better today

started one tutoring job today - no kids yet, just training.

one of my former colleagues quit his job at our old school, and i wrote/called everyone begging them to give me his job (teaching sixth grade). severe anxiety last night about whether i can do it or not if i get it - the classroom management piece is the toughie. well, we'll see what happens.

in the meantime things are much improved with wifey. so... one foot in front of the other.

missing you

Lonely today. Thinking about other times in my life when I have had more friends, love, companionship. Recent times and back to college, to high school... I've been blessed with extraordinary friendships and extraordinary people in my life...

Read over some old emails I probably should have left alone, and then, thanks to Facebook and a reminiscence about going to Emack & Bolio's with Amy for oreo ice cream in an oreo cone ;-) , I got back in touch with Peter M (!) and reminisced a little... just wish I had a circle of good friends now like the ones I had in college, like that day a bunch of us hung out at Peter's house and invented weird dances, or remember the "Amy Appreciation Party" with strips of printer paper as streamers?

Ah, I catch myself: this sounds like 'poverty mind.' I worked with this on retreat - the delusion of not having enough, even though the world around me is filled with incredible richness.

The instruction was to sit with the feelings instead of trying to fill up the holes with stuff. And to do tonglen for all those who, like me, experience this sense of basic neediness, this loneliness - for all those who wish that other people could take away the fundamental human condition of alone-ness.

I've also worked with this same mentality in my psych program - the focus on loss, instead of on what I still have. There, the solution is different - join groups, take classes, make friends. My life in the last two years has been painfully narrowed by an all-consuming focus on work. For better or for worse, I'm liberated from that, and can try to meet more people.

I'm already doing that through my meditation activities. I hung out with two of my retreat buddies this past week, and met the roommate of one of them, who is hooking me into the campaign for universal healthcare.

I'm also going to take salsa and print-making classes, so I'm excited about that. And today is the first meeting of an artists' group I'm starting, so that's cool too.

So... pulling myself together, getting off the couch, going on with my day. With my life. I think if I can enlarge my life, the marriage stuff may fall into place as well, one way or the other - I will see it with more perspective and I will also be better equipped to fully live whatever solution ensues.

boiling II

Or does it boil down to this: can a crazy person live with a sane person, without the former getting worse and the latter getting crazy?

Just how crazy am I? Is this problem inside my own head? Why can't I be who she needs me to be? Why can't I keep from hurting her? Why can't it be enough - the tremendous love and bounty that I am lucky enough to be blessed with?

What's wrong with me?

Is there something wrong with me? Am I sabotaging something amazing and wonderful, or is there some fundamental flaw that is breaking this apart? Or both?

Those are just rhetorical questions.

My heart is just breaking.

We both want there to be a way through this but we can't see it.

Mirror maze, bramble path, cliffs of fall.

What compass, what north star, what god, what divination can we scrounge out of our scrambled guts?

I keep hoping...

So yeah. Happy anniversary.

boiling

So it all boils down to: can a person who easily gets hurt, live with a person who easily gets angry, and for how long before they're just... done.

But, perhaps that's a gross over-simplification. When there's enough love, none of that matters.

That's a cliché.

Mirror maze.

approaching anniversary

As you might have guessed, I went ahead to that Buddhist meditation retreat last week. It was really, really good in a lot of ways. More on that tomorrow.

Instead, I bring you a conversation from the bus last night, the aftermath of an honest but painful therapy session. But, honesty is a good thing. Really. It is. It felt good to be honest - like a fresh start.

Anyway:

Me: So what are we doing for our anniversary [Wednesday]?

Loopy: What do you want to do?

Me: I don't know, we could go to dinner... [discussion of dinner plans ensues]

Me: So, are we exchanging cards?

Loopy: Do you want to exchange cards?

Me: I always like cards.

Loopy: OK, I'll give you a card.

(...pause...)

Me: It might be hard to find one that says what we'd like to say.

Loopy: You mean, "I love you/hate you"?

