store & taxidermist) and get some DVDs to cheer us up. :-)
Sunday, October 22, 2006
on a more cheerful, or perhaps macabre, note
Loopy on the phone to her sister, overheard....
"So the next thing is I have to have an MRI on my brain to see if I have any illusions."
(I know she said "lesions," but wouldn't it be funny if you could get an MRI to see if you had any illusions?)
(Ok, maybe it's just funny if "lesions" has become a normal part of your daily vocabulary... never mind).
"So the next thing is I have to have an MRI on my brain to see if I have any illusions."
(I know she said "lesions," but wouldn't it be funny if you could get an MRI to see if you had any illusions?)
(Ok, maybe it's just funny if "lesions" has become a normal part of your daily vocabulary... never mind).
what is the weather like?
i set up an RSS feed for the weather reports from four cities I'll be spending the most time in in Iran... the weather reports come in regularly and i scan them obsessively, trying to make sense of the information....
i realize that i'm trying to predict the future, trying to be Fully Prepared, trying to defend myself against the unknown. i don't know how to dress in that climate and under those dress code laws. i'm afraid i'll be hot and sweaty and stink; i'm afraid i'll be cold and miserable and get sick. i'm afraid, i'm afraid, i'm afraid. it's a theme of my life.
it could be a trip to Iran or to Madison, to the post office here in our small town--anything can kick off that anxiety--what if i don't bring the right things, what if i forget something, what if my back hurts, what if i'm hungry and there's nothing to eat.
huh. i guess it's kind of obvious why this makes me late. on some level i'm afraid to leave home because what if i have a need and it's not filled?
i know what my (baby beginner) buddhist training says to this, but for once, i feel that it's perhaps kinder to me to tell those voices to be quiet and just have some compassion for this profound anxiety that makes all my bones hurt.
when i write that i start to cry.
i realize that i'm trying to predict the future, trying to be Fully Prepared, trying to defend myself against the unknown. i don't know how to dress in that climate and under those dress code laws. i'm afraid i'll be hot and sweaty and stink; i'm afraid i'll be cold and miserable and get sick. i'm afraid, i'm afraid, i'm afraid. it's a theme of my life.
it could be a trip to Iran or to Madison, to the post office here in our small town--anything can kick off that anxiety--what if i don't bring the right things, what if i forget something, what if my back hurts, what if i'm hungry and there's nothing to eat.
huh. i guess it's kind of obvious why this makes me late. on some level i'm afraid to leave home because what if i have a need and it's not filled?
i know what my (baby beginner) buddhist training says to this, but for once, i feel that it's perhaps kinder to me to tell those voices to be quiet and just have some compassion for this profound anxiety that makes all my bones hurt.
when i write that i start to cry.
Eşfahān, IRN - Weather via MSN WeatherCurrent Conditions (as of 4:20 PM) Today: Cloudy. More information at MSN Weather |
Lo: 50F. Hi: 76F. Chance of precipitation: 40%
Lo: 46F. Hi: 73F. Chance of precipitation: 30%
Lo: 45F. Hi: 74F. Chance of precipitation: 45%
Lo: 46F. Hi: 74F. Chance of precipitation: 20%Saturday, October 21, 2006
some heavy stuff
So, I want to go to sleep here so I won't write much... but... as we run the gauntlet of doctor's visits, tests, treatments, and multiple trips to the pharmacy for all manner of pills and potions, it starts to seem to the doctors that Loopy's main problem is not her back.
The numbness in her feet has spread up her legs to her hips, and now her legs feel weak and shaky a lot of the time, and she has trouble picking up her feet all the way when walking. I've been walking alongside her mostly and catching her when she trips, but tonight she tried to navigate the gym on her own and fell full length on the concrete by the pool. We joke about it ("that mean bad concrete came up and whapped me in the face!") but it sucks.
So the spine specialist seems to be giving up and sending her back to the primary doctor to look for another source of the problem. The primary doctor says she's starting to suspect it could be MS. This was kind of a shock for me but Loopy said she's been suspecting it for a while.
