Emailed this to a friend then thought I'd paste it here... These are not new themes and it sounds a little whiny, but I just wanted to provide an update...
In other news, I have received a warning at my job ... I have 10 days to shape up... I initially thought that I would be fired if I did not reach the stated objectives, but after some suspense and confusion I was able to clarify that - it's just an initial warning, several steps below the type of write-up that would go in my file or result in termination. So I guess that's some comfort.
But I still feel quite a lot of despair... the job feels so hard and it seems to take all my energy just to get up in the morning and get through the day... my psychological "issues" seem to create enormous obstacles where none should exist, and everything seems impossibly difficult, and at the same time I can see that any normal person would just move through the same spaces without any trouble.
My colleagues and my one friend at work begin to look at me askance... I know they are starting to wonder, why doesn't she finish her work? Why can't she seem to get anything done? (Or maybe that's my imagination...)
Anyway I really begin to see that something is seriously wrong with me, psychologically... my last therapist happened to mention during our last session (in the context of a discussion of some problems with
insurance) that I could be diagosable as having a personality disorder, if not for the quality of my interpersonal relationships. At first this was slightly comforting (so there is actually a good reason why everything is so hard!) but it really doesn't help make anything easier. All I can see is that there is a lot more hard work to try to become a functional human being, and I just have to hope I can pull it off before i get fired.
Or maybe I should just give up and say that it's too much work to be a teacher, that maybe people like me don't make good teachers, and maybe I could be something else. It's like, I have a handicap, and I could try really hard to be the star of wheelchair basketball, or I could save myself the trouble and take up flower arranging. Or something.
Teaching is all I've really wanted to do, but it seems to trigger all my "issues," pretty much bring out the worst in me - paralysis, anxiety, confusion, immobility.... wellllll I guess it is also bringing out the best in some ways as I struggle to overcome these obstacles... but I'm so tired of struggling all the time.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
gone
I'll write more later... Dad died this morning... we are ok... sadness feels like tiredness... I couldn't bring myself to talk to him or say goodbye while he was gasping like a fish out of water for the last three days, but once he was still and silent and going cold, I talked to him and told him some things I wished he hadn't done, and some things I was glad he did, and that I understood, and the he was a good dad, and cried a lot.
More later.
More later.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Dad
Just an update for anyone who has this on bloglines... seems my Dad is dying... so we are going to Arizona. It's not unexpected, just sad. More another time.
Friday, October 19, 2007
CANELESS!!!
Yesterday Loopy suddenly announced, "I think I'll stop using my cane."
I had noticed that she doesn't use it at all anymore in the house, and also that her steps outside have gotten steadier. But somehow I hadn't allowed myself to think that she might be able to get rid of it altogether.
Of course I was ecstatic at this news and even more ecstatic when I went to meet her for dinner tonight, to see her walking down the sidewalk... slowly and carefully... but still, walking.
Couldn't wait to tell you. :-)
I had noticed that she doesn't use it at all anymore in the house, and also that her steps outside have gotten steadier. But somehow I hadn't allowed myself to think that she might be able to get rid of it altogether.
Of course I was ecstatic at this news and even more ecstatic when I went to meet her for dinner tonight, to see her walking down the sidewalk... slowly and carefully... but still, walking.
Couldn't wait to tell you. :-)
Saturday, October 06, 2007
not sure i can do this
i am so tired.
i can't stop crying.
i keep throwing up out of anxiety.
i know i CAN do this.
the question is where will i find the strength.
yesterday at around 2 i was finally seriously thinking, i can't keep going, i'm gonna quit. i didn't even try ot teach in the afternoon. just played the radio, played some games... yup... once again, i'm that teacher, the one i always hated. that's instructional time i was wasting there!!!
then after school i talked to some of the other teachers and got re-energized. i stayed awhile and got everything organized to FINALLY start teaching science next week. i keep thinking... i know how to teach these kids... i can't let them down. if i left, who would they have instead? god knows...
