today i gave OLIF a lecture on listening to me—specifically, that he shouldn't.
he is the only therapist i ever had who can listen past my merry babblings to hear what is really going on. he did this more when he didn't know me. now he has started to be distracted by what i say.
a year ago he could listen to me babble on for twenty minutes about "I'm doing so much better" and at the end of it say, "You sound really depressed." he needs to go back to that.
when i switched gears from compulsively loafing and shirking my responsibilities, to compulsively over-performing on my responsibilities, he missed how that was not actually any better (although it makes Loopy's life easier).
he was so glad that i was cleaning the house, that he didn't notice how crazy it was when i stayed up until 3 a.m.—after feeling sick all day and finally puking my guts out—compulsively cleaning up and washing christmas dinner dishes by hand. i only managed to stop myself when the drivingly compulsive part of my brain said i should mop the floor.
he didn't really get when i talked about the massive anxiety attack i had christmas eve because i had actually been responsible and finished all the preparations for christmas, and for the whole day of the 24th i really didn't have that much to do. i completely panicked because i felt that i had to have chores and responsibilities in order to feel okay. without them i was lost. this is crazy, boys and girls.
buddhism talks about ignoring the specific actions and looking at the process. the actions, for me, can be compulsive work or compulsive avoidance, but the process is one of aggression toward myself, and avoiding being settled with my true feelings, making decisions in response to circumstances, etc.
he knows i always think in images. he asked today what my image is for feeling grounded, connected to myself. i don't have one. my instinct was that i couldn't make such an image because it was such a dangerous, vulnerable place to be--in me--it's much safer to float away. that's the next place to start.
i don't know if any of htat made any sense. i'm just kind of writing it down. i bought a journal but have felt too disconnected from self to use it.
gotta go pack... finally going home.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
our little italian stranger
OLIF was supposed to call me tonight and he seems to have forgotten. he forgot the last time he was supposed to call, too. annoying.
i am so sick of therapy and trying so hard all the time. maybe i could take some time off from therapy... some of the buddhist stuff i've read teaches that self-improvement is a form of aggression towards oneself, and that we can only become more gentle, loving, compassionate etc by relaxing the urge to "improve" and, just generally opening and relaxing.
but it takes a lot of effort, it seems, to pry my hands off the stick i beat myself with. it takes a lot of effort to choose to open and relax instead of clenching up.
so i've managed to put my back out (not severely, but enough to be quite painful) by not taking care of it. this gives me permission to take a break from being helpful and useful all the time.
of course, if i had given myself permission to take a break on purpose, if i had defended myself from myself, if i had stuck up for myself, i could have chosen when and how to take a break, instead of being forced into it. i could have been useless for 2 hours a day while i go to the gym, instead of being totally useless all day.
making yourself sick so you can take a break--that's such a classic tactic of my mother's that i'm thoroughly disgusted.
this is a fucked-up post, start to finish. i guess i am not ready to take time off from therapy. rather, i feel like i'm back at square one. argh.
He was deeper asleep this morning, shallow-asleep this evening again. At one point he opened his eyes all the way and made a pretty normal facial expression...It was cool, just to see his regular face looking out from under all the tubes and tape. Not sure if it was a reflex or genuine response. But then he went to sleep again.
Everyone keeps telling us, he's "not out of the woods," "not over the hump," etc. And most directly, "It could still go either way." *sigh*
i am so sick of therapy and trying so hard all the time. maybe i could take some time off from therapy... some of the buddhist stuff i've read teaches that self-improvement is a form of aggression towards oneself, and that we can only become more gentle, loving, compassionate etc by relaxing the urge to "improve" and, just generally opening and relaxing.
but it takes a lot of effort, it seems, to pry my hands off the stick i beat myself with. it takes a lot of effort to choose to open and relax instead of clenching up.
so i've managed to put my back out (not severely, but enough to be quite painful) by not taking care of it. this gives me permission to take a break from being helpful and useful all the time.
of course, if i had given myself permission to take a break on purpose, if i had defended myself from myself, if i had stuck up for myself, i could have chosen when and how to take a break, instead of being forced into it. i could have been useless for 2 hours a day while i go to the gym, instead of being totally useless all day.
making yourself sick so you can take a break--that's such a classic tactic of my mother's that i'm thoroughly disgusted.
this is a fucked-up post, start to finish. i guess i am not ready to take time off from therapy. rather, i feel like i'm back at square one. argh.
update on Loopy's nephew
He was deeper asleep this morning, shallow-asleep this evening again. At one point he opened his eyes all the way and made a pretty normal facial expression...It was cool, just to see his regular face looking out from under all the tubes and tape. Not sure if it was a reflex or genuine response. But then he went to sleep again.
Everyone keeps telling us, he's "not out of the woods," "not over the hump," etc. And most directly, "It could still go either way." *sigh*
new template
whaddya think?
i know the horizontal photos at the top right go off the page (if you've got a vertical one, reload or just trust me on this); I tried to fix this, but the stupid $#$%@* Blogger templates all have page-defining graphics with set widths so it's hard to make the &#$%@ page wider. I could still fix it but it's annoying.
i know the horizontal photos at the top right go off the page (if you've got a vertical one, reload or just trust me on this); I tried to fix this, but the stupid $#$%@* Blogger templates all have page-defining graphics with set widths so it's hard to make the &#$%@ page wider. I could still fix it but it's annoying.
signs of spring
Today he's like, half-awake. He sometimes pats my hand or reaches to hold it. It's very endearing. "He always was very cuddly," muses Loopy, who no longer cries whenever I tell her about her nephew's status.
The nephew & I always got along fine, but we were never cuddly. This evidence suggests that we feel most affectionate when at least one of us is mostly asleep. But then, that's true of so many relationships, isn't it?
