more flowers/Buddhism rambling. hey, what can i say, they go together

Just planted white geraniums in my pots where my nasturtium and morning-glory seedlings are juuuuust beginning to appear. I'm so excited about them! (the seedlings)

I'm also gleefully anticipating how the pots - which look just like plain white geraniums - pretty but nothing special - will graaaaaadually generate these amaaaazing multicolored flower vines that will slowwwwwly creep out of them and crawl and climb and clamber along the fence.... they will gradually impinge on people's consciousness until one day they're a double-take... and by fall there will be this color explosion with the white geraniums just as a bright and brilliant foil.

But my meditation training reminds me to stop with all the anticipation - not that it's bad, but if i get too hung up on it i forget to enjoy the moment. the shining white beauty of the geraniums. the exciting and - trite but true - miraculous emergence of seed from soil...

so speaking of dropping extra "story" and returning to the moment...... with all the peonies blooming i have realized how, whenever i see peonies, i feel pangs of missing the peonies in our yard, back in Wisconsin. they were so glorious... but. but. what about the peonies i keep seeing here in Chicago? i'm totally forgetting to enjoy them because i'm all "oh my lost peonies." seriously, wtf?

i didn't realize this was going to lead here so naturally, but i wanted to clarify the meaning of the two flowers in the last post. i realized after the fact that they could be interpreted different ways so i wanted to clarify that the forget-me-not is an emblem of happy memories; the hearts-ease symbolized how those memories no longer trouble me, that thanks to either Abilify® or the passage of time, i now feel at peace with them... enriched rather than pained, acceptance replacing need and regret.

don't get me wrong, i haven't achieved enlightenment since my last post, but my troubles are returning to the usual anxiety, mood swings, etc.

speaking of enlightenment, have i mentioned that i've been thinking of actually drinking the kool-aid - actually taking refuge vows, i.e., becoming an actual Buddhist.

This does not involve getting religious, exactly, according to the particular brand of Buddhism i've stumbled into.... it's more about accepting that everything changes and there's nothing to hold onto, everything will be lost, so all we can hold onto is the three jewels:

1. The Buddha - both his historical example, and the "buddha nature" within us, our own innermost good and wise mind;
2. The Dharma - the teachings of Buddhism and meditation;
3. The Sangha - the community - other people trying to follow these teachings too

What makes sense about this is that all three of those things are like flotsam on water - even though everything shifts and rearranges and is never still, there is always the flotsam in some formation and we can always find it one way or another.

Post too long; stopping for now. These are the random thoughts that occupy my mind.