I didn't post on here after first hearing that (which was, uh, Monday), because I thought she was going to have a test on Wednesday that would clarify the situation, but it turned out that that wasn't that test. So we're still in limbo and it starts to seem like we'll be here for a while. So we're sort of settling in to manage the symptoms and navigate the system.
In case it's not obvious, don't mention this to anyone in her department (aside from the friends who read this blog). If she does get the MS diagnosis (or some other diagnosis) she will then be able to figure out how to deal with it in career terms.
I have to say that as diagnoses go, while MS would suck, a lot, it's not as scary as some other possibilities. Worst case scenario would be a brain tumor, but as the doctor says, let's not go there yet—that's several steps down the line. Diabetes and leukemia have already been ruled out and I'm happy about that. The really nasty auto-immune disorders like lupus and ALS have not been totally ruled out, but according to the doctor, a particular blood test result makes them somewhat unlikely.
One thing that would be worse than MS (in my perhaps ill-informed opinion) would be one of those awful debilitating syndromes that half the doctors don't believe exists—like fibromyalgia, Epstein-Barr, chronic fatigue, etc. At least MS is visible on an MRI and therefore "respectable." (Here I am blowing a big kiss to our friend J who soldiers on with fibromyalgia despite the attitude of some in the medical profession, and is even now cutting her second album!)
As this little discourse makes clear we are adjusting to this new space, of tests and diagnoses, and not knowing, and waiting to see what happens next. We cherish each other and are so grateful that OLIF helped us get our marriage into such a good place before this happened.
In this context I thought a lot about cancelling my trip to Iran and basically I really wanted to, still want to, a little—it kills me to think she'll be carrying on with this process, the doctors and tests and so on, while I'm half a world away—that I won't be here for her and with her at such a crucial time.
But, OLIF, Loopy, and Loopy's doctor all urge me to go, as I will no doubt enjoy it and find it restorative and wonderful, and may not have another opportunity, who knows. Our wonderful, wonderful friend Miri has agreed to stay here and chauffeur Loopy around in exchange for the use of the car to go see Miri's new not-yet-a-boyfriend (keep us posted!) in Milwaukee on weekends. So Loopy will be safe and cared for. Just not by me.
"I feel like I'm abandoning you and letting you down," I say.
"Those are just your feelings. I don't feel that way at all," she says.
So I feel a bit as though the trip is sort of a river that's sweeping me along willy-nilly.... I rededicate myself to learning Farsi and seriously commit to getting the house etc in order for my absence.
*sigh*
The numbness in her feet has spread up her legs to her hips, and now her legs feel weak and shaky a lot of the time, and she has trouble picking up her feet all the way when walking. I've been walking alongside her mostly and catching her when she trips, but tonight she tried to navigate the gym on her own and fell full length on the concrete by the pool. We joke about it ("that mean bad concrete came up and whapped me in the face!") but it sucks.
So the spine specialist seems to be giving up and sending her back to the primary doctor to look for another source of the problem. The primary doctor says she's starting to suspect it could be MS. This was kind of a shock for me but Loopy said she's been suspecting it for a while.
I didn't post on here after first hearing that (which was, uh, Monday), because I thought she was going to have a test on Wednesday that would clarify the situation, but it turned out that that wasn't that test. So we're still in limbo and it starts to seem like we'll be here for a while. So we're sort of settling in to manage the symptoms and navigate the system.
In case it's not obvious, don't mention this to anyone in her department (aside from the friends who read this blog). If she does get the MS diagnosis (or some other diagnosis) she will then be able to figure out how to deal with it in career terms.
I have to say that as diagnoses go, while MS would suck, a lot, it's not as scary as some other possibilities. Worst case scenario would be a brain tumor, but as the doctor says, let's not go there yet—that's several steps down the line. Diabetes and leukemia have already been ruled out and I'm happy about that. The really nasty auto-immune disorders like lupus and ALS have not been totally ruled out, but according to the doctor, a particular blood test result makes them somewhat unlikely.
One thing that would be worse than MS (in my perhaps ill-informed opinion) would be one of those awful debilitating syndromes that half the doctors don't believe exists—like fibromyalgia, Epstein-Barr, chronic fatigue, etc. At least MS is visible on an MRI and therefore "respectable." (Here I am blowing a big kiss to our friend J who soldiers on with fibromyalgia despite the attitude of some in the medical profession, and is even now cutting her second album!)