He also has been moving his leg around, and sometimes even answering yes/no questions by nodding or shaking his head ("Can you hear me?" (nods 'yes') "Are you awake?" (shakes head 'no').) It's really quite exciting. As are the moments when he sleepily tries to pull out the respirator or dialysis tubes.
So, another day past and he's still with us, and I'm almost giddy as I start to believe that he may really survive this. Knock wood, a lot.
We'll see.
The nephew & I always got along fine, but we were never cuddly. This evidence suggests that we feel most affectionate when at least one of us is mostly asleep. But then, that's true of so many relationships, isn't it?
He also has been moving his leg around, and sometimes even answering yes/no questions by nodding or shaking his head ("Can you hear me?" (nods 'yes') "Are you awake?" (shakes head 'no').) It's really quite exciting. As are the moments when he sleepily tries to pull out the respirator or dialysis tubes.
So, another day past and he's still with us, and I'm almost giddy as I start to believe that he may really survive this. Knock wood, a lot.
We'll see.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
rakin' in the big bucks now
Last year I made $436.93 in earned income. That's a $436.93 increase over the previous year. Pretty exciting.
'Course, it took me six weeks to make that, and I used to make that every 2.2 days. But a decimation of income (not to mention respect) are things you expect when you enter the teaching field.
So, here's to moving back into the ranks of breadwinners! Cheers!
Nothing much to say. Some things seem better, some things seem worse, some things seem the same. He's still asleep.
We hold his hand, we do jigsaw puzzles, we hold his hand, we read, we hold his hand, we go home to sleep and get up and do it again. And every morning when it's the alarm clock and not the phone that wakes us up, we are grateful.
I call Loopy with updates and she cries bitterly because she wants to be here with us. I wish she were.
If we haven't used up more than our share of your goodwill, prayers, support and encouragement, we could sure use some more...
At left, Ricky as a kid; apparently he was as sweet and sunny as he looks. His mom says, "he was my sunshine baby."
'Course, it took me six weeks to make that, and I used to make that every 2.2 days. But a decimation of income (not to mention respect) are things you expect when you enter the teaching field.
So, here's to moving back into the ranks of breadwinners! Cheers!
Update on Loopy's nephew
Nothing much to say. Some things seem better, some things seem worse, some things seem the same. He's still asleep.
We hold his hand, we do jigsaw puzzles, we hold his hand, we read, we hold his hand, we go home to sleep and get up and do it again. And every morning when it's the alarm clock and not the phone that wakes us up, we are grateful.
I call Loopy with updates and she cries bitterly because she wants to be here with us. I wish she were.
If we haven't used up more than our share of your goodwill, prayers, support and encouragement, we could sure use some more...
At left, Ricky as a kid; apparently he was as sweet and sunny as he looks. His mom says, "he was my sunshine baby."
Monday, January 01, 2007
and may 2007 suck less than 2006
breaking news
on a random newswire that came up in a random search:
- 9:05 p.m.: Millions make New Year's resolutions
- 10:16 p.m.: Revelers ring in new year
- 10:29 p.m.: U.S. deaths in Iraq hit 3,000
and in other news...
here i am in hershey, pennsylvania (at least I am eating chocolate, my only nod to a new year's celebration), in a hotel across from the hospital, keeping daily vigil at the bedside of Loopy's nephew, who had a stroke just before Christmas and then, just as it seemed he was recovering from the stroke, came down with necrotizing fasciitis (also known as flesh-eating disease), a fast-spreading infection that can devour the whole body in a matter of hours.
fortunately they caught it quickly and he is young and mostly healthy, so the odds are somewhat in his favor, and, with the aid of massive antibiotics, he seems to be holding his own; yesterday we were feeling optimistic, but today there was a setback and a nurse explained to us that our optimism was premature; it could still go either way. this was all the more crushing because we were feeling hopeful yesterday. i don't know if it's better to know the truth or not.
i haven't blogged about it because i can't think of a way to talk about it that doesn't seem to sensationalize what has been happening, just because what's happening is so grotesque.
he used to read our blogs...he told Loopy how to reboot someone else's router when stealing wireless internet service.....o Ricky, I hope that sometime in 2007 you will be reading this and laughing at the scare you gave us.
gentle readers, i hope you have celebrated the new year in a happier way.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
christmas comments
1. The following lyric/tune from "Sleigh Ride" (you know—"Just hear those sleigh bells jingling,
ring ting tingling too...") is stuck in my head, even though it's patently wrong:
Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, it's grand
just holding your hand
we're walking in a wonderworld of sand
It happens every year. It used to annoy me, but now it amuses me.
2. Loopy and I have agreed that pies are dangerous. Dangerous and sneaky. You can just be minding your own business and suddenly pie gets in your mouth. We've lost half a pecan pie and two-thirds of a pumpkin pie that way. It's downright scary really.
3. Joel is coming to visit! Tomorrow! Yay!!!! (well actually today). It's now 2:28 a.m.; do we think he's already awake and packing? (how do I know he decided not to pack until this morning early? i just know, okay??)
ring ting tingling too...") is stuck in my head, even though it's patently wrong:
Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, it's grand
just holding your hand
we're walking in a wonderworld of sand
It happens every year. It used to annoy me, but now it amuses me.
2. Loopy and I have agreed that pies are dangerous. Dangerous and sneaky. You can just be minding your own business and suddenly pie gets in your mouth. We've lost half a pecan pie and two-thirds of a pumpkin pie that way. It's downright scary really.
3. Joel is coming to visit! Tomorrow! Yay!!!! (well actually today). It's now 2:28 a.m.; do we think he's already awake and packing? (how do I know he decided not to pack until this morning early? i just know, okay??)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
