i made a commitment to write every night to assess the care and kindness that i had given to myself that day, as a reminder of my goal of giving myself what i need. i set this goal so that i won't seek what i need in another, so i don't get those frushes and crushes, the idea that someone else can make me happy - so i don't get hooked on other kinds of things either, thinking any thing will make me happy either. so i can remember that i have what i need and i can give it to me.

i've been sick most of the week and lost my voice completely. it's frustrating and boring. i've lain around the house but not really taken care of myself. i don't feel coddled, i feel like i dumped me by the side of the road. i took two days off work but felt guilty about it, punished myself by not really making myself comfortable i guess.

this whole exercise - writing this putatively daily update - feels ridiculously self-indulgent. but i remember i read somewhere, when you are actually caring for yourself is when the voice in your head says you're self-indulgent... when you are harmfully self-indulgent, the voice is silent.

so when i feel guilty, it's a good sign? i guess. i've felt guilty for two days. back to work tomorrow, a half day then the weekend. hope i get my voice back soon...