Me: "I love you, you make me unhappy, don't ever leave me"?

(...pause...)

Me: So maybe no cards then.



As long as we can laugh at ourselves, I think we're gonna be ok.

working out

When people say, of a marriage, "things just didn't work out," is that something that happens because of a lack of willpower? or a lack of commitment? or is it something that just... happens to you? something beyond your control?

I guess you'll say it could be either one. That's no help at all.

When I asked her this question, Loopy was no help either. She said no one could know, and we can't tell the future.

Rats.

daily Dharma: hope and fear

I've always loved this teaching... excerpted from Pema Chödrön's When Things Fall Apart. I won't put it in blockquotes cuz there's so much... blockquote it in your mind ;) .

The idea of "giving up hope" is weird to us... think of it as giving up aggression toward yourself... well, see how she defines it. I interpret hope as a sort of tension, being at odds with reality, harboring aggression toward oneself and toward life; hopelessness means relaxing, accepting oneself, seeing what's really happening and being present to it so that one can respond calmly and intelligently. I wouldn't call it hopelessness but I get what she means.

I excised so much in the hope that it would be short enough to be read, that it may seem a little jerky; you can read the whole thing here or here. Also, I didn't always use ellipses or brackets because they seem distracting... again, read the real thing at these links.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

"[C]ompletely giving up hope... is the beginning of the beginning. Without giving up hope that there is somewhere better to be, that there is someone better to be, we will never relax with where we are or who we are.

"We long to have some reliable, comfortable ground under our feet, but we’ve tried a thousand ways to hide and a thousand ways to tie up all the loose ends, and the ground just keeps moving under us.

"The difference between theism and non-theism is not whether one does or does not believe in God... Theism is a deep-seated conviction that there is some hand to hold: if we just do the right things, someone will appreciate us and take care of us... Non-theism is relaxing with the ambiguity and uncertainty of the present moment.

"The first noble truth of the Buddha is that when we feel suffering, it doesn’t mean that something is wrong. Suffering is part of life, and we don’t have to feel it is happening because we personally made the wrong move.

"Hope and fear is a feeling with two sides. As long as there is one, there is always the other. In the world of hope and fear, we always have to change the channel, change the temperature, change the music, because something is getting uneasy, something is getting restless, something is beginning to hurt, and we keep looking for alternatives.

"Hope and fear come from feeling that we lack something; they come from a sense of poverty. We can’t simply relax with ourselves. We hold on to hope, and hope robs us of the present moment.

"[Instead,] we can drop the fundamental hope that there is a better "me" who one day will emerge. We [can] renounce the tenacious hope that we could be saved from being who we are.

"Giving up hope is encouragement to stick with yourself, to make friends with yourself, to not run away from yourself, to return to the bare bones, no matter what is going on.

"If we totally experience hopelessness, giving up all hope of alternatives to the present moment, we can have a joyful relationship with our lives, an honest, direct relationship, one that no longer ignores reality."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Where does meditation come into this? Meditation is simply (and difficult-ly) the practice of continually letting go of hope and fear and relaxing into the present moment...

That doesn't make me any less nervous as I try to get ready to go on my meditation retreat... which I still might panic and back out of...

On a lighter note, last night I had this whole complicated dream about looking for cookies with Loopy... there were many adventures on the road to cookies, and then the cookies were misplaced, and we got separated, and then I found the cookies, and then I was told not to eat those, that my cookies were somewhere else......... I don't know how to interpret this dream except to say that I like cookies.

Loopy-Loopy dialogue!

Yes, folks, I know it's been way too long since my last Loopy-Loopy dialogue... or since I wrote anything except long boring things. Sorry!

Me: I can't believe you're going to a music festival. It's so hot* out there, I wouldn't go see—name my favorite band!—I don't care who it is, I wouldn't go out there to see them.

Loopy: U2.

Me: Nope.

Loopy: Bonnie Raitt.

Me: Nope. I wouldn't go out for... for...

Loopy: Stevie Ray Vaughn back from the dead!

