up down up down updown updown updownupdownupdown

roller coaster. still the roller coaster.

mornings have been better. much, much better.

i'm talkin' singing to the radio and swinging into school, cheery good mornings all around. probably way too much for most people to cope with when they're just barely getting their coffee.

so that's good, right? the days of sobbing hysterically in the car on the way to school (and the occasional fantasy of just driving right off the road) seem to be past. so that's good, right?

but then by afternoon - least the last couple afternoons, and the way things have been changing that constitutes a trend - i seem to go way downhill. when i cry it's at night.

and, yesterday and today at the end of the day at school i couldn't stop the tears from spilling out in front of my students. yesterday one of my students said "you're the worst teacher." and i cried. cuz i agreed. if he woulda said "you're the worst swimmer" i woulda been like, "fuck you kid."

(instead i said "til you're the best student keep yer freakin mouth shut." which was bad. i'm the grownup. i'm the grownup! why is it so hard to remember that?)

oh i don't know. trying to make sense of my moods when they maybe don't make sense... trying to find patterns when maybe there is none... "morning is this, evening is that." who the fuck knows.

i'm confident, i crumble. i laugh, i weep.

who the fuck knows.

don't get me wrong. half a day feeling happy is half a day more than i've had in years and years. half a day every day i feel pretty damn good, and i feel pretty damn good about that.

i was so cheery that Loopy started to worry that I was going manic. (the fact that i told a potential employer that i could learn Chinese over the summer and teach it in the fall was what worried her). But my shrink certified that i was not manic, just happy. (i thought that was pretty funny). (and c'mon... we all know that i could learn Chinese over the summer!)

so yeah.