i am so sick of therapy and trying so hard all the time. maybe i could take some time off from therapy... some of the buddhist stuff i've read teaches that self-improvement is a form of aggression towards oneself, and that we can only become more gentle, loving, compassionate etc by relaxing the urge to "improve" and, just generally opening and relaxing.
but it takes a lot of effort, it seems, to pry my hands off the stick i beat myself with. it takes a lot of effort to choose to open and relax instead of clenching up.
so i've managed to put my back out (not severely, but enough to be quite painful) by not taking care of it. this gives me permission to take a break from being helpful and useful all the time.
of course, if i had given myself permission to take a break on purpose, if i had defended myself from myself, if i had stuck up for myself, i could have chosen when and how to take a break, instead of being forced into it. i could have been useless for 2 hours a day while i go to the gym, instead of being totally useless all day.
making yourself sick so you can take a break--that's such a classic tactic of my mother's that i'm thoroughly disgusted.
this is a fucked-up post, start to finish. i guess i am not ready to take time off from therapy. rather, i feel like i'm back at square one. argh.
update on Loopy's nephew
He was deeper asleep this morning, shallow-asleep this evening again. At one point he opened his eyes all the way and made a pretty normal facial expression...It was cool, just to see his regular face looking out from under all the tubes and tape. Not sure if it was a reflex or genuine response. But then he went to sleep again.
Everyone keeps telling us, he's "not out of the woods," "not over the hump," etc. And most directly, "It could still go either way." *sigh*
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