and if i left they'd have another lesson in how 'bad' they are. when i'm angry i want them to feel bad. when i'm not angry i know that they already do. and that i have keys in my hand to open up different paths for them... that don't involve feeling bad, stupid, inadequate like they do EVERY DAY.
when i wasn't exhausted and angry and miserable i knew, could see so clearly, that all children want to succeed. i still get glimpses of that. i just need to find a way to connect with it.
today when i got up, and all day, i have just felt traumatized, like i can't even think, am just in shock. i have done some productive things around the house but none of my work. it's like my work is on fire... touching it is so painful... brings up all my failures, and predicts more of them, more and more and more and more. i know i have to stop beating up on myself. but we are all so trained to think that if you are failing, you must be punished, and punished some more, until you 'get it together.'
this is how the administration treats us. it's how i treat my kids. it's how i treat myself. it feels like too much to somehow go against all of that.... it's like lifting up a heavy lid on a dark place... i know it would be better if i could let the light in but all i can do is lie here and stare at the walls and cry.
i can't stop crying.
i keep throwing up out of anxiety.
i know i CAN do this.
the question is where will i find the strength.
yesterday at around 2 i was finally seriously thinking, i can't keep going, i'm gonna quit. i didn't even try ot teach in the afternoon. just played the radio, played some games... yup... once again, i'm that teacher, the one i always hated. that's instructional time i was wasting there!!!
then after school i talked to some of the other teachers and got re-energized. i stayed awhile and got everything organized to FINALLY start teaching science next week. i keep thinking... i know how to teach these kids... i can't let them down. if i left, who would they have instead? god knows...
and if i left they'd have another lesson in how 'bad' they are. when i'm angry i want them to feel bad. when i'm not angry i know that they already do. and that i have keys in my hand to open up different paths for them... that don't involve feeling bad, stupid, inadequate like they do EVERY DAY.
when i wasn't exhausted and angry and miserable i knew, could see so clearly, that all children want to succeed. i still get glimpses of that. i just need to find a way to connect with it.
today when i got up, and all day, i have just felt traumatized, like i can't even think, am just in shock. i have done some productive things around the house but none of my work. it's like my work is on fire... touching it is so painful... brings up all my failures, and predicts more of them, more and more and more and more. i know i have to stop beating up on myself. but we are all so trained to think that if you are failing, you must be punished, and punished some more, until you 'get it together.'
this is how the administration treats us. it's how i treat my kids. it's how i treat myself. it feels like too much to somehow go against all of that.... it's like lifting up a heavy lid on a dark place... i know it would be better if i could let the light in but all i can do is lie here and stare at the walls and cry.
Friday, October 05, 2007
not just a job, an adventure.... aka my own personal circle of hell
supposed to be entering grades... grading is so fucking depressing.
'grades are structuralized violence' says stella mars. everything i've
ever heard anyone say about grading runs thru my head. "high
expectations, don't pull any punches." vs. "be gentle and supportive and
blah blah blah." i'm sure in some alternate universe where people can
think clearly, the two are not mutually exclusive. i just stare dully
at the forms and wonder how it feels to get a D, an F... wonder how to
motivate and inspire the students... kick their asses... not sure what
is needed... some far off voice from that alternate universe of clear
thinking or perhaps mush-headed sentimentality says that kids never
need their asses kicked (later on, Loopy - who lives in that universe of
clear thinking, lucky girl - confirmed that kids never need their asses
kicked). i get so angry at them though.
possibly because i know it's my fault. when they're all there together all
my defensiveness and anger comes out and i yell at them left and right. but when i'm talking to only one or two of them, i feel so much empathy and compassion. one little boy was there after school and i wanted to apologize to him for not making good lesson plans, for not making all of this do-able for him. they are so sweet and little. they don't deserve my anger. but i am full of it and it doesn't have another target.
welcome to the teaching profession, a voice in my head says sarcastically. and i also remember my buddhist teaching that falling flat on your face humbles you and makes you less arrogant, more kind.
just to be extra sadistic, the deadline for having our rooms
completely ready for inspection is tomorrow, same day grades are due.
there are all these things we are supposed to have ready........
student work posted in our rooms.... i have nothing like that to
post.... my students don't do their work and when they do it's
half-assed and not worth posting. aaaaarg.
i know how to do better. i know!!! that's what kills me.
