last stand, I wish

so it's coming down to the wire. I have to finish everything by August 7. I'm close enough that it could really happen, I'm almost there.... but.... I was doing so great for a while there but all my stuck-ness has returned with a vengeance.

I don't know if I ever mentioned this, but my therapist (OLIF)'s theory on all my troubles is pretty straightforward: my mother never grew up and took on adult responsibilities, and I don't want to either. I want to just lie around the house as an eternal teenager. (It doesn't help that interactions with reality make me so anxious) So I sabotage anything that would create adult responsibility in my life and require me to grow up. Makes sense.

So the last month or so since my trip I've been feeling much more grown-up, capable, responsible, etc. But now I feel so stuck and can't bring myself to want to snap out of it.

OLIF says it's the recalcitrant child's "last stand"; I said, "I wish!" -- if only I thought it were the last stand! He corrected himself and said it was one in a series. Anyway it's the last stand for stopping me from getting my certification. I just feel terrified. I said I thought that I manufacture these huge obstacles and stick myself behind them because stuck-ness somehow feels safe to me in some sick way.

Writing about it helps. There is nothing to fear in being a grown-up, having responsibility, maybe making some mistakes. I can handle it. It's not a near-death experience every day, even though in the past I lived as though it was. But I know how to do it differently now...

Most of all I owe it to myself to get out of this hole and get on with my life.

Any messages of encouragement from friends would really be useful at this exact point in time.... nothing major just let me know you're out there rooting for me.

Thanks for being there anyway, even those of you who don't read regularly and might not see this.

OK. back to work.