As this little discourse makes clear we are adjusting to this new space, of tests and diagnoses, and not knowing, and waiting to see what happens next. We cherish each other and are so grateful that OLIF helped us get our marriage into such a good place before this happened.
In this context I thought a lot about cancelling my trip to Iran and basically I really wanted to, still want to, a little—it kills me to think she'll be carrying on with this process, the doctors and tests and so on, while I'm half a world away—that I won't be here for her and with her at such a crucial time.
But, OLIF, Loopy, and Loopy's doctor all urge me to go, as I will no doubt enjoy it and find it restorative and wonderful, and may not have another opportunity, who knows. Our wonderful, wonderful friend Miri has agreed to stay here and chauffeur Loopy around in exchange for the use of the car to go see Miri's new not-yet-a-boyfriend (keep us posted!) in Milwaukee on weekends. So Loopy will be safe and cared for. Just not by me.
"I feel like I'm abandoning you and letting you down," I say.
"Those are just your feelings. I don't feel that way at all," she says.
So I feel a bit as though the trip is sort of a river that's sweeping me along willy-nilly.... I rededicate myself to learning Farsi and seriously commit to getting the house etc in order for my absence.
*sigh*
Saturday, October 14, 2006
modest Barbie*
So in preparation for going to Iran, at first I was focused on learning to speak Farsi and trying to memorize the extremely complicated history (despite its geography, the area now encompassed by Iran seems to have spent most of history belonging to two or three separate empires which periodically conquered each other).
But as the actual trip approaches I've become more and more obsessed with figuring out what to wear. At left: my visa photo!
In photos I've seen of women in Tehran, they have their scarves way back on their heads (perhaps a political as well as fashion statement). They look elegant and suave and I have no idea how those scarves stay on there. (Look at that photo at right!
How do they do that???? For me, it would take a hundered bobby pins to make anything stay at that angle!)**
Meanwhile, in photos of foreigners in Iran, the women always look makeshift and ridiculous. At first my search for things to wear was based on not looking ridiculous.
"I don't need to make a statement with my clothes," I reasoned. "If something more conservative is easier to wear and looks better, I don't mind looking more conservative." See photo below left--that thing's not coming off--no way, no worries!*** But as I googled more and more the political import started to feel unavoidable and now I don't know what I think....
Also, the concern with not looking ridiculous started to be superseded by several practical questions, such as the scarf question above, and perhaps most importantly, how do you dress in layers for changeable autumn weather (low 45/high 85) if you can't take off the layer that comes down to your knees?
What was interesting was that as I googled around looking at all the things I could wear, and as I started to think within the "logic" of the system--about when and how I would be able to adjust how many layers I was wearing--I was really struck by the fact that you're covering up skin as though protecting it from biting wind or cold or something....but actually you're just protecting it from a maelstrom of dangerous eyes...
And as I kept googling I came across all kinds of things....
Here are some instructions for putting on the three most common types of headwear, which cleared up a lot of mysteries for me. (The short answer: pins).
Here is a swimsuit.... not guaranteed by any clerical source, but I can't imagine how it could not be acceptable; what else could possibly be covered??
And, articles written by women about bravely flouting the dress code in Iran and about deepening your faith through covering up....
History? What history? And I haven't looked at my Farsi flash cards in days. Clearly my priorities are sliding totally askew.
And finally, my mother's contribution to this endeavor:
"So in case you get totally fed up with the scarf, I sent you a baklava that you can wear instead..."
"Ma, if I wore a baklava on my head, honeyed syrup would get in my eyes."
"You know what I mean [anyone else's mother would have added, "Ms. Smarty-pants"]. I sent you one because I know my hair is so slippery I would never be able to get the scarf to stay on."
Thanks Mom.... I think I'll have to be pretty desperate to wear this.... but I'll take it along because, after all, you never know. Those eyeball-maelstroms can be pretty fierce after all..
* Title is a reference to this news story which infuriated Loopy at the time and still does.
