Love (if you don't like mush, skip this one)

I have such a cute message from Loopy on my phone this morning. She sounds all sleepy and she wants to know how I'm doing & how Dad's doing (she didn't read the marathon blog session yet). (Loopy's message was a sharp contrast to my Mom's message which consisted entirely of a series of guilt trips, back to back, like the continuous hits on 105.1 the buzz).

Loopy's message made me happy and reminded me of all the things that I have learned about what people do when they love you. I learned about this first from Sennuy, then from Amy, and then from Loopy. I could include a lot of other beloved & loving & very important people in my life, but these three were the main people who knew something about—and moreover saw that I didn't know & took it upon themselves to teach me—how to be loved and loving. Not necessarily in a flamboyant, dramatic way, but in the little, everyday ways that wrap you up in a cocoon of comfort and make you brave and hopeful.

A short list of things I didn't know on this topic:

1. People who love you worry and wonder about you when you're not around. They hope you're okay and want to find out.
   
   • They want you to call if you'll be late, so they know you didn't get hit by a bus.
     
   • They want you to call when you get where you're going, so they know you didn't die in a fiery plane crash.
     
   • When you've been low or sick, they want to know if you're doing better.
   
   
2. People who love you listen to you because they want to know what you think or feel.
   
   • They are not just waiting for their turn to speak.
     
   • They are not just looking for how your words reflect on them.
   
   
3. People who love you look beyond the surface.
   
   • They make comments like, "You look sad/tired. Are you ok?"
     
   • They hear feelings under words, they don't take everything literally or think that every emotional comment represents a considered opinion.
     
   • Sometimes they know you better than you know yourself.
   
   
4. People who love you want you to know it, and they want you to love them back.
   
   • Wanting you to love them back is because they love you, not because it will justify their existence or prove that they are lovable.
     
   • Sometimes they are hurt or jealous if you don't take good care of them. Take good care of them!
   
   
5. People who love you really, genuinely want you to be happy.
   
   • When they do little fun things for you, they do it for you & for fun, not because they want to think to themselves, "I am the kind of person who does little fun things for my loved ones."
     
   • If you need something they are instantly there for you—and they are matter-of-fact about it—they don't exude an air of guilt-inducing noble self-sacrifice.
     
   • Corollary: If they can't help, they let you know why not, and they find other ways to let you know they care. They don't make you feel worse for needing help.
   
   
6. The most important way to sum all of this up is that people who love you really see you.
   
   • They know a lot about you and they want to know more about you.
     
   • Their favorite things about you aren't all things you do for them.
     
   • Their idea of you isn't a flat 2-D list of characteristics that never change. They also see where you've come from and where you're trying to go. They see you growing and becoming and they support you.
     

Probably nobody does this all perfectly all the time, but some people are a lot more equipped for it than others. You have to know who you are, to have something inside yourself besides need.

My parents love me in the best way they can, and I appreciate and like and love them. But they are themselves damaged, and they were much worse twenty years ago (they have steadily gotten better since getting out of that cult—see Loopy's thesis). Being here is a brief return to—not even that, just an echo of—the ravenous loneliness of being a chid here. I have long since come to terms with all this and accepted that my parents can simultaneously be kind/ lovable/good-hearted people, and inadequate parents.

As I consider the list above, I feel overwhelmed with wonder and gratitude. It seems impossibly good and more than I deserve, and yet, it's also simple and straightforward. The people whom I love and who have loved me in this way are incredibly precious. You know who you are and I am grateful for you.

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Additions to and/or comments on this list are welcome. I am still learning about this. I hope I live up to it because I am blessed with some amazing people in my life and they deserve all this and more from me.

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