home alone tonight... chance to reflect in more spaciousness... tired tho... ... ...
sometimes i miss people i haven't seen or spoken to in a long time, as though i just saw them days ago. i don't know why i still miss them so much. nadine would probably say because i am looking to them, still, somehow, as someone who would have made, or could make me, happy. she might say that that is imaginary - even if the friendship isn't - that no one can make me happy - that i have to find that inside myself.
that's the whole point of this daily (supposedly daily) check-in. to find that inside myself.
the steps to that seem simple. meditate. exercise. walk. write. do my work. take care of myself in my job.
simple isn't easy, of course. i don't do most of those things...
this week has been a bad one for job happiness. i started a new unit and wasn't sure what to do so i kind of panicked. now that i've chosen a direction and set my feet on a path i feel more confident. or at least, i feel like the array of options has narrowed enough that i am panicking less. but it will have to be next week that i put some better plans into action, because this week was kind of a cobbled-together, done-at-the-last-minute mess. i also stayed up late monday and tuesday and... i'm not so young anymore... it made a difference. i also stayed up late specifically NOT doing work - it reminded me of last year, all the failures, so that made me panic too.
this weekend/next week i'm getting back on track, though. the habits i had established at the beginning of the year that made me happy - grading every day after school, having my lessons ready the night before and/or getting in in the morning early enough to finish them - these habits are not so long gone that i couldn't pick them up.
some good news - they asked me to take on an additional position, with a stipend, to be some kind of curriculum specialist at school. i think i will be reviewing my colleagues' lesson plans and making suggestions about how to improve their curricula. i'm not sure. anyway i think it really plays to my strengths and i'm really happy they asked me to do it, and really excited about getting started with it.
there are so many things to say... but it's time for bed... as always thank you for reading... much love to each of you.
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*The quote in the top bar is from Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche, whom I tend to view with some suspcion as a person (great teacher or charismatic cult leader? I'm not sure!), but whose teachings I often find useful nonetheless... here is a further elaboration:
The sense of trust is that, when you apply your inquisitiveness, when you look into a situation, you know that you will get a definite response.
If you take steps to accomplish something, that action will have a result--either failure or success. When you shoot your arrow, either it will hit the target or it will miss. Trust is knowing that there will be a message.
When you trust in those messages, the reflections of the phenomenal world, the world begins to seem like a bank, or reservoir, of richness. You feel that you are living in a rich world, one that never runs out of messages....
You trust, not in success, but in reality.... [W]hatever the result that comes from your action, that result is not an end in itself. You can always go beyond the result; it is the seed for a further journey.
And,
Often, when someone tells us we should be fearless, we think they're saying not to worry, that everything is going to be all right. But unconditional fearlessness is simply based on being awake....
[F]earlessness is unconditional because you are neither on the side of success or failure. Success and failure are your journey.
3 comments:
Yay for the update. Congrats on being asked to be a curriculum specialist!
I do miss friends also. Its important to me to have friends I can trust embedded in my life and my routines. It actually helps me to stay grounded and productive.
Its all about balance. If all I do is pursue the interaction and ignore everything else, then I know things will shift and often its not a happy shift. Especially if you've focussed all of yourself and your routines no this one person - then there's nothing to go back to if something doesn't work out quite right. Everything else is bland and less.
Meditate, exercise, walk, write, do work, take care of self in job - all very important self care stuff yes - if you manage to really get this routine down I think it'll make a huge difference in your life.
But do they also help to make your own life feel ... not bland and not less? rich in its own simple way? I'm not conveying this well.. Maybe we can IM sometime and I can try to explain myself better.
You're conveying it just fine, especially since you provide a perfect example.
Well, that's my initial reaction. But if you were to be gone...
I guess there's a difference between valuing and loving my friends, and making so little of my own life that it is nothing without them... have to think about this some more!
perfect for you!
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