i am so tired.
i can't stop crying.
i keep throwing up out of anxiety.
i know i CAN do this.
the question is where will i find the strength.
yesterday at around 2 i was finally seriously thinking, i can't keep going, i'm gonna quit. i didn't even try ot teach in the afternoon. just played the radio, played some games... yup... once again, i'm that teacher, the one i always hated. that's instructional time i was wasting there!!!
then after school i talked to some of the other teachers and got re-energized. i stayed awhile and got everything organized to FINALLY start teaching science next week. i keep thinking... i know how to teach these kids... i can't let them down. if i left, who would they have instead? god knows...
and if i left they'd have another lesson in how 'bad' they are. when i'm angry i want them to feel bad. when i'm not angry i know that they already do. and that i have keys in my hand to open up different paths for them... that don't involve feeling bad, stupid, inadequate like they do EVERY DAY.
when i wasn't exhausted and angry and miserable i knew, could see so clearly, that all children want to succeed. i still get glimpses of that. i just need to find a way to connect with it.
today when i got up, and all day, i have just felt traumatized, like i can't even think, am just in shock. i have done some productive things around the house but none of my work. it's like my work is on fire... touching it is so painful... brings up all my failures, and predicts more of them, more and more and more and more. i know i have to stop beating up on myself. but we are all so trained to think that if you are failing, you must be punished, and punished some more, until you 'get it together.'
this is how the administration treats us. it's how i treat my kids. it's how i treat myself. it feels like too much to somehow go against all of that.... it's like lifting up a heavy lid on a dark place... i know it would be better if i could let the light in but all i can do is lie here and stare at the walls and cry.
Saturday, October 06, 2007
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3 comments:
i love you.
it's not even failure, you know? it's pain and frustration and confusion -- but it is NOT failure. it is the raw and freaky place where real understanding and learning and love can grow.
you fail when you stop feeling this, because then you have become disengaged. no matter how good you get at connecting with these kids, you will always feel this, on some level, simply because you give a shit.
did i tell you that i love you?
you not only can do this, you ARE doing it. and you are fabulous.
virginia - you are brave, committed and intelligent, and you care about being a great teacher - i am sure you can do anything, if it is what you really want! be kind to yourself and i'll be thinking of you :) - heather
Fuck that shit, you know? Here's the deal: Where there is LOVE, there is no EFFORT.
The trickle-down effect is crap. Just do what has to be done. You've chosen it because you love it. So love it. Let your love for it suffuse you and there will be a kid or two who sees that love and responds.
You are so brave and fierce!
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