not just a job, an adventure.... aka my own personal circle of hell

supposed to be entering grades... grading is so fucking depressing.
'grades are structuralized violence' says stella mars. everything i've
ever heard anyone say about grading runs thru my head. "high
expectations, don't pull any punches." vs. "be gentle and supportive and
blah blah blah." i'm sure in some alternate universe where people can
think clearly, the two are not mutually exclusive. i just stare dully
at the forms and wonder how it feels to get a D, an F... wonder how to
motivate and inspire the students... kick their asses... not sure what
is needed... some far off voice from that alternate universe of clear
thinking or perhaps mush-headed sentimentality says that kids never
need their asses kicked (later on, Loopy - who lives in that universe of
clear thinking, lucky girl - confirmed that kids never need their asses
kicked). i get so angry at them though.

possibly because i know it's my fault. when they're all there together all
my defensiveness and anger comes out and i yell at them left and right. but when i'm talking to only one or two of them, i feel so much empathy and compassion. one little boy was there after school and i wanted to apologize to him for not making good lesson plans, for not making all of this do-able for him. they are so sweet and little. they don't deserve my anger. but i am full of it and it doesn't have another target.

welcome to the teaching profession, a voice in my head says sarcastically. and i also remember my buddhist teaching that falling flat on your face humbles you and makes you less arrogant, more kind.

just to be extra sadistic, the deadline for having our rooms
completely ready for inspection is tomorrow, same day grades are due.
there are all these things we are supposed to have ready........
student work posted in our rooms.... i have nothing like that to
post.... my students don't do their work and when they do it's
half-assed and not worth posting. aaaaarg.

i know how to do better. i know!!! that's what kills me.