'grades are structuralized violence' says stella mars. everything i've
ever heard anyone say about grading runs thru my head. "high
expectations, don't pull any punches." vs. "be gentle and supportive and
blah blah blah." i'm sure in some alternate universe where people can
think clearly, the two are not mutually exclusive. i just stare dully
at the forms and wonder how it feels to get a D, an F... wonder how to
motivate and inspire the students... kick their asses... not sure what
is needed... some far off voice from that alternate universe of clear
thinking or perhaps mush-headed sentimentality says that kids never
need their asses kicked (later on, Loopy - who lives in that universe of
clear thinking, lucky girl - confirmed that kids never need their asses
kicked). i get so angry at them though.
possibly because i know it's my fault. when they're all there together all
my defensiveness and anger comes out and i yell at them left and right. but when i'm talking to only one or two of them, i feel so much empathy and compassion. one little boy was there after school and i wanted to apologize to him for not making good lesson plans, for not making all of this do-able for him. they are so sweet and little. they don't deserve my anger. but i am full of it and it doesn't have another target.
welcome to the teaching profession, a voice in my head says sarcastically. and i also remember my buddhist teaching that falling flat on your face humbles you and makes you less arrogant, more kind.
just to be extra sadistic, the deadline for having our rooms
completely ready for inspection is tomorrow, same day grades are due.
there are all these things we are supposed to have ready........
student work posted in our rooms.... i have nothing like that to
post.... my students don't do their work and when they do it's
half-assed and not worth posting. aaaaarg.
i know how to do better. i know!!! that's what kills me.
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
just another day...
(from an email to a friend, hence all the abbrev's etc... just realized i wanted to share this with all my friends so... copy-paste is yr pal lol)
god such a ridiculous day today (w the students)... yest (at school)
was so great... the worst beh probs were absent and
the rest of the students actually did some work! it was awe-inspiring.
i felt like a teacher instead of a babysitter. just a little glimpse
of the promised land!
today i was really tired, and not well prepared.... the lack of
preparation steals all my energy and conviction and i just sort of go
through the motions - the students smell it and run all over me.
on top of that, today i had a meeting about a student, with his foster
mother and the social workers and special ed teachers. the Mom told
everyone that her son was acting up at school because i'm a bad
teacher and the students don't respect me. meanwhile the social worker
was defensive and cranky and wanted to be the expert and make everyone
else feel stupid (me, the parent....). it was kinda hellacious. i was
so mortified about what the parent said that i came back and yelled at
the students.... now i feel bad about it.
and of course the social worker looked in to see if the mom was right abt my room being in disarray... and because of the above-mentioned tiredness and under-preparedness... it was.... damn it all ...
god such a ridiculous day today (w the students)... yest (at school)
was so great... the worst beh probs were absent and
the rest of the students actually did some work! it was awe-inspiring.
i felt like a teacher instead of a babysitter. just a little glimpse
of the promised land!
today i was really tired, and not well prepared.... the lack of
preparation steals all my energy and conviction and i just sort of go
through the motions - the students smell it and run all over me.
on top of that, today i had a meeting about a student, with his foster
mother and the social workers and special ed teachers. the Mom told
everyone that her son was acting up at school because i'm a bad
teacher and the students don't respect me. meanwhile the social worker
was defensive and cranky and wanted to be the expert and make everyone
else feel stupid (me, the parent....). it was kinda hellacious. i was
so mortified about what the parent said that i came back and yelled at
the students.... now i feel bad about it.
and of course the social worker looked in to see if the mom was right abt my room being in disarray... and because of the above-mentioned tiredness and under-preparedness... it was.... damn it all ...
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