Me: Nope... Amy Ray. Amy Ray's the only one I'd stand out in this heat to hear. If Stevie Ray came back from the dead I'd watch it on TV.

Loopy: (laughing and shaking her head)

Me: (...pause...) OK, OK, I'd go hear Stevie Ray back from the dead!

Loopy: You KNOW you would!

Me: I would. (shaking head) But what are you going to hear?

Loopy: Tapes n tapes, baby, Tapes n tapes! [yes, this is the name of a band—some obscure indie band of course!]

Me: Yeah. You're insane.

------------------------
*Yeah, Tucson folks, I know, it's only 90, but if you could feel how utterly oppressively heavy the air is, you wouldn't scoff, Mr/Ms Yesterday-It-Was-110-And-I-Barely-Flinched. :-P

step by step

I loved Goblinbox's comment that I had such an optimistic post last time, so I was loath to post something less optimistic... which is good, because I had some low days there, and that would have been dull.

So, I think it's pretty clear I didn't get that job at the pre-engineering school. I didn't really expect to get it, but I had my hopes up quite a bit.

At the nadir of the previous few days, I felt like a complete failure at everything, and for some reason, I seemed to think that if I don't get a job this year, it's the end of my career and my dream is dead.

See, I told you you were lucky I didn't post at that point.

In a way it was good: I had a little mini-breakdown at my daily outpatient psych ward, after we had to draw our "inner critic" and write down all the mean things it says to us...

I wrote and wrote... "You're a failure" was the main idea... The tears flowed and my heart broke... it seemed to pull the cork out of a lot of work-related sadness from the past two years...

After the initial rush of feelings, I still feel a deep but kinda pure sadness as I go about my day... it's not even painful; it's just running out like clean water, and in a way, it feels good, letting it go...

The "you're a failure" voice has lessened and I just remember different things, and feel the memories, hopes and disappointments flow out with the water and flow away...

So, now, I also am now able to see with more perspective: if I don't have a full-time job this year, I'll cobble together an income between subbing and tutoring. Meanwhile, I'll have more time to work on my special ed degree.

Actually, I have an interview with a tutoring company this week... $10 an hour, hours not guaranteed, so kind of a shitty part-time job, but still. A job. I'll figure out a way to combine it with subbing or with another part-time job.

To be honest, it will be a bit of a break, not having a "real" full-time job with grading and lesson planning... and ya know, I can really use a break. I've been through the wringer. As you all know.

Speaking of which, I just enrolled yesterday in the special ed program for real. It's a master's program, though it's from a not-very-respected online institution; I don't think that matters much. I'll have a master's (salary bump!) and I'll be certifiable in special ed.

Once I have that certification, I'll be back in the saddle when it comes to the job market, and this time, on a winning horse - special ed is much in demand. I wonder if I can finish it by next year.

Meanwhile, slowly, inexorably, almost imperceptibly, day by day, Lovey and I are drawing closer again. I feel an upwelling of the deep happiness that I've always felt with her. We're not back to normal but we are heading in a good direction. Can't force it, can't announce that it's now better. Just... day by day.

Last but not least: sometime in the next week I expect to drive up to a Buddhist retreat in Wisconsin. I think that will be really, really good. I've been listening to my tapes and melting my heart, hungering again for the peace and the teachings...

So maybe this post isn't so much less optimistic than the last one... dang, is that a trend? Could it be... am I... getting better?

but what's been going on OUTSIDE my head?

So let's see. I went to a job fair a week ago. I wore the outfit at left, which I try to think of as having "retro flair" rather than being "Gidget-like." (The photo you see was actually taken so I could consider which outfit to buy... I ended up asking my psychiatrist about it because she's the best-dressed person I know. Weird, huh.)

Thanks to encouragement from my fellow inmates - excuse me, other people in my psych outpatient program - I am again looking for special ed jobs and finishing up coursework to be eligible for emergency certification.

