I've known rivers...

Unfortunately, I'm not talking about the profoundly resonant rivers of history and human experience that are referred to in Langston Hughes's flavorful poem.

I'm talking the Nile and the Seine.

As in, I've been in de Nile and I've been in Seine. hahahaha ok maybe that just seems funny at 1 a.m.

Lately I've been thinking, "oh, I don't have a mood disorder. In April and May it was just grief - now that's past, I'm fine, I should really go off all these pills."

But sometimes - and tonight especially - I get glimpses of the fact that no, it wasn't just grief, and god no, I shouldn't go off the pills: I stayed up late trying to work, and hadn't taken my night pills at my usual time. Lo and behold, the same unstoppable rivers of tears, the same despair and paranoia, washed over me.

That friggin Lamictal has a 24-hour life, period. You have to take that shit regularly. Dang.

Does this have to do with the fact that I'm planning a resume drop tomorrow and I can't get online? Sure. But we're talking about the same person who just yesterday faced Monday morning with cheer and good nature, smiles and laughter.

Or, apparently, I should say, faced Monday morning fortified with Abilify.

My moods are a cocktail of drugs. I guess that's ok. As long as I just keep taking the cocktail.

Right?

Is that how it should be? Am I doing something wrong?

Is my despair when I take my pills late - is that just because I'm used to/addicted to the pills, and if I went off them, I'd adjust?

Or is that how I'd feel all the time if I didn't take them? (Those of you who lived through February and March with me might answer that second question with a strong "yes!")

I know I'm sometimes in Seine and sometimes in de Nile. I just don't always know which river I'm in, or the difference between rivers and solid, dry, sensible land. It's irritating.