So Dad disappeared into the bathroom to brush his teeth, or whatever he does before bed, and re-emerged having removed his gauze bandage from his surgery wound, leaving only the tape that they now use instead of stitches.
"You took your bandage off! You're not supposed to take it off!" I said, alarmed as I looked at the clearly still-open wound through the tape.
"Oh well, I took it off," Dad said, shrugging.
"Well you're not supposed to!" I said. By this time I was pretty much yelling.
"I'm sure it will be fine," he said, shrugging again.
"How do you know? You're not the doctor!" I was definitely yelling.
Mom had got into the act by now and we were both yelling at him, about a foot from his face. Both of us are taller than he is and we had kind of cornered him in a hallway. He turned away from us and sort of scrunched up like a small child, shrugging helplessly and wordlessly.
I felt terrible and ran away. "I'm sorry I yelled at you, Dad, I'm just worried!" I called from the other room (you thought maybe I didn't mean "ran away" literally?)
"Well, sometimes he remembers better if you yell at him," Mom said. Then she took him in the bedroom and yelled at him for a couple minutes about how he should definitely not take the tape off or he would have to go back to the hospital. I overheard snippets like this:
Mom: "NO MORE TAKING BANDAGES OFF! GOT IT?"
Dad: (meekly) "okay."
God. I wonder how often she pulls that routine. It actually was a little scary...she sounded totally out of control and dissociated. I'm sure the whole situation makes her angry, but there must be a better way to impress something on Dad's mind besides that kind of screaming fit.
Hmmm, this reminds me of when we were in couples' therapy and I talked about how when people get mad I think they're going to turn into a monster. It did seem like she turned into another person in there. Or maybe that's just what my brain does to compartmentalize scary-mom away from regular-mom...that wasn't really Mom, that was a monster that just came in temporarily. My real Mom is nice.
Am I crazy or what?
Meanwhile I feel awful about being mean to poor Dad. It's not his fault. He doesn't know which end is up, and it's worse than usual since the surgery.
I guess maybe yesterday's little story really could be taken at face value: Mom and I are mean; Dad is nice.
This is how I got so crazy.
"People yell when they're scared," Mom used to tell me when I was little, by way of apologizing for yelling. That was a good thing to say and a nice thing to do, the only indication I remember getting that feelings are okay, that they won't kill you, that people can be mad and still love you.
So, I yelled because I was scared.
I still feel like I bludgeoned a puppy.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
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3 comments:
Yes, you're crazy. See the thing about parents is that they can push your buttons so well because they're the ones who installed them in the first place.
As for dad-management: I'd wager there's books out there for dealing with older folk in his condition. Maybe surf Amazon for some, buy some, sprinkle them liberally about the premises. There might be ways other than yelling, yo?
Finally - ouch. Such a raw, sad, painful post. Poor heart.
*hug*
Sorry you feel bad about yelling at your dad. I hope you allow that feeling not only to be but also to pass.
My mom was also pretty scary when she was mad. I sympathize. Its one of the reasons I learned how to switch off - an asset when used consciously but I had to learn to use it consciously. Its one of the reasons I also tend not to yell. And its one of the reasons that I do yell the way that I do when I've truly lost my patience. Interesting what stays with you, how it stays, and what you do with it.
There are books about dealing with Adults with Dementia - unfortunately I sent the couple that I bought to my parents and haven't gotten a chance to look at them myself, but I plan to. These are the ones I got:
* Coping With Your Difficult Older Parent : A Guide for Stressed-Out Children
* The 36-Hour Day : A Family Guide to Caring for Persons With Alzheimer Disease, Related Dementing Illnesses, and Memory Loss in Later Life
* The Complete Eldercare Planner, Second Edition : Where to Start, Which Questions to Ask, and How to Find Help
a friend, during college when she was visiting home, told me she felt utterly schizophrenic (no riff against schizophrenics) going home. i believe it will always be that way for her, and for others who ahve expressed the same. it is really hard. double what rachel said. these folks built those buttons, babe. they built the push, the tension, the whole bit. no wonder it is so familiar, so complex and yet, so close.
yipes indeed. also understandable to feel everything you felt. accept as much of your response as you can, compassionately. you rock!
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