Really, it's the best and most obvious move for me. I've always done a great job working with small groups and individual students, whereas thing I'm worst at is classroom management, i.e., making large groups of students shut up and behave.

I had a good lead at the job fair on another social studies job. Once again I impressed them with my social justice consciousness, my knowledge of the world, and let's not forget the Harvard degree, blah blah blah. I can sound pretty impressive when I want to.

But, I consciously didn't follow it up, despite urging from my teacher pals. I see no reason to try a third time something that didn't work the first two times. If I can do something easier, and do it well, for a while, I can always go back to trying the thing I have failed at when I have more experience.

I actually think it's good self-care that I'm choosing not to pursue something that has made me miserable, even though that's scary, even though I could end up jobless for the fall.

If I don't get a job this year, I can sub, I can work for a tutoring company, there are lots of things I can do. My crazy-camp buddies and of course my dear Bean have encouraged me to think bigger and not be scared.

OH! But did I mention - I had an interview Monday and I think they really liked me. I got the feeling I wasn't necessarily their first choice, but today I got an email saying they are checking references and will be in touch. So that means I'm still in the running!! Very exciting!

It's special ed at a pre-engineering school that takes low-income kids, including those with disabilities, and trains them for a four-year college degree in engineering. They are also ready for production-line pre-management jobs if they don't want to go to college.

This is a fantastic job for me. I've always been best at tutoring math, and that's basically what this job would be. I'm excited, did I mention that?

Fingers crossed.

fresh air

Listening to my Buddhist tapes again this morning... ahh... starting to want it again... to emerge from the hell I've created in my mind, and breathe some clear air. Starting to remember that saṃsāra is unendurable...

It's like I had locked an iron bar around my chest and now I can get glimpses of what it would be like to expand my lungs and really breathe again.

Not that I'm there. But I'm wanting it now.

And knowing it's the only way to stop hurting others.

salvation

Rescue me
[rescue me, it's hard to believe]
Your love has given me hope
Rescue me
[rescue me, it's hard to believe]
I'm drowning, baby throw out your rope...
~Madonna (remember? hahaha)

Yesterday brought some clarity on two things that are the same: I keep wanting and wanting someone to rescue me. That's how I destroy things. I want someone to save me. And I've found it hard to stop wanting that.

As instructed by the group therapist in my program, I've written on a post-it, "I am an adult. I'm ok on my own. I can care for myself. Trying to get others to rescue me is only destructive." This goes on the bathroom mirror (with, like, ten other post-its from the program, lol).

Then in talking with Loopy I realized something else: this is the reason Mom is so difficult, so painful for me to talk to: this is exactly how she is.

She wants everyone to rescue her, ease her discomfort, fix her problems, make her feel good.

So when talking to her, she always wants something from me. It's like a giant vacuum cleaner trying to suck something out of me. Unpleasant.

That's why I want her to ask how I'm doing - I want her to care - yet when she does ask, I don't want to tell her - since she's not asking out of caring but out of a self-centered purpose (to be a "good mother.")

And here's the rub: if you want so much to be rescued and saved, then you have to stay stuck, you have to stay infantile, you have to stay rescue-able.

This feels like I'm stretching at something that needs to tear open.

Just a quick word of total gratitude to those of you who read and comment, or read and don't comment. Thank you. Words can't express how much it means to me to be able to write here and, at least sometimes, have readers. Thank you, my beloved friends.

forgive

After a long hiatus, listening to my Buddhist teaching recordings. In the car they make me go to sleep, but while walking I have no such excuse.

"How we usually proceed is like heaping suffering on top of suffering." ~Pema Chödrön

They say what we practice is what we get better at. What have I been practicing?

Selfishness. Self-loathing.

I am eager to give up the self-loathing. It destroys everything. I compulsively destroy what I want, what I love. I make it impossible for others to allow what I enjoy.

So. Self-loathing. Bad. Kill it.