** Photo of women looking up is by Azadeh Asaran on Flickr
*** Photo of woman in white is by Hamed Saber on Flickr.
But as the actual trip approaches I've become more and more obsessed with figuring out what to wear. At left: my visa photo!In photos I've seen of women in Tehran, they have their scarves way back on their heads (perhaps a political as well as fashion statement). They look elegant and suave and I have no idea how those scarves stay on there. (Look at that photo at right!
How do they do that???? For me, it would take a hundered bobby pins to make anything stay at that angle!)** Meanwhile, in photos of foreigners in Iran, the women always look makeshift and ridiculous. At first my search for things to wear was based on not looking ridiculous.
"I don't need to make a statement with my clothes," I reasoned. "If something more conservative is easier to wear and looks better, I don't mind looking more conservative." See photo below left--that thing's not coming off--no way, no worries!*** But as I googled more and more the political import started to feel unavoidable and now I don't know what I think....
Also, the concern with not looking ridiculous started to be superseded by several practical questions, such as the scarf question above, and perhaps most importantly, how do you dress in layers for changeable autumn weather (low 45/high 85) if you can't take off the layer that comes down to your knees?
(I mean, if your long layer is a coat and you have a wool sweater underneath, you can't take off the coat to remove the sweater. So if you make the long layer something that goes under the sweater, what is it? And do you wear the same one every day, in which case you have to wear something else under it (more layers, ack!) or do you buy a different one for every day and at the end are left with a stack of tunics or something silly like that?)
What was interesting was that as I googled around looking at all the things I could wear, and as I started to think within the "logic" of the system--about when and how I would be able to adjust how many layers I was wearing--I was really struck by the fact that you're covering up skin as though protecting it from biting wind or cold or something....but actually you're just protecting it from a maelstrom of dangerous eyes...
And as I kept googling I came across all kinds of things....
Here are some instructions for putting on the three most common types of headwear, which cleared up a lot of mysteries for me. (The short answer: pins).
Here is a swimsuit.... not guaranteed by any clerical source, but I can't imagine how it could not be acceptable; what else could possibly be covered??
And, articles written by women about bravely flouting the dress code in Iran and about deepening your faith through covering up....
History? What history? And I haven't looked at my Farsi flash cards in days. Clearly my priorities are sliding totally askew.
And finally, my mother's contribution to this endeavor:
"So in case you get totally fed up with the scarf, I sent you a baklava that you can wear instead..."
"Ma, if I wore a baklava on my head, honeyed syrup would get in my eyes."
"You know what I mean [anyone else's mother would have added, "Ms. Smarty-pants"]. I sent you one because I know my hair is so slippery I would never be able to get the scarf to stay on."
Thanks Mom.... I think I'll have to be pretty desperate to wear this.... but I'll take it along because, after all, you never know. Those eyeball-maelstroms can be pretty fierce after all..
* Title is a reference to this news story which infuriated Loopy at the time and still does.
** Photo of women looking up is by Azadeh Asaran on Flickr
*** Photo of woman in white is by Hamed Saber on Flickr.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
tenterhooks
waiting waiting waiting to hear about the job... it's driving me nuts, i haven't been able to sleep, my shoulder is cramping up, i feel depressed as though i've already been rejected...
as i told Nadine earlier via IM (now that she's moved to Singapore, our schedules are much more in sync than they were when she was in Seattle! I'm hanging out in the evening while her daughter has a late morning nap, so, IMing galore! go figure!)...
i brought in a big bundle of anxieties to OLIF (therapist) and asked him to make me feel better, and he basically said, "you're not supposed to feel better, you're feeling what you're feeling--you're doing great! keep it up!"
what a concept.
he also advised me to take good care of myself, that it's a difficult time.
so with all this in mind, i almost started to feel oddly cheerful and carefree in a weird way. i had lunch with a new friend and then wandered through a sort of semi-new-age bookstore, where I picked up a book of 101 lesbian sexual positions (who knew that they sold that kind of thing at the new age bookstore??) and a book by one of my favorite Buddhist authors, Cheri Huber--The Fear Book. (I already have The Depression Book--good stuff!)
