one sad and one funny

SAD
ok, you will see that i have been on a marathon blogging session. i realize I should go to bed, so please take this in context, as the over-tired (and likely PMS-y) ramblings of an out-of-context person.

Generally I have been having a really fun time here, playing scrabble with my dad and talking to all the interesting old people in the dining room.

but tonight we sat with some old guy who must have said about fifteen times (I am not exaggerating) something about "Islamic madrassas" (which he persistently pronounced "Madras") "indoctrinating" people to blow themselves up ("we can't even begin to understand how they think"). For good measure, he threw in Sammuel Hufffington's "clashof civilizatons" PLUS a theory about how white people are smarter because Europe has a change of seasons (!!!)(although I registered my disagreement on each of these points, it was useless to argue, because he couldn't hear well--especially when I disagreed)(this guy a retired professor from Columbia and Berkeley, mind you).

And, Mom is coming home tomorrow and she's getting all crazy (demanding & manipulatively demanding) about the party. I forgot to do something she wanted me to do today, and it's too late now. The inner conflict between "oh no, she's going to be mad" and "f--- that, it's minor, if she's mad she's silly" is depressingly familiar.

Predictable upshot--I am getting tired and lonely. It has been a long time since I had that feeling of being completely alone, invisible almost. People have their own lives and their own concerns and they don't really see you. I think I am more mature than i once was, in that this could be fun for four whole days, but now i miss my Loopy and I want someone to see me. I am afraid Loopy doesn't need me. I'm so glad she's feeling better but I can't help feeling that at best I'm irrelevant to the equation. I need Loopy. Everyone needs someone to see them.*

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FUNNY
On the plane on the way here, I was seated on the aisle. In the three seats opposite were three children, approximate ages 7, 9, and 12 (or so). They kept whispering to each other and turning around in their seats to look at me. Not just glance, but stare at me for minutes at a time as if intrigued. Finally I said, "Why do you keep looking at me?" They giggled and turned away briefly, but they kept it up. A half hour later I said, "Why do you keep looking at me? Do I have a big booger hanging out of my nose or something?" The littlest girl shook her head seriously, said "no," and smiled...and continued to stare at me. I still have no idea why, but the ease with which I asked about the big booger reassured me that maybe I do have what it takes to be a teacher after all.

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*I repeat the caveat that these are the ramblings of a sleepy brain, they are just feelings, not rational thoughts. They do not reveal some Deep Big Problem. The only problem is that I am too silly to go to bed on time.