But selfishness? I've been enjoying selfishness, haven't I? I grasp it to my heart, curling over it like a dog over a bone, growling; like a child over a toy when threatened with sharing. I love my selfishness. It has brought me untold joys. Hasn't it?

Reluctantly I have to see a glimmer of truth: selfishness and self-loathing are the same thing, aren't they. Grabbing, grasping, not thinking, not caring. That's how I destroy. That's how I lose what I love.

"If you can just make a little pinpoint in the narrowness of your heart and mind, by doing [compassion] practices, you can really trust that you can begin to go from frozen to begin to melt...of its own accord...But if you don't want it to happen, it won't." ~Pema Chödrön

Not yet exactly wanting it to happen. Maybe having a glimmer of possibly thinking about wanting to maybe want it to happen.

Dimly I remember what it felt like when I did these practices every day. Open and fresh. Or is that my imagination? Just a few moments perhaps? Amid a bleakness?

Part of me feels like letting go is a loss. A terrible loss. Must clutch. Must grasp. Must scramble to hold on. Must curl around what's left like a dog, like a child.

Part of me struggles to remember what it was like to practice regularly and feel clearer. Buddhist paintings arise in my mind: the people burning in the hell of their own minds; meditators among peaceful clouds.

I don't even know what's in my heart anymore. I don't even know all my feelings. Sadness, anger, I guess. It's a hard lump, compacted. Like a piece of dog shit after the dog's been constipated. What a terrible image for one's own heart and mind...

I think before I go any further... I need to sort this out... try to calm my own mind first. So that as I gingerly try to rebuild, I don't end up destroying everything again, don't hurt everyone around me again.

and now for something completely different...

yesterday I was helping Loopy walk dogs and as I waited for her, I saw a big plant full of lovely big sprays of white flowers a few houses down, and I went to investigate. The flowers were a type of hydrangea with which I hadn't been familiar - growing in more of a cone shape than a ball. As I admired them I noticed a creature I had never seen before: the giant black wasp at left. There must have been at least ten of them all over the plant - some of them at least two inches long! After I got over my surprise at its size and color, I noticed its iridescence... there are always so many more beautiful things in the world to discover and enjoy...

In Wisconsin we used to have wasp nests all over the place. Many species parasitize harmful insects and are generally non-aggressive so we left them alone. I was going to write about their life cycle but apparently there are a bunch of different ones, and I'm running out of time to do my homework, so, 'nother time.

mourning & loneliness

One of the many gifts my outpatient group has given me is space to mourn.

The message I had from others and from myself was that I should be done with all that. But my outpatient group and the therapists there encouraged me to let those feelings out in that safe space, and I've done so...

Weeping at times... asking for the group's input and suggestions about how to move through the mourning and come out the other side.

Their input has been kind and wise.

Yet I'm still having trouble letting go of the last threads. I need to do that and to mourn more completely, instead of engaging in wishful thinking.

Bean also advised me... if there's any distant future, (which is unlikely), the only way to get there is to let go of the past.

I'm trying.

It's hard when I feel lonely in my daily life. I watch my Loopy engaged in daily, ongoing conversations with her online friends. Constantly (and I mean constantly) getting texts from them, texting back, bursting into joyful laughter in the grocery store over something they said.

She tries to tell me about it (after I asked her to talk to me more, involve me more in her life) but it's all inside jokes.

That's ok, really (though we've talked about setting some limits on the texting - not in restaurants, not when I ask her to stop and be with me) but I can't help missing that for myself. A lot. Especially when (it feels like) there's nothing to take its place.

I have tried to get closer to some friends from work, but they do have their own lives and it seems there's a limit to how much they want to integrate me in.

Have been IM'ing with Bean a lot more, and that does help.

As for my beloved wife... it seems our "cement," our "glue," I think is just enjoying each other - just enjoying doing things together makes us feel how much we love each other. Just being together gives us happiness. Enjoying each other's company. Never wanting to be separated.

We give each other joy and pleasure just by being next to each other in the grocery store, on the couch - we just feel the love in little things, a snuggle, a favor (taking the plate in, getting ice cream). Vacations are the best times because we are just so happy to be together. And, they give us things to talk about.