Here's what Cheri says about fear on the very first page:
That might as well have been written directly in repsonse to my anxieties of this week ..... and when OLIF and Cheri Huber agree, there's nothing to do but submit.
as i told Nadine earlier via IM (now that she's moved to Singapore, our schedules are much more in sync than they were when she was in Seattle! I'm hanging out in the evening while her daughter has a late morning nap, so, IMing galore! go figure!)...
i brought in a big bundle of anxieties to OLIF (therapist) and asked him to make me feel better, and he basically said, "you're not supposed to feel better, you're feeling what you're feeling--you're doing great! keep it up!"
what a concept.
he also advised me to take good care of myself, that it's a difficult time.
so with all this in mind, i almost started to feel oddly cheerful and carefree in a weird way. i had lunch with a new friend and then wandered through a sort of semi-new-age bookstore, where I picked up a book of 101 lesbian sexual positions (who knew that they sold that kind of thing at the new age bookstore??) and a book by one of my favorite Buddhist authors, Cheri Huber--The Fear Book. (I already have The Depression Book--good stuff!)
Here's what Cheri says about fear on the very first page:
Fear is not what you think it is.
Fear is not who you are underneath your facade. Fear is not the real you that you must somehow fix or improve or overcome.
Fear is a very useful signal along the path to freedom. The stronger the fear, the closer you are to what you are seeking. If you want to stay "safe" (i.e., stuck where you are), fear tells you to stop what you are doing. But if you want to be free, fear lets you know you are on the right track, it is a signal to push ahead in the same direction, to pick up the pace.
That might as well have been written directly in repsonse to my anxieties of this week ..... and when OLIF and Cheri Huber agree, there's nothing to do but submit.
Monday, October 09, 2006
hamster wheel, a.k.a. samsara
so, second interview today.
talked to OLIF (therapist) three, maybe four times yesterday. he kept telling me to stop compulsively revising & printing out more lesson plans, and instead, to meditate, exercise, go to bed on time, get up on time, and be relaxed, rested, and fully present for the interview.
i didn't listen.
i printed out a stack of lesson plans about two inches thick, complete with cover sheets and various introductory notes. i stayed up til 2 am doing this (after promising OLIF at 11 that I would be in bed within 10 mintues). i was almost late to the interview. i was stressed and wired and tired. i wasn't "fully present."
i don't think i blew it—three-quarters of me is still not half bad, and i think it would take a lot to undermine the positive impression of the first interview. plus, i caught a glimpse of another interviewee and she looked about twelve years old.
but still. it could have been so much better. i'm having trouble letting go of all the feelings this conjures up, even though i know rationally it's not a big deal.
there's a lot more to obsess about, but, lucky for you, i'm too exhausted by all the obsessing to write it all down here.
on the plus side, i asked my potential new boss if she would mind if I went to Iran, and she was like, heck no, please go—we'll all benefit from it. and, on the same day, my visa came through. so now i'm really going. i'm kind of scared now that it's really gonna happen. don't tell Loopy though.
Loopy's back was really really bad today. on the plus side, a friend has said she'll consider staying with Loopy while I'm in Iran if the back situation doesn't improve. which is a load off my mind, or will be if she decides to do it (no pressure, o friend! ;-) ).
talked to OLIF (therapist) three, maybe four times yesterday. he kept telling me to stop compulsively revising & printing out more lesson plans, and instead, to meditate, exercise, go to bed on time, get up on time, and be relaxed, rested, and fully present for the interview.
i didn't listen.
i printed out a stack of lesson plans about two inches thick, complete with cover sheets and various introductory notes. i stayed up til 2 am doing this (after promising OLIF at 11 that I would be in bed within 10 mintues). i was almost late to the interview. i was stressed and wired and tired. i wasn't "fully present."
i don't think i blew it—three-quarters of me is still not half bad, and i think it would take a lot to undermine the positive impression of the first interview. plus, i caught a glimpse of another interviewee and she looked about twelve years old.
but still. it could have been so much better. i'm having trouble letting go of all the feelings this conjures up, even though i know rationally it's not a big deal.
there's a lot more to obsess about, but, lucky for you, i'm too exhausted by all the obsessing to write it all down here.
on the plus side, i asked my potential new boss if she would mind if I went to Iran, and she was like, heck no, please go—we'll all benefit from it. and, on the same day, my visa came through. so now i'm really going. i'm kind of scared now that it's really gonna happen. don't tell Loopy though.
