so the reason they took so long to find Loopy's "mass" (i.e., tumor) is that it is much higher than her pain. pain often refers downwards... (as more and more of us no doubt are starting to learn as we all get older!). the doctor said it was just barely above the area scanned in the first MRI... just pure bad luck.
many years ago i read Daughters, by Paule Marshall, a wonderful wonderful book that I highly recommend. most of her characters are Caribbeans of African descent, but one of the few white characters is a sort of do-gooder who travels all over the world helping people. at the end of the book he turns out to have been abused as a child, and it is explained that he was searching for a vicarious outlet for his own pain. now, of course, people help others for many different reasons, but this really struck a chord in me and started me thinking in many ways that have been very fruitful...
certainly, helping others out of a need to displace my own pain, is not nearly so positive, effective, satisfying and genuine as helping others from genuine empathy, which I've only learned to feel in the last decade or so....
tonight as i drove home i thought about the fact that for some reason, after our garbage was emptied yesterday, someone (either the workers or some passer-by) turned the can upside down and left the lid lying nearby. this is weird and i've never seen it before, on my verge or anyone else's. i started wondering if neighbor kids were pulling some kind of prank (these are the kids who kept stealing our mailbox, which is why we now have a P.O. box). suddenly i became convinced that there was something truly awful and horrifying under the garbage can, and became really terrified of lifting it up.
it's been so long since i've had such a stark fear of something so obviously imaginary, that it stopped me in my tracks and seemed very clear that i was really afraid of something else. i asked myself what, precisely, i thought was under that can. some awful thing... some bloodied, broken thing... a dead thing.
i had to smile. not very subtle, eh. ok, so, i'm afraid of death, Loopy's of course, but i put it under the garbage can instead. *sigh*
still i drove past it and left it there. i'll lift it up in the daylight...
Friday, October 27, 2006
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2 comments:
It's my opinion that helping others from truly pure motives like the ones you list is exceedingly rare.
Even Mother Teresa had horrible doubts, and the woman was, to coin a phrase, a saint.
We help because it builds our egos, to displace our own pain, to hide our flaws... these reasons do not in any way negate the value of our actions!
The upside-down trash bin was weird. I'd have glared at it, too.
My love is with you both. Be okay, stay in the space that lets you ask the right questions, and don't get caught up in being afraid of what's under the trash bin. You got other stuff to put your attention on, mama.
Wow. Thank you for talking about this in such an articulate way. Love you.
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