I'm finding that conversation, though cheerful and pleasant and connecting and thought-provoking, is not our glue, at least not right now. So when I get fidgety and miss that, I can't force Loopy to replace it. That's not how things work. Again, as far as Loopy and I are concerned, that's ok.

There's still a hole.

So... I tried getting a miksang shooting group together... that didn't work out. It seems people want to get together to look at their pix, but not to shoot. That's ok, I can do that too. So that's happening Wednesday.

I also started a meetup.com group for sketching and painting that I hope will introduce me to some cool people... at least it will also make space for creativity and art, which I need and miss.

One person has already joined... he sounds like he could be cool or he could be a little nuts. I'll wait and see. Our first meetup is in a few weeks.

Also, we're not allowed to be friends with other patients during the program (to avoid cliques and inside jokes etc.) but after the outpatient program is done, we can be friends. There are two people with whom I think I would really like to keep in touch after the program is done, and I think they'll feel the same.

So there are some possibilities.

Step by step by step.

"one part be my lover, one part go away..."

Awhile ago I was raging at fate and finding the urge to take pictures of "NO" wherever I saw it.

Recently I had the urge to take pictures of arrows... and all the arrows I saw pointed in multiple directions... which made sense because I felt torn in two directions...

Most of you know what happened recently that caused my Loopy to lose faith in me. I have been hesitant to ask her to take that leap of faith back to me, and hesitant to take that leap of faith myself, because I've been afraid I'll just hurt her again.

Yet of course, I missed that closeness with my wife and wanted it again..

I did some collaging (which, I'm finding, is my way to work through things, the way others do journaling - my left brain just won't relax its grip enough for me to find journaling effective) and a lot of thinking, probably too much thinking...

This song played in my head a lot:

If you know how, you might say 'em a prayer
They're gonna need all the help they can get
They remember too much about what went wrong
Might be they should learn to forget
Forget themselves in each other
And leave what belongs in the past
Carry their hearts like a newborn child
Cuz it's only the moment that lasts...
~Bonnie Raitt, "One Part Be My Lover"

Originally it was the leaving in the past, and the carrying the hearts, that appealed to me. Just let go of the past and be gentle and tender. Take that leap of faith. Then I came to hear the last line more and more, and people in my outpatient group encouraged me in the same direction: to also let go of the future, let go of trying to foretell everything that's going to happen, and just live in the now, enjoy each other now, love each other now. So I turned back toward my Lovey... trying to find a way through. When I talked with her about it, she pointed out that we are already there. There's no distance to travel, we are already together, our lives intertwined. So... trying to find a way to relax. Stop struggling. Let happiness and peace seep back in... or rather feel the happiness and peace that are right there, already all around me. Hm. I think I've said that before - about relaxing, ceasing to struggle.... Maybe I should tattoo that on my forehead. :-P

women; dogs; Cesar Millan

So... I was going to say, "why are women the way they are?" but my lovely Loopy hates rhetorical questions, so I'll just say, sometimes women are annoying. (Men can be annoying too, but this post isn't about them).

I passed many dog walkers on my lovely morning walk, which has become a habit - no, really a requirement - Mr. Pickles insists upon it, and drives us crazy all day without it. Anyway, the men had control of their dogs. And the women did not. I passed so many silly women pleading with their dogs not to bark at mine. Tugging ineffectively on leashes, seeming panicky, whining, "Fluffyyyy, c'mon now, c'mon, stop that now, now, you know better"... it infuriated me.

Stand up straight, tell your dog what you want, and make him/her do as you say.

I've been doing that with Mr. Pickles and I think it will make me a better teacher in the fall. Cesar (I always use his first name, as though we're buddies) teaches that the way to train a dog is to use exercise, discipline, and affection: in that order. If you give affection first the dog interprets it as weakness.

I've been practicing on my puppy and now I'm ready for humans. I hope.