Loopy's back was really really bad today. on the plus side, a friend has said she'll consider staying with Loopy while I'm in Iran if the back situation doesn't improve. which is a load off my mind, or will be if she decides to do it (no pressure, o friend! ;-) ).
Sunday, October 08, 2006
and some bad news...
Loopy's back is really bad again. I hate that she's in so much pain and I can't do anything about it. It's crushingly disappointing that Thursday's procedure has not yet produced a miraculous recovery. They said it could take two to five days for results to become apparent... it's only been three days, so, it could still happen. But after the little blip of hope on Friday it's even more depressing and seems even more endless.
"bulldog" mix on my ipod
"Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted
One moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip?"
- "Lose Yourself," Eminem
"I get knocked down, but I get up again
you're never gonna keep me down..."
- "Tubthumping," Chumbawumba
"As long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive"
- "I will survive," Gloria Gaynor
"They say in Harlan County there are no neutrals there
You'll either be a union man or a thug for J.H. Blair.
Which side are you on?"
- "Which Side Are You On?" Florence Reece (sung by Pete Seeger)
"People people let’s start together let’s do it right now,
People people let’s love one another I know we know how."
- "Migra," Santana
I put this mix on to encourage me and make me feel tough and ready, as I panic about the interview tomorrow and try to get my materials ready for it. (Why isn't "Eye of the Tiger" on here?)
But, as I type the Eminem lyrics, I consider that, from a Buddhist perspective, buying into hope means buying into fear.
The idea that this is "the best job ever," and the desperate hope to land it, just creates the illusion that if I don't get it, it's all over. This isn't really true at all, nor is it the sanest or most helpful approach.
Maybe that's why I put Tracy Chapman's "Heaven's Here on Earth" on this mix.
"We are the spirit the collective conscience
We create the pain and the suffering and the beauty in this world
Heaven's here on earth
In our faith in humankind
In our respect for what is earthly
In our unfaltering belief in peace and love and understanding
Look around
Believe in what you see
The kingdom is at hand
The promised land is at your feet...."
And as the other songs rotate through I realize that all but the Eminem song really do convey a bigger perspective that is as applicable to getting the job as to not getting it.
If I don't get the job, "I will survive," "I get up again," I'm still on the "right" side of the fight, and "the promised land" is still at my feet.
The anxiety drains away as I feel that I will be okay either way. Back to work.
To seize everything you ever wanted
One moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip?"
- "Lose Yourself," Eminem
"I get knocked down, but I get up again
you're never gonna keep me down..."
- "Tubthumping," Chumbawumba
"As long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive"
- "I will survive," Gloria Gaynor
"They say in Harlan County there are no neutrals there
You'll either be a union man or a thug for J.H. Blair.
Which side are you on?"
- "Which Side Are You On?" Florence Reece (sung by Pete Seeger)
"People people let’s start together let’s do it right now,
People people let’s love one another I know we know how."
- "Migra," Santana
I put this mix on to encourage me and make me feel tough and ready, as I panic about the interview tomorrow and try to get my materials ready for it. (Why isn't "Eye of the Tiger" on here?)
But, as I type the Eminem lyrics, I consider that, from a Buddhist perspective, buying into hope means buying into fear.
The idea that this is "the best job ever," and the desperate hope to land it, just creates the illusion that if I don't get it, it's all over. This isn't really true at all, nor is it the sanest or most helpful approach.
Maybe that's why I put Tracy Chapman's "Heaven's Here on Earth" on this mix.
"We are the spirit the collective conscience
We create the pain and the suffering and the beauty in this world
Heaven's here on earth
In our faith in humankind
In our respect for what is earthly
In our unfaltering belief in peace and love and understanding
Look around
Believe in what you see
The kingdom is at hand
The promised land is at your feet...."
