mourning & loneliness

One of the many gifts my outpatient group has given me is space to mourn.

The message I had from others and from myself was that I should be done with all that. But my outpatient group and the therapists there encouraged me to let those feelings out in that safe space, and I've done so...

Weeping at times... asking for the group's input and suggestions about how to move through the mourning and come out the other side.

Their input has been kind and wise.

Yet I'm still having trouble letting go of the last threads. I need to do that and to mourn more completely, instead of engaging in wishful thinking.

Bean also advised me... if there's any distant future, (which is unlikely), the only way to get there is to let go of the past.

I'm trying.

It's hard when I feel lonely in my daily life. I watch my Loopy engaged in daily, ongoing conversations with her online friends. Constantly (and I mean constantly) getting texts from them, texting back, bursting into joyful laughter in the grocery store over something they said.

She tries to tell me about it (after I asked her to talk to me more, involve me more in her life) but it's all inside jokes.

That's ok, really (though we've talked about setting some limits on the texting - not in restaurants, not when I ask her to stop and be with me) but I can't help missing that for myself. A lot. Especially when (it feels like) there's nothing to take its place.

I have tried to get closer to some friends from work, but they do have their own lives and it seems there's a limit to how much they want to integrate me in.

Have been IM'ing with Bean a lot more, and that does help.

As for my beloved wife... it seems our "cement," our "glue," I think is just enjoying each other - just enjoying doing things together makes us feel how much we love each other. Just being together gives us happiness. Enjoying each other's company. Never wanting to be separated.

We give each other joy and pleasure just by being next to each other in the grocery store, on the couch - we just feel the love in little things, a snuggle, a favor (taking the plate in, getting ice cream). Vacations are the best times because we are just so happy to be together. And, they give us things to talk about.

I'm finding that conversation, though cheerful and pleasant and connecting and thought-provoking, is not our glue, at least not right now. So when I get fidgety and miss that, I can't force Loopy to replace it. That's not how things work. Again, as far as Loopy and I are concerned, that's ok.

There's still a hole.

So... I tried getting a miksang shooting group together... that didn't work out. It seems people want to get together to look at their pix, but not to shoot. That's ok, I can do that too. So that's happening Wednesday.

I also started a meetup.com group for sketching and painting that I hope will introduce me to some cool people... at least it will also make space for creativity and art, which I need and miss.

One person has already joined... he sounds like he could be cool or he could be a little nuts. I'll wait and see. Our first meetup is in a few weeks.

Also, we're not allowed to be friends with other patients during the program (to avoid cliques and inside jokes etc.) but after the outpatient program is done, we can be friends. There are two people with whom I think I would really like to keep in touch after the program is done, and I think they'll feel the same.

So there are some possibilities.

Step by step by step.