awash

for some reason, i'm flooded with feelings.

clinginess, annoyance, uncertainty, anxiety, desire and aversion... slow tides and ebbs...

maybe it's just because the depression has receded, so all these things are bubbling up...maybe it's because my job is ending and i need a new one....

at the same time, underlying everything, there's a constant feeling of just being so grateful to not be depressed, almost a euphoria... i walked home slowly from my haircut this evening, savoring each garden and each interesting passer-by... just enjoying that i can look at things without crying or wanting to cry, without feeling that everything i see is cutting into me, breaking my heart.

earlier i was grabbing onto the different feelings and trying to make sense of them, thinking they were telling me something, that i should do something in response to them. i was working myself up into anxiety about what i was supposed to do...

fortunately i remembered the instruction... they are just feelings... they come and they go like ripples, like waves... let them pass. let them come and let them go.

i'm trying.