tenterhooks

waiting waiting waiting to hear about the job... it's driving me nuts, i haven't been able to sleep, my shoulder is cramping up, i feel depressed as though i've already been rejected...

as i told Nadine earlier via IM (now that she's moved to Singapore, our schedules are much more in sync than they were when she was in Seattle! I'm hanging out in the evening while her daughter has a late morning nap, so, IMing galore! go figure!)...

i brought in a big bundle of anxieties to OLIF (therapist) and asked him to make me feel better, and he basically said, "you're not supposed to feel better, you're feeling what you're feeling--you're doing great! keep it up!"

what a concept.

he also advised me to take good care of myself, that it's a difficult time.

so with all this in mind, i almost started to feel oddly cheerful and carefree in a weird way. i had lunch with a new friend and then wandered through a sort of semi-new-age bookstore, where I picked up a book of 101 lesbian sexual positions (who knew that they sold that kind of thing at the new age bookstore??) and a book by one of my favorite Buddhist authors, Cheri Huber--The Fear Book. (I already have The Depression Book--good stuff!)

Here's what Cheri says about fear on the very first page:

Fear is not what you think it is.

Fear is not who you are underneath your facade. Fear is not the real you that you must somehow fix or improve or overcome.

Fear is a very useful signal along the path to freedom. The stronger the fear, the closer you are to what you are seeking. If you want to stay "safe" (i.e., stuck where you are), fear tells you to stop what you are doing. But if you want to be free, fear lets you know you are on the right track, it is a signal to push ahead in the same direction, to pick up the pace.

That might as well have been written directly in repsonse to my anxieties of this week ..... and when OLIF and Cheri Huber agree, there's nothing to do but submit.