And as the other songs rotate through I realize that all but the Eminem song really do convey a bigger perspective that is as applicable to getting the job as to not getting it.
If I don't get the job, "I will survive," "I get up again," I'm still on the "right" side of the fight, and "the promised land" is still at my feet.
The anxiety drains away as I feel that I will be okay either way. Back to work.
Saturday, October 07, 2006
and the good news continues!
so before I even had a chance to blog about how great my interview went yesterday, they called me back for a second interview! monday at 10 am! and this time I'm supposed to bring some lesson plans and stuff like that! I'm so excited!
so this is kind of anti-climactic, but, by the way, my interview went great yesterday. :-)
The oddest thing is that it was really, really fun! I know, right, whoever heard of an interview being fun? For one thing, I made jokes and they loved them. One of the questions was, "how do you motivate students to work beyond their comfort level?" Totally deadpan, I responded, "I threaten them with corporal punishment." The guy who asked the question broke into a huge grin and said, "all right, all right!" in a great Southern accent, and they made some comments to each other about how I would fit right in.
They asked when I could start and I said, "tomorrow." "How about yesterday?" was the response. Again, deadpan, I said, "oh, no, I'm busy yesterday." They loved that too.
The coolest thing is that everyone I've met from this place just seems totally, totally cool. Completely right-on. I've immediately liked everyone I met. They all seem totally without pretense or BS, comfortable, kind, caring, and very importantly, cheerful in a not-forced, not-fake kind of way, like they like their work. Most of the people in the interview had been there twenty years or more.
I hope I still get to go to Iran, but I hope even more that I get this job.
It feels really right and the best thing is, it feels like a good fit. I feel like I have done all the things that are being asked of me, I know how to do them, I've done them before, I'm good at them. It's totally different from most if not all of my previous jobs where I've over-sold myself and had to scramble to live up to the interview. I don't feel like I have to do the hardest thing. This work will be good work and it will be challenging but at a good level for me.
My biggest fear/concern is keeping my life sane. Not letting the job eat all my free time and sanity and all the mental health I've struggled to gain.
In Miriam's writing class I discovered that on some level I am terrified of and opposed to taking any job, that I just want to hide in my house for the rest of my life (not that that wasn't obvious from the way I've lived the last two years of my life!) So I don't want to disrespect or ignore those feelings. But I do want to forge ahead anyway....
Loopy's back didn't hurt AT ALL today!!!! WOW!!!! it's too soon to be sure yesterday's procedure worked, and it's not just the lingering anesthesia--and even if it did work we don't know how long it will continue to work..... but, fingers crossed...
Very exciting! she might have her life back soon! i already feel like i have my wife back! Yay!
Yesterday was a very long day tho! Whew!
so this is kind of anti-climactic, but, by the way, my interview went great yesterday. :-)
The oddest thing is that it was really, really fun! I know, right, whoever heard of an interview being fun? For one thing, I made jokes and they loved them. One of the questions was, "how do you motivate students to work beyond their comfort level?" Totally deadpan, I responded, "I threaten them with corporal punishment." The guy who asked the question broke into a huge grin and said, "all right, all right!" in a great Southern accent, and they made some comments to each other about how I would fit right in.
They asked when I could start and I said, "tomorrow." "How about yesterday?" was the response. Again, deadpan, I said, "oh, no, I'm busy yesterday." They loved that too.
The coolest thing is that everyone I've met from this place just seems totally, totally cool. Completely right-on. I've immediately liked everyone I met. They all seem totally without pretense or BS, comfortable, kind, caring, and very importantly, cheerful in a not-forced, not-fake kind of way, like they like their work. Most of the people in the interview had been there twenty years or more.
I hope I still get to go to Iran, but I hope even more that I get this job.
It feels really right and the best thing is, it feels like a good fit. I feel like I have done all the things that are being asked of me, I know how to do them, I've done them before, I'm good at them. It's totally different from most if not all of my previous jobs where I've over-sold myself and had to scramble to live up to the interview. I don't feel like I have to do the hardest thing. This work will be good work and it will be challenging but at a good level for me.
My biggest fear/concern is keeping my life sane. Not letting the job eat all my free time and sanity and all the mental health I've struggled to gain.
In Miriam's writing class I discovered that on some level I am terrified of and opposed to taking any job, that I just want to hide in my house for the rest of my life (not that that wasn't obvious from the way I've lived the last two years of my life!) So I don't want to disrespect or ignore those feelings. But I do want to forge ahead anyway....
AND........
Loopy's back didn't hurt AT ALL today!!!! WOW!!!! it's too soon to be sure yesterday's procedure worked, and it's not just the lingering anesthesia--and even if it did work we don't know how long it will continue to work..... but, fingers crossed...
Very exciting! she might have her life back soon! i already feel like i have my wife back! Yay!
Yesterday was a very long day tho! Whew!
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
clarification; good news; Loopy update
Clarification
I really, really appreciated the warm & kind responses (via comments and email) to my previous posts, but I did want to clarify my intent. I didn't say that the rejection I experienced caused me to doubt my worth as a human being, my skill as a teacher, or the likelihood that I will find a job in the future and have a good life henceforth.All I was trying to convey was the weird uneasiness of having gone through my Plan A, B, C, and D, and grasping at straws to cobble together a Plan E, and having no idea what Plan F was. The musing on "floating" vs "drifting" was just to say that the perception of being "unmoored" as a pleasant or unpleasant experience is entirely created in my own mind, and as such, while not necessarily under my control, it will not harm me if I just ride it out.
Thanks to lots of meditation and therapy I just stayed in that uncertain place, feeling uncomfortable, and whaddya know, it actually resolved itself very quickly.
Good news
So I submitted the application to Operation Fresh Start, as I mentioned, and the more I thought about it the more it seems like a good next step.(Sidebar: It's not a full-blown classroom situation, and I feel somewhat disappointed not to be able to start practicing my new classroom skills immediately; on the other hand, I'm still in therapy, and while I think I can do a classroom, it might not be so bad to do some more therapy first. I've been trying to learn for the last, uh.... almost twenty years... ever since I decided to major in Japanese instead of biology in college... that I don't have to do the hardest thing.)
ANYWAY. The woman I ran into at Maharaja East also mentioned that her sister-in-law, whom I know from political and social contexts, knows a lot of the long-term staff/organizers at Operation Fresh Start. (This is the advantage of living in a small(er) town!) So I tried to find sister-in-law's email address, but she doesn't do email. Uh-oh!
To my own surprise, I actually brought myself to call her and ask her to put in a good word for me! And she called me back and said she did! And I called her back and thanked her! Wow! It must be all the therapy. Seriously.
THEN, I was worried that the hiring committee wouldn't realize that my temporary license is valid for teaching in Wisconsin. So, I actually brought myself to drive over there and talk with the receptionist, who then brought out the person in charge of the hiring, so I had a chance to do a little mini-interview and tell her how excited I am about the job and tell her some of my ideas for it and so on. She seemed really great, mellow, smart, with-it, etc.
THEN, today they called and gave me an interview! Thursday at 3:15! Wow!!!! I feel so good about it because I really went for it... and it worked out. We'll see what happens but regardless, I feel good that I did everything I could think of.
THEN, yesterday, a big-ish school district close to home (next to the district in which our house sits) emailed me about subbing there... said they had switched to a new computer system and hadn't followed up on the sub applications, but now they're ready to do so and can I come to an orientation tomorrow or next week?
So, you know, it all works out.
Loopy update
So, the last ER trip they gave Loopy prescription-strength Aleve and that seems to be working pretty well (along with the morphine still). But her legs are totally numb, which is scary, and the drugs make her stumble drunkenly and tire easily, which is frustrating for her, and also scary.
On the plus side, the insurance came through and the procedure (the steroid shot) is going to happen on Thursday. (Yes, Thursday is a big day for our household). Fingers crossed it will help! Otherwise they go on to more dramatic steps. :-/
But at least the pain is a lot less and she's getting 6+ hours of sleep at a time. The era of moaning and pacing all night is past, at least for now.
Again, thanks for all